And there it is, the dark path of my thoughts. I was wondering when I would get here. It took a little longer than I had expected, but I guess the length of the journey doesn’t really matter now that I’ve arrived.
The problems with the truth, and me, is I want endless amounts of it. No holds barred. Because once I have it in my possession I begin to pick it apart and analyze every detail to see how it makes me a piece of garbage. Beneath the false bravado and arrogance I, at my core, feel worthless. I don’t know where it comes from. I’ve even tried to look at that beneath the microscope and have found nothing.
Charlie has told me things that make me question if I’m even what he wants. I begin to think I’m some kind of age appropriate beard for him. In the darkest parts of this mental path, I think he’s just trying to exact his revenge for the hurt I caused him in the past. Maybe that’s me just wanting to be a victim.
I’ve compiled a list of questions I want to ask him. I can’t do it now because it is the middle of the night and he’s asleep. They’re all ridiculous notions brought about by the fears and obsessions of a mad man. None of them are logical but knowing that and understanding are two different things. He’ll respond the same way he does every time I ask these questions, groan and begrudgingly answer them to shut me up. And I continue to ask myself if he had really thought about the answers and if what he said was even the truth.
Anyway. This post is entirely too vague. I wish I could divulge more but half of what I want to share isn’t mine to disclose. And I want to respect that. I’m merely venting this evening to get some of this shit out of my mind and into the void.