I started taking some new meds to help combat my ADHD. This is a first for me. I have never been medicated for it before, but that is because I refused to believe/accept my diagnosis. (I was diagnosed in my early 20’s.) However, it is has reached a point that it is impossible to deny that it is a problem. Especially these past few weeks.

My doctor prescribed me the anti-depressant Bupropion. Supposedly it is meant to be a mild form of ADHD medication in addition to stop me from the “sads.” What I am bothered by is that these were given in addition to the Lexapro I am currently taking. I feel as though this is overkill, however I am dealing with a lot, so maybe that’s the logic in it’s prescription? Or maybe it’s easier to get than a controlled substance.

My lone complaint thus far is the sense of “apathy” I feel. Which is a familiar sensation with these medications.

I have run through the gamut when it comes to anti-depressants. I have done all of them and the only one that seems to work for me is Lexapro. It stabilizes my moods without sacrificing my personality, or make me feel like I’m not “me.” Others tend to make me “not care.” Specifically when it comes to my writing. I worry that this will be much like the others that have come before it. (With the exception of Prozac which made me crazy-er.)

I love to write. I really do. It’s the one way I can put my thoughts into literal black and white. And while they’re in front of me I can figure them out or form them into a more cohesive message. The problem I face when I start anti-depressants is I stop doing this. It’s almost as if in the lack of these feelings I lose all purpose for doing the thing that I love. This post in particular… This is actually my second attempt. I started to write another blog about “finding the new normal” in my life and I got two paragraphs in before I thought… “Who cares?”

I want to give the Bupropion a chance before I decide to give up all together. My ADHD had gotten so bad I felt like a car stereo trying to play a song from a scratched CD over a bumpy road. (That metaphor only works for gen x and millennials.) I could/can not focus. My work life had gotten so chaotic in this that I found myself doing EVERYTHING ELSE but the task I was given to do. The fact that none of this had an immediate due date also did not help.

I’m worried this will turn out much like it has before. Yet I am trying my hardest to keep an open mind and not fall into old habits. I need to do something because I am suffering… and just trying to make it through isn’t going to cut it this time around. Because as it is, my life is in the aftermath of having been in utter chaos. I’m left to rebuild after a category 6 hurricane. I’m going to need all the help I can get.