This morning we began the search for an assisted living home for my mother. It started off with a super pricey place. For a non-shared room in memory care it’s $6k a month. That includes around the clock care, meals, and utilities. So that’s nice. We can swing it but any money she wanted to leave to me won’t exist. And I personally do not care.

While it’s super pricey I think I may end up going with this place because it’s close to where I live and that price is locked in permanently. Even if her level of care changes the monthly cost won’t change.

Our next stop will be at a group home on the other side of town. Care starts at around $3,200 but can go up depending on her level of attention. More than likely it’s going to be more than that because this woman will not stop pissing herself. It is constant and non-stop. Yesterday alone we blew through four adult diapers.

I have been blissfully unaware of her level of need up until recently. My mother’s prior “caretaker” would only tell me “gently” instead of coming right out saying, “hey, dude, she’s bad.” Then again, maybe she did and I just refused to see. It sucks how I will ignore obvious signs because I don’t want to see how much she has and is failing.

Body wise, my mother is a champ. The whole reason she even came to stay with us, while we look for a more permanent spot, is that she keeps falling. But goddamn if that bitch isn’t built like a linebacker. She had three falls and no damage. I walk by something, brush it too hard, and I bruise like a banana. Evidently I got more of my fathers genes. Maybe that means I won’t be at risk for dementia. Doubt it though.

I still think I should see other facilities to get a good idea of what’s best for her, but in the end I think I’ll choose the first one. Just cause I liked it and it’s available. I need to get her settled immediately. She refuses to live with me and I refuse to live with her. And my anger at seeing her decline is very real and uncontrollable. The moment she starts putting on the water works in her attempt to return to her house I lose it. Rationally I know it’s because I’m at odds with giving her want she wants, versus what she NEEDS. What she needs is not fun or easy to accomplish. And in the end, she’s miserable either way.