Tonight, like I do most days, I started to wonder what my life will look like without personal chaos. Since July 2019 it has been spinning out of control. My dad died the same week my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which was only three months prior to my husband going on medical leave before ultimately diagnosed with a terminal illness a year later.

This entire time I have just been pushing through, focusing ahead, prepared to meet the next hurdle. And when this race is all over… what then? What will I be like? What will I do?

Already, I am not the man who started. I have been shaped and molded by this grief. It has destroyed my mind. My memory is shit. My problem solving skills are very rough. I don’t want to go back to that person, because I do believe there has been growth and development. I just want to stop losing aspects I once treasured.

My life has narrowed down to a near distinct point. I just exist for another person. To keep him going. Keep him comfortable; happy. To carry him toward the end.

There is a world outside of the home that I now spend 90% inside of, but I seem to care less and less about it. Or anything else really. Social media has become a side note to everything.

And then as I start to look up, past the mess, and toward the distant horizon I am overwhelmed with guilt. How could/can I think of a life without someone in it. How could/can I be so selfish? I know life does/will go on… but do I have to think of that now? As the guilt sinks deeper into my body I move to other thoughts and vices.