Aspiring Novelist

September 15, 2026

Disney Lorcana Mistakes

For the last few years, the thing that has drawn most, if not all of my waking thoughts, has been the trading card game Disney Lorcana. As a former Magic the Gathering (MTG) player, when I heard that Disney was going to be putting out their own TCG I immediately jumped ship, swam across the bay to the new one. I was exhausted by the constant set releases and the toxicity (literally and metaphorically) from the players of MTG. Plus, the fact that I am the quintessential cringe “Disney adult” made the most sense for the change. It had everything I wanted, strategy gameplay and Disney characters.

The goal of the game is to use resources to pay for cards that help you gain “lore.” The first person to get to 20 wins the game. Its very similar to magic but in the opposite direction.

The community surrounding this game have become some very good friends. Even me and my husband have hosted our own events with a select few players at our house.

In addition to hosting our own, we have traveled out of state to compete in organized tournaments. This is where I learned that I may be a “good player” at home but when it comes to the big leagues I was severely lacking. Even in our local set champs I was getting annihilated by former “professional” MTG players turned Lorcana questers. They were so good and knew the gameplay inside and out that I simultaneously hated and looked up to them. At first I was very frustrated. Being used as a mop in a “kids” card game is quite humbling. I even contemplated quitting because the fun had kind of left the game for me. Instead, I chose to get better.

I started researching “meta” decks (a word by the way that I would roll my eyes so hard at that that they nearly fell out of my head) and playing them at weekly league play. I saw a drastic improvement and started finding myself in top 8 in set champs, something I never even came close to getting when I was running my own “home-brewed” deck. Even my husband, who was even more resistant to turn to the “dark side,” found himself hitting second place in set champs once he chose the more competitive path.

Competing in set champs around my area, I have come to know a handful of really good players. One of them I even started to look up to and model my own gameplay after him. Even going so far as stealing one of the decks he had played against me in a prior tournament. Which is unfortunate that this past weekend he cheated in a game he played against me in the top 4.

I had gone up against this dude twice in a row. I was exhausted. He is a fierce competitor and in the final games of our back-to-back rounds I was mentally drained. In the last turn of the final game, I pulled a card that could have possibly won me the round, but because it wasn’t THE CARD that I needed in that moment I mentally checked out. It was weird. My subconscious saw the card I pulled and was excited but my active thought was bummed and I threw in the towel, majorly misplaying what could have easily have been a win for me.

I kept beating myself up after, realizing how much I really did screw my chances. It just didn’t make sense. So all night I kept running through our games trying to see where I went wrong and what I could have done and do better in the future.

While playing back one of the rounds my thoughts recalled a move where he played this “John Silver” card. The card gave one of my characters a status called “reckless” where they can’t quest, the whole point of winning the game. I remember thinking “damn this deck runs John Silver too?!” I looked at my hand and tried to come up with an answer to this play. I had two cards that could have worked to remove him. But I also had to worry about another card called “Demona” that was also on board. At the start of my next turn I pulled THE CARD I needed in the moment and wiped the board of all of his cards resetting everything. I thought nothing else of that John Silver.

What was wrong with this play is that he should not have had that card anywhere near him, let alone in his deck and playing it.

In Lorcana each deck is made up of two colors. He was running Amber/Amethyst (aka yellow and purple or colloquially “Yurple.”) John Silver is “Emerald” or green card.

This move is super bold in many ways, let alone for playing it against someone in the top 4. But no one was watching, and I was so mentally exhausted that I didn’t even catch that the play was 100% illegal and should have gotten him disqualified the moment he pulled it. Had there been other people overseeing the game he would have.

I’m genuinely more annoyed that he played it because it just shows how little he thought of me, but in his defense, he was right. It was a huge gamble and it paid off. I didn’t catch it at all. Only did I realize how illegal it was until it was 1 in the morning, hours after he took first place.

This wasn’t the only misplay he made. There were two others in my and my buddy’s games that he should have known for being the level of “competitive” he currently sits.

I posted this story on both reddit and our local discord server. My buddies at home didn’t doubt me for a split second. Even the leader of the team, THIS DUDE is on, reached out to ask me about it. (My post on discord had deliberately been vague on who had made this play. I’m not about to make enemies in this community I genuinely treasure.)

Reddit though was an entirely different beast. Every comment on my post called me an out-right liar. Every single response, with the exception of one. Someone accused me of “being manic” and suggested I “go watch some tv” which was super insulting. What would I have had to gain by posting a “lie” on reddit? It’s not like it would make the outcome any different. I couldn’t ask for a rematch. There is absolutely no point for me to post such a brazen lie. I didn’t realize how vile reddit threads can get until I got to see it in all of this vicious glory.

In the end I deleted the post because fuck those douche bags. It genuinely made me realize why most people never speak up about something so outlandish. Most don’t believe you and some will work to completely discredit you when they, personally, have no skin in the fight.

Even if the dude ends up lying to the guys on his team, I know what I know and I have decided that should we compete in the future I will immediately have a judge do a deck check, before we even play. I came to this conslusion not only because of this, but because of a prior tournament he and I had gone up against each other and he had been in the bathroom for nearly half the round. As he was someone I had looked up to, I didn’t think anything of it other than it being really weird.

Instead of being mad at the whole thing I am using it as a learning tool to make myself more competitive.

In addition to it changing how I play, it made me realize how unaware I am. I move through my life on “autopilot” not being present on what’s happening right now, in front of me. It’s funny because as I go over it, my subconscious saw that John Silver (iun the moment) and tried to tell me “hey, fucker, wake up he shouldn’t be playing that.”

I was talking it out with my husband and I realized that this must be a learned coping mechanism after having gone through the loss of my dad, my mother’s Alzheimer’s and ultimate demise, and then caring for my dying husband and processing his death. Things have been really shitty, personally and globally, since 2019 and I think I just mentally checked out. Now I have to relearn how to be in the here and now so I don’t have someone else take advantage of my lack of awareness.

May 5, 2026

A Plan and a Promise

It is genuinely concerning how I let no-named “influencers” influence the choices in my life. The other day I saw a prominent TikToker called “knitting cult lady” (who herself has escaped a cult and written a book about it) talk about how someone can process trauma by writing it out. She expanded by quoting scientific studies, of which she doesn’t give proof of, to back up a claim that if one were to just put their trauma in a matter-of-fact manner, with no emphasis on processing the emotions, that our brains will do it for us without investing the work. Of course I took her words as gold and scientifically sound, even though she could just be talking out of her ass.

Regardless of the truth, it did feed my own desire to write again. It occurred to me a few days ago that I have had zero interest or want to put my thoughts into words. I pondered for a moment wondering if it was just me “moving on” of that want or desire, or if it was due to the fact that my anti-depressants aren’t working. Part of me is leaning into the second theory (I cannot stop consuming sugary food, which is a big tell).

I know that I have not processed my family’s passings. I like to pretend that I have, but whenever I think I’m doing well it gets turned on it’s head. The tears come and I seek out some “substance” to dull the unspoken/unrecognized agony.

With that, I have decided to embark on a year long journey, similar to the one I did with “The Soundtrack of My Life.” Except this time, there will be no music and it will all be documenting my life with my late husband. (God it feels weird saying that.) Each week I will type out a new entry in our story. With the point to keep it brief. There is no sense getting caught up in the prose or narrative thread.

That is what happened the last time I tried to do something similar.

I previously tried writing last November, but I got so caught up in details and got bored of my own voice that I stopped the effort. Maybe I just wasn’t ready.

Since the second year anniversary has come and gone, it should be enough time for me to write it all out, keep it strictly to the details and not wax poetic.

The “Soundtrack” project actually helped me process some lingering trauma I never even realized was there, until I wrote it out. Which is why when this woman came across my video feed it was like I was talking to myself through a separate entity. It brought the focus back to the project and what it would mean. And after all of that nonsense, I just enjoy writing. It is clear to me that I have gotten rusty, because even now I am struggling to get that motor running. I need to get it going again. With it I can use it as an escape from this hellscape, however momentary it might be.

March 16, 2026

Always in Motion the Future Is

This is the first time I’ve ever put a title at the very start. Usually I will write out whatever it is that sits at the back of my mind and go from there. However this is a quote that is, one, very nerdy; but two, very true.

Before Charlie passed away he asked me if I was going to marry Josh when he was gone. At the time I was so hesitant to tell him yes. Instead I opted for some vague and uncertain, but always pointing to yes. I didn’t want him to think that our marriage wasn’t the one that meant everything to me or that he was replaceable. “Well, this husband is gone. Time to plug in a new one.”

My response was, Probably, why do you ask?

He responded first with that the cat was curled up next to him, which he loved. And genuine proof of his ADHD.

Then he said, just curious. I want you to be happy. If he can do that, I support it.

I should have responded with, “he does.” but instead we went off on a tangent about the cat. He made a comment about taking her with him. Which he didn’t do, but he did take both of the pups with him, shortly after his passing. They couldn’t live without him either, I guess.

In 10 days we are going to get married. We already bought our rings, which we couldn’t afford, but you want them to be monumental. I bought a ring that will sit on top of Charlie’s. Josh is always supportive of my love/life with him and what we had… I don’t know how I got so lucky twice. Genuinely.

At times I feel so utterly, unbelievably lucky, and others I feel so cursed. It’s the nature of life I suppose and what you choose to focus on. I’d rather look at how the horrible things in my life have literally led to the best parts.

My plan for our eventual nuptials was to have a proposal on his half birthday, May 2, and then get married some time in the fall or whenever after. I joked and thought that getting married on November 3rd, between our two birthdays, would have been kind of fun. But that also would have been entirely too close to Charlie’s and my anniversary, November 1st. (He wanted to get married on a day he would be able to remember.)

However, even with the plan, life has a different way of working out as the last five years would absolutely attest. So we are pushing it up.

On March 26th there will officially be two Joshua Hensleys in the world.

February 27, 2026

Listen and Read Along

I’m in one of those moods where I want to write something sweeping and profound. Yet I lack even the simplest of ideas. If I could muster one up I’m sure it wouldn’t be what I want it to be. What I know it could be. Instead I lay here in bed listening to my “mellow out” playlist (posted above) replaying old memories in my head, hoping a spark ignites.

Instead all I’ve done is dwell on what was. What could have been.

It’s funny how we lose ourselves as we get older. We let outside forces mold and shape us into some mutated version we could never have imagined in our wildest fantasies. It’s never obvious of course. We don’t see it happening. On the outside we appear somewhat the same, but deep in our hearts and minds is the weak, near death version that once had so many hopes for the future.

At one time I wanted to a be a writer. I wanted it to be my everyday; the thing that would put my name on the lips and in the thoughts of strangers. Why I thought that any of that mattered at the time has since been lost to the years. So what if Jill from Ohio knows my name? It would mean nothing. I’d still be here laying in bed thinking of the past and regretting all I did or didn’t do.

Maybe I should lower my standards? Sometimes it’s the smallest things that bring about bigger things because it was part of a chorus of other tiny events. Together it makes something beautiful.

Instead of my singular fame and notoriety, I’d much prefer to inspire those around me. Something that they too could add to the collective.

Whether they know me or not. I think I have succeeded if I evoke something from someone that they can look at, or ponder over, that gives them purpose. That gives them pride.

But I’ll never achieve that. I’m just a tiny pixel on a giant screen.

It makes me think how my husband was so content in the end. The impression I got was that he was not bothered with the fact that he never made any huge impact in the world at large. In my own life he did. He brought out the best parts of me.

The other day I went off on an ADHD tangent regarding the Chinese zodiac. This is the first year I have ever heard of an element tied to the sign. With that it inspired to know my own element. After a quick search I discovered that I am a wood ox. The least stubborn of the 5 elemental oxen. Mine is all about growth and rebirth.

I also learned that my husband was a fire snake and my bf is an earth snake.

It’s funny. My husband burned me down to let myself regrow with Josh. Weird. Also bizarre that I just so happened to partner with my perfect match. A snake. Both times.