Today is my husband’s and my 20th anniversary of being together and 10 year wedding anniversary. It’s strange to think of that length time, because it does feel like it but also like no time at all. Almost like I blinked and it was gone. You know, all that cliche bullshit. Unfortunately it’s true.

I can still remember every detail of the day we met. It started out as a failed hook-up (I say that because we didn’t have sex, we talked) and turned into what it is today. Our wedding day is equally, if not more pristine as the first memory.

I just want to cry… usually for something momentous you have a big party, go out to dinner or buy lavish gifts but I have done none of that. I will do none of that. My husband would hate every second of it. He’s gotten to a point with his disease that he’s embarrassed by his appearance. On top of that he doesn’t even eat anymore, but instead gets nourishment through “vanilla flavored” shakes that we pour into a tube. In regards to a gift… I know that even he would say “why would you get me one?”

I hate this. I hate all of it.

With ALS, no one knows the time-frame. For some it’s 3 years and for others it could be years. Stephen Hawking lived for 55 years with the disease. Before I witnessed the rapid speed at which his disease progressed I knew, without a doubt, he would make it here. To this very day.

That was 3 years ago.

This could very well be the last anniversary we spend together and… it’s going to be nothing. I’m such a fucking failure.