The glasses of grief truly distort one’s perception of reality. At least it has for me. Suddenly all I see around me exists in this moment only, and we must be grateful for it because it could be gone in an instant. I dare say that this is how we should view the world always. Only then can we appreciate what it is we have.

Today is my husband’s birthday. In all likelihood this is his last. What am I doing to commemorate his 46th year on this planet? Nothing. Much like our anniversary it will pass by without any significance. We will sit at home and just exist.

I hate that I have planned nothing. I just feel guilt like I’m letting him down. But when I try to think of a plan I am met with all the limitations to what he is physically able to do, regardless of his wants (which are none) that I become overwhelmed and stop.

I wish I could say that this is a new character flaw but it is in fact packaged with this model. It’s why I procrastinate.

I wish I could remember the first birthday I spent with him but for the life of me I have no memory of it. The most likely scenario was that he worked and then we went out to dinner where he would have paid. At the time I was a selfish 18 year old boy with no job. I probably ended up giving him a sexual gift in lieu of anything meaningful.

Ugh… I have turned this into a “poor me” post. I need a new perspective. I’m not the one dying here. Therefore I shouldn’t be so miserable.