I have always felt like two people. Two very different forces, two ways of thought, two opposing personalities… it’s truly bizarre. I don’t know if others feel or think this way, and it never occurred to me to ask, but it is the real “me.” As I grow older, I become concerned that this might be a sign of schizophrenia because that runs deep in my family. My father had it. How I justify that it’s “okay” is that this other voice, the passive me, is still “Josh.” Just, not me.

Passive me is this empathetic white knight. The one who wants to defend and protect all of those around me. He is honorable. It’s just that he’s really fucking lazy. I say that because he only lives in thought, he never actually does anything. At times he will take over and move to the forefront and become me, however it is only when it’s absolutely necessary for our success. As if he thinks “oh, Josh is gonna fuck this up… better step in.”

The active me is selfish and petulant. He is angry at life and wants to be free of everything. I’d rather do what I want to do, when I want with no consequences. The primary josh is also the one with the short fuse and hot temper.

It is these two forces that fight inside of me at all times. Yet the thing I find odd is that “passive me” is the one with the firmer voice. Usually he is the one that talks some sense into the belligerent one. Lately though… that isn’t the case.

I am constantly at odds with myself. My life is chaos and I go into these fits of rage in my head (sometimes audibly while alone in the car) where neither wins. It’s just absolute insanity.

It’s the same bullshit everyday where I am angry that I have no control of my life. If I wanted to do something is always at the whim of someone else. I need permission.

Perhaps that’s why I the angry side is looming large in these moments. It’s my inner child fighting back.

The image I have of this battle is like a pulsing, swirling ying-yang, almost as a dual colored sun.