I can’t sleep. My mind is whirling with too many things that it’s like a car idling in the driveway. I keep thinking about this conversation I had with an old friend of mine. It covered the gamut but my primary focus was the absurdity of sin and religion in general. I tried to bring up points of contradiction but the thing about faith brain is it’s like a snake eating its tail. One thing justifies the other with no real rhyme or reason.

This friend in particular really triggers my antagonistic nature in regards to faith. This friend I had, at one time, been in love with. We were really close friends and during a trip on spring break I crossed a boundary with him. He responded like any straight guy having an identity crisis. He fled into faith. When we returned to school after the holiday session he passed me a note between classss that he could no longer be my friend because of Jesus.

I broke down balling right there in class. The teacher sent me immediately to the office because I could not stop crying.

Years later we made amends. He says he never said that in the note and I’m like… girl, I broke down crying in second period history. I remember what it fucking said.

Having this conversation with him is really triggering, and not just because of that instance. It has been years of bullshit from the people are church and in the Christian schools I attended. I never saw more hatred and cruelty than I had in church. Once you remove faith from people they’re truly kind. I would say that I am much more caring than I was when I was religious.

I go in this roundabout arguments in my head debunking faith and how absurd it is. I attempted to do that in the conversation with this friend but I am not good under pressure. My husband on the other hand is who made me work through the bullshit to see it for what it was. He should be doing this kind of stuff… not me.

Like… I look at all of the shitty things that have happened to me and all I can think is either I’m being punished by god or it’s the devil. And if it’s the devil, I’ve already forsaken god, just let up. Kicking me lower isn’t going to make me hate god more than I already do. Then if it is god doing these things he’s a sociopath.

They go end over end for me. The thing that truly, truly killed it for me was watching my mother go through all she did. She was the most devout person I had ever, EVER seen. She walked the walk and talked the talk as the church likes to say. But she was met with nothing but heartache and struggles. A faith man would say that was just the devil trying to make her rescind her faith. Okay. Then why didn’t god stop it? If he’s all fucking powerful, why sit there and watch her struggle? As I love to say, cause god can’t cum unless you’re suffering.

Anyway… it’s funny, even now my thoughts are convoluted. I have a clear line of thought it’s just that I am so emotional about all of this that I get flustered and can’t think. And it’s because I was sold lies. I built my childhood on falsehoods printed in a book. Claims that make the assertion that they are “god breathed.” Well god spoke to me and said you’re a bunch of cunts.

I hope to one day find the peace from my religious past but I don’t think I ever will. I can never move past it because it is around me all the time.