This weekend was a busy one. I had event after event to go to and at the end of it I am genuinely exhausted. Mentally, physically, and (most of all) emotionally.

I had two events that were in-law related. One was a birthday and the other a celebration of life. I was happy to go because I do genuinely love my in-laws. I love them more than my own family, to be honest. The other reason I wanted to make sure I was there was to be my husband’s stand-in. I know I will never replace him, not in a million years, but I know it is what he would want from me. Nothing makes me happier than for him to be happy, even if it is totally up to my own interpretation.

The only downside of being at these events was that Charlie wasn’t. His absence was greatly felt. Especially from me. All I wanted to do was turn to him and make small asides about the family. They were all in good fun, but the inability to even that broke my heart and make me miss him even more.

The thing I’ve heard in the ALS LGBTQ group a lot is that this is the year of “firsts.” All of it is going to be something new and sad. I just have to power through with a smile and know that the one thing (I know without a shred of doubt) is that my husband wanted me to keep living.

Yesterday I made it back to Disneyland with the boyfriend. It was something we loved doing and did (monthly) prior to the great disrupt of Covid, and the subsequent diagnosis of Charlie.

My husband hated Disneyland. He hated the crowds, the rides, and the price of everything. So when I found someone to go with it was heaven. The one thing I would look forward to was going home and telling him all the things we did and show him the cool swag I bought that he would have hated or thought was tacky.

On the ride home I just felt sad. The phrase I repeated in my mind was “I miss Charlie.” I do…

When he was alive the moment I left to go do something he’d wait 20 or 30 minutes before he would message “Do you miss me yet?” At the time I found it annoying and only slightly emotionally manipulative because how could I miss you when we haven’t even gone an hour without talking. Even a text keeps someone in my thoughts so I don’t really miss them if they’re still there. (I think that’d an ADHD thing by the way.) Now I’m angry with myself for not knowing what was to come and for getting angry. I wish I could tell him how much I really do miss him. And I am sure on some plane he knows.