I have no content going into this, other than the fact that this morning I woke up missing my husband more than I have yet so far. I had a dream wherein he, tony, josh, and myself all went to see a movie in some “famous” theater. We didn’t even know what we were signing up to see but we went regardless as part of his “seeing it all before he dies” attitude. Josh and Tony sat nearby but not next to us. He and I took a spot kind of off to the side (because of his power chair) and we were at an odd angle from the screen.

Nothing else happened in the dream, regarding him. He could have almost been seen as a prop more than an actual presence. What I think triggered me was the inclusion of one of his friends there to visit him one more time before he passed away. I hugged the friend in the dream and then woke up. Dread cut through my chest like a bolt of fire. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to cry. For the first time I missed my husband more than I have yet. And each day I say, multiple times to myself, that I really, really miss him.

Lately I have been lost, trying to find what my life looks like without him in it. What is the new “normal?”

I’m trying to find it. Truly. I bought Disneyland annual passes to recreate my sense of adventure before he was ever diagnosed, and before the literal world fell apart with covid. That felt hollow and I ended up spending entirely too much money. I ended up feeling more guilty and annoyed than anything.

I’ve thought about going into theatre again, but I don’t have the energy to do it. Plus, they moved the one theatre I could participate in (I kind of ruined my chances with the other ones…) to the other side of town. Any show I could get a part in would require months of rehearsal… I’m not interested.

That’s the problem… I lack interest.

This past weekend I entered into one of my favorite writing competitions, the NY Midnight Flash Fiction. It cost $65 to participate but I like the challenge and the risk of wining the prize. I’ve only once made it to round 3, where I ultimately didn’t place in the top 3 to win a prize. This most recent one… I had to force myself to do it or risk having wasted the entry fee. In the end I pumped out a fun little story that made me laugh… I don’t know how it’ll go over with the judges. It was super “meta” as the kids would say. It was also mildly insulting if viewed through a particular lens, and on top of all that I didn’t do the assignment specifically stated in the assignment instructions. We’ll see how it goes…

All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Yet I can’t. I have to keep going.