As I mentioned in a previous post I have finally taken steps to combat my ADHD by starting a new medication. So far everything has been fine but the last two mornings I have woken up with immense anxiety. Both starting from very, very vivid dreams. Yesterday it was one about my mother at the peak of her Alzheimer’s. I woke up having (what I imagine was) an intense panic attack from this feeling of “impending doom.” The only way I could calm myself down was to reassure myself, in my husband’s voice, that everything was going to be okay. Luckily it worked.

This morning I woke up again with anxiety. This time as a swirling ball of acid in my gut. Again after a very, very vivid dream. This one was about my cousin whom I no longer speak to. We had once been close, I thought, but when I understood that was all fake I just cut her off.

I am sure I do this too frequently, (maybe it’s the Scorpio in me) but it’s something I just have to do. Ultimately I have boiled it down to: I have too high of expectations on what I think family means. So, for mine and their own sanities I’d rather just remove myself from the situation entirely.

It’s drastic but… I’d rather be alone, than hold expectations that will inevitably leave me disappointed.

My husband and I were once very close to this cousin. I do very much love her and wish her the best but… she’s a liar. She may not think so (and possibly she isn’t), but for me she kept secrets and made excuses to cover up things. When I realized what was going on, I cut her off.

It started off with her being a secret Republican. (A trump voting Republican I should add. Vom.) She would complain about living California. It’s “too expensive” she said. Yeah! You live in the Bay Area. The fuck did you think it would cost in the most desirable area imaginable? So she said they wanted to move to Oregon or Arizona. At the time I took it for face value, but have since realized that these are code for “we want a red state.”

The second clue was whenever my husband and I would visit them, her husband would just disappear. I never understood that. I often wondered if he didn’t like us, it wasn’t that. It was to avoid talking politics because he, clearly, is a Republican. And so is she. I even remember making a remark about Trump in the early-early days of him running and she grabbed his hand and made eye contact as if to say “don’t say anything.”

Now there was nothing wrong with that at one time. Other than they’re voting against their best interest (and most Republican policy directly targets and hurts my community) but whatever.

Inevitably I ended our relationship because of the obvious lying. Once I finally put the pieces together that is.

It has since given me the weirdest PTSD where now I am sincerely and deeply paranoid that every close family member or friend is a secret Republican. If she could lie to my face and excuse things away for her husband and friends with lies, then why wouldn’t others? So, I genuinely start to panic that the people I love are and I cannot deal with that. She and most reds won’t understand that concept.

What ultimately pulled the trigger for ending the relationship was when she didn’t go to my mom’s funeral. She told me that they “weren’t going to be able to make it” (day of I might add) and then her mom swooped in with some bs about her being sick. And maybe that was the case but why not tell me that? Why get your mom in on this?

I’m probably making the wrong move but… The PTSD it gave me is sincerely real. I know how ridiculous that sounds but… it genuinely causes me distress. All because of her lying to me and the lengths she would take to do it! I will continue to stand my ground. (Oh the irony.) Ultimately, we have nothing in common other than that we share DNA.