My heart is aching this morning and I don’t know why. I’ve described it on twitter as having “big feelings” as if I was a child throwing a tantrum. As ridiculous as it sounds I feel like one. I want to throw myself on the ground and scream and cry, flail my limbs for maximum exposure. The only reason I can conclude is that I’m just so confused from where these emotions flow. More than likely, it’s probably grief but there is something else mixed in there. A hint of aged barrel…

The only person I can think of to talk to, to work out these feelings, is my husband and that doesn’t seem likely. Unless I bought myself a Ouija board and was able to get in to contact with him specifically. In my experiences with one it’s always a spiritual “Russian Roulette.” You get who you get, y’know? And I’m not really in the mood to potentially scare up my mother. Even in death I’d prefer not to speak to her. Even if she’s regained her “thoughts.”

If I work backwards, I started to panic when I was overthinking about weekly Star Wars Unlimited league play. The “regulars” haven’t shown up the last few weekends since the time I wore my “Harris/Walz” hat to a game. Now I’m paranoid that I offended them or scared them off with my “liberal agenda.” (The one that runs through every Star Wars film, but whatever. Semantics.) This is a good example of why I’m only partially antagonistic. I genuinely don’t like making people feel uncomfortable, even if I think they deserve it because of their shitty opinions. Another fantastic example was when I was homophobia’ed at work and I apologized to him! To my own detriment, I’m unfortunately accommodating because I would want that in return. The lesson “treat others how you want to be treated” sunk in a little too deep for me. I cannot unlearn it even though I want to be the most petty person on the planet.

I told Josh and he said that I’m probably reading way too much into their “disappearance.” Which, to his credit, is something Charlie would have said. He also would have laughed at me. Because how dare I think the world revolves around me? And it is true, I do think that. Not in the sense that I am the center of attention. Oh no. It is based in the belief that wherever I may roam, I cause havoc and chaos in my wake. It’s silly but in the few instances where I was correct on my “hunch” has only fed this paranoia.

I took a little break and visited with my sorta-kinda-cousin one more time before she heads home to North Carolina. Since then I have felt better. I cannot even remember what it was I was bothered by. Which is weird because it was truly all consuming. My brain is such a hoot.