More than anything I want to tell you all about the cruise. It has genuinely been a wonderful experience. I was so worried about traveling by myself because the last time I was “on my own” I was a scared, insecure little boy. Never once has it occurred to me that in that time the people I have loved and lived with have changed me. I am not even close to that Josh anymore. This would not have occurred to me had I not taken this trip.

That said, I woke up this morning stressing and panicking so hard about the future and what that will look like. Moreso, what my finances will be.

As of right now I am steady in terms of getting by. My parents seemingly sacrificed themselves to make sure I could make it through the next few years after their passing. It was most certainly not intentional but it may as well have been the way everything fell into place.

However nothing is forever. Especially when my line of work has been hit so fucking hard post Covid. And the probability it will be fixed any time soon with the current ass hat in charge is slimmer than a sheet of paper.

Waking up panicking about finances, while actively spending money, is fucking hilarious. Especially since the experience taught me something I should have already been blatantly obvious. I guess this is my version of “student debt.” It served me just as well as a college education has for most of my generation.

More-so, I am very concerned about what I’m going to do once the inheritance runs out. Which means I’m going to have to find another job. That is so daunting since I have spent the last 20 years of my life in this line of work. Do I go back to retail? Do I go into food service? I’ve watched my brother try and find a job the past month, applying for everything but “health care,” and he hasn’t even received a single call. I have heard similar stories from friends on the internet. What the fuck am I going to do? My entire industry is fucked. I can’t even make a lateral move to something else.

Anyway… the fact that I am overwhelmed with all of this as I am on a cruise is quite ironic.