I hate my life right now. Starting my own business has done nothing so far but fill me, to the brim, with anxiety and panic.

The last two mornings I woke early, my stomach acid churning like magma, as my thoughts were consumed with the fear that I’ve somehow been blacklisted in my industry.

I thought this would be an easy transition. I already had established clients who sent me work regularly. What happened to them? Did my sudden and abrupt change to my own business set off some alarm bells? Am I a pariah? Did they only use me because of my boss’s experience?

Back when I was still optimistic and hopeful of this endeavor I viewed my departure from my prior firm to be as simple as taking a freeway off-ramp toward a new destination: my own business. Initially my transition was relatively smooth. I got three jobs in my first week. I was elated. Since then… nothing. (Granted it’s been only 2.5 weeks.)

Now, my mind is whirling with whether this is just market based or if it’s me. (I am always the reason shitty things happen to me.) And at this point in time, there is no way of telling. It’s all speculative. The only reason I’m entertaining the notion that it’s just the way things are right now, is due to my friend making an off-hand comment at lunch the other day. He is someone who is absolutely not in my line of work and for him to say something so telling gives me some hope.

It still doesn’t help me get assignments.

When I did a quick google to find out how I can get more I’m met with the number one way, networking.

I am not a social creature if I’m forced to be. I can be charming and engaging when I need to but I hate doing it. It’s fake. And there is nothing I detest more than inauthentic people. That’s including myself. Plus, having innocuous conversations with strangers in the “hope” that they might use me in the future is agonizing, and quite frankly delusional. I’d rather just not do this at all. But I know that if I throw away the last 20 years of my fucking life because I’m panicked I’ll be mad at myself.

So I’m trying to focus on getting extra education. Maybe a brainy guy with the credentials will turn some heads. Let’s just hope I can afford to do this.