I’m in one of those moods where I want to write something sweeping and profound. Yet I lack even the simplest of ideas. If I could muster one up I’m sure it wouldn’t be what I want it to be. What I know it could be. Instead I lay here in bed listening to my “mellow out” playlist (posted above) replaying old memories in my head, hoping a spark ignites.

Instead all I’ve done is dwell on what was. What could have been.

It’s funny how we lose ourselves as we get older. We let outside forces mold and shape us into some mutated version we could never have imagined in our wildest fantasies. It’s never obvious of course. We don’t see it happening. On the outside we appear somewhat the same, but deep in our hearts and minds is the weak, near death version that once had so many hopes for the future.

At one time I wanted to a be a writer. I wanted it to be my everyday; the thing that would put my name on the lips and in the thoughts of strangers. Why I thought that any of that mattered at the time has since been lost to the years. So what if Jill from Ohio knows my name? It would mean nothing. I’d still be here laying in bed thinking of the past and regretting all I did or didn’t do.

Maybe I should lower my standards? Sometimes it’s the smallest things that bring about bigger things because it was part of a chorus of other tiny events. Together it makes something beautiful.

Instead of my singular fame and notoriety, I’d much prefer to inspire those around me. Something that they too could add to the collective.

Whether they know me or not. I think I have succeeded if I evoke something from someone that they can look at, or ponder over, that gives them purpose. That gives them pride.

But I’ll never achieve that. I’m just a tiny pixel on a giant screen.

It makes me think how my husband was so content in the end. The impression I got was that he was not bothered with the fact that he never made any huge impact in the world at large. In my own life he did. He brought out the best parts of me.

The other day I went off on an ADHD tangent regarding the Chinese zodiac. This is the first year I have ever heard of an element tied to the sign. With that it inspired to know my own element. After a quick search I discovered that I am a wood ox. The least stubborn of the 5 elemental oxen. Mine is all about growth and rebirth.

I also learned that my husband was a fire snake and my bf is an earth snake.

It’s funny. My husband burned me down to let myself regrow with Josh. Weird. Also bizarre that I just so happened to partner with my perfect match. A snake. Both times.