Just a little bit crazy

May 15, 2020

The Circus Came to Town

Two days ago I had a moment of pure depression cross like thick nimbostratus over my brain. My heart sunk in the shadows and I lost all hope. I was left with next to nothing but these feelings of unsurpassed dread and hopelessness. And in that moment I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about living.

Now, I could never kill myself. (Well… never say never) But in my lowest moments I still have so much ego that I can’t fathom ending my own life. And since I have been through this circus many times before, I understand that this sideshow will eventually pull up stakes and leave town. It is that last piece of knowledge that curbs any thoughts of suicide. Yet, it does remind me that living with depression is literally one thought away from death.

After taking a short reprieve from twitter and the news, I have found myself again. I am not my usual manic happy, but I am better than where I was. I still am having a difficult time seeing the point in life, but that is it’s biggest and unanswerable question.

I have nothing of note to offer you here, unfortunately. All I can do is share my experience and offer a reminder that (if you have depression) you CAN get through it. It just so happens that I am lucky enough to have swings that are usually VERY broad and very fast. (The down swings don’t typically last for very long.) So at least I have that going for me.  Well, that and the quartz belief that “this too shall pass.” Nothing in life is permanent.

May 11, 2020

Fear and Loathing

In usual “look at me, look at me” form I recorded a video to post to Twitter, discussing the “realization” I had had over the people who are reluctantant or refuse to follow any of the COVID-19 rules and restrictions. However, the lighting was bad and I ended up sounding like a loon, so instead I thought I would return to good-ol’ long form. (Plus I need the practice if I intend to use this ample amount of free time to polish up that manuscript.)

Much like everyone in the fucking world, I am grappling with accepting the new reality in which we reside. Coming to terms with this new existence is hard and it’s stressful, but it is necessary. Embracing the present is the only way we can successfully move forward. And regardless of where we are emotionally, life will continue to keep going.

One of the steps I had to take for myself was to try and understand why some people REFUSE to do anything that is required of them. Why these “inconveniences” are seen as taking away their “freedom.”

Setting aside the PLETHORA of misinformation that is infecting websites across the internet, I wanted to know what other factor could be at play. It couldn’t be JUST misinformation. Because for them to seek out these “answers” there had to be some sort of catalyst.

When I examined my own behavior of discomfort and random outbursts of rage the answer came to me. The common factor fueling every one right now is fear. The fear of the unknown, the fear of the virus, the fear of watching your entire reality turn on a dime. It is truly terrifying. Human nature wants stability, but external factors refuse that need. That’s why people keep looking for the “light at the end of the tunnel” or this “return to the old way.” But all of that is bullshit. When we go through a journey we are never the same people at the end. It’s true with every step we take. Even if we just walk down a hallway, our heart-rate rises, body temperature changes, we experience new scenery from where we once were. All of these compound in our minds to form a new existence, because at the end of the hallway we have gained even more than what we had at the beginning.

But, walking down the hall isn’t scary for most (taking into consideration fears and life experiences). This is more like we’ve been placed into an unfamiliar hallway, blindfolded, and we’re told that there may be obstacles, but we don’t know what kind or how many.

So, as I begin to seethe with rage at these people breaking stay at home orders, or protesting local governments about restrictions, I have to remind myself that these people are reacting from fear. And that gives me SOME relief. It doesn’t change anything outwardly, but at least it helps minimize the terror I feel in myself.

May 6, 2020

Misery Loves Company

It occurred to me the other day that I have missed an opportunity with my blog to chronicle the entire expanse of my “Covid-19 Journey.” I could have begun with a post about how I was impressed/astounded/terrified of how quickly we went into lock-down, followed up by my hatred for working from home (and my subsequent desire to murder my spouse.) But in reality, what could I have added to the dialogue that wasn’t already being said by every mouth across the globe? There isn’t. We were all thinking and feeling the same thing, some more extreme than others (it would appear.)

I would like to say that I used this time to work on my novel, to finally get a polished draft to submit to agents, however in true “josh fashion” I became inexplicably obsessed with a video game that consumed all of my free time. To which I added two additional versions of said game (aka Animal Crossing) to my rotation. When I ran out of things to do in one variation I would jump to the other and so on. It’s been quite interesting. I can say with certainty that the original does still hold up, even though it lacks so many of the features that the most recent iteration possesses.

Even that aspect of the lock-down, was shared by so many of the gays on twitter. There was nothing exceptional or standout I experienced that warranted any sort of sharing on my part. And while I find that upsetting (my voice pitched at the level of everyone else) it also brought me some sort of joy.

Up until I wrote this post it didn’t even occur to me that for once in a great long while, all of us shared identical experiences. Well, identical might be a tad overstated, we did however have similar ones, and in that is a certain kind of magic. I think we get so caught up in this idea of the “self” that we can’t possibly imagine that we are never alone in our experiences. Yet, that isn’t true. It is why blog posts, articles, human interest pieces of people struggling with something do well, because it shows the world that we are connected somehow. Despite the fact that we are also so unique.

Just like everyone else, I ended up spending most of my time angry at the state of leadership; how it turned into a full on adventure just to go to the store for something as trivial as TOILET PAPER; being consumed with rage at having to work from home and the ever looming failure of technology to a remote computer; gaining a million pounds because working from home also allows for easy access to snacks; being obsessed over a televisions show or video game to take my mind off of the reality I am currently submerged; terrified I’m not going to be able to have enough funds to weather a lengthening of the shelter-in-place; and missing my usual haunts because they’re closed due to the possibility of contracting a very deadly disease.

Without a doubt in my heart, every person in this world shared, at least, one of those events.

This post was entirely too optimistic in the wake of the reality that so many people have died, and will continue to die, all because some fucked up politicians wanted to make a virus a partisan issue. It is humbling that I was one of the lucky who haven’t had any sort of agony accompanying my mild inconveniences. And the thing I find so frustrating is people protesting against wearing a mask or keeping themselves safe. Yet… even that is a shared experience. It’s just their “response” to these drastic/abrupt changes in normal life were VERY different than mine. (I comprehend the reality that my actions have consequences to people other than myself.)

Anyway… Stay safe, dear reader. Remember that you are not alone in the world. Someone is going through the same thing you are.

January 1, 2020

All down hill from here

As is custom, when I sit on the edge of a new year I take a look back at the previous one. And it must be said that 2019 was quite the train wreck. All the politics and world issues aside, my personal life was a rollercoaster.

Going chronologically, it started off great. In February of last year I passed my real estate appraisal licensing exam (on the third try) and officially became an appraiser. Then in May I was awarded my AA degree, summa cume laude (then proceeded to transfer to a more distinguished college campus). And in the space between these two landmark achievements, I felt empowered and returned to editing my novel (because nothing could stop the success train!)

I got halfway through my revisions before life turned on a goddamn dime.

The first punch to the gut was my mother getting, officially, diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. (Prior to that a nurse practitioner diagnosed her weird mental failings as being under too much stress.) Her loss of memories be damned, it was her erratic and bizarre behavior that finally showed my father and I the ugly truth we had been denying.

Following that my grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She was given a month to live and that she did. She passed away in the early morning hours after everyone had left her to rest.

Immediately after that death, my father fell and hit his head while taking his morning piss. (His third time falling that week.) He arrived at the hospital unresponsive and stayed that way until I gave the order to let him rest. He was gone in less than a minute, surrounded by his family.

Since then it has been failure after failure as I struggle to balance my job, my academic life, my romantic relationships, and being the sole caretaker for my mother. I try to keep up but I’m always letting someone down or forgetting to do something.

This had been the way of things until very recently…

After my husband had his weight loss surgery he began to have issues with his balance and walking. It got to be so worrisome that he was sent to a neurologist who ordered MRIs of both his brain and spine, and who gave an early diagnosis of “pressure on the spine.” He has since had them and now we wait for that news to hit us across the face.

To say that 2019 fucked me up would be an understatement. It bludgeoned me and left me on the side of the road to die.

But all is not lost…

This notion that at the stroke of midnight we are all given new lives and new opportunities is ridiculous. In reality we have that at all times. Even when things are shitty. Every moment is new and undiscovered. We get to forge new paths everyday. But just like any route the terrain is vastly different from the one that came before it. How you navigate through it depends solely on your willingness to keep going.

I am glad this year is done. But the shit storm that has become my life will only get progressively worse. It’s just the path I tread. However, I will take every moment I can to find happiness. I will surround myself with love and companionship to remind myself that in the end all that matters is what we did with the time we were given.