The Soundtrack of My Life

November 1, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 37 – Viva Las Vegas

My dad was quite the Elvis fan. He loved him. One time we took a trip to Memphis so that my pop could go see Graceland. I had no point of reference at the time. I had heard his songs here and there but being only twelve at the time he wasn’t on my radar. During this trip I was more concerned with getting my hands on some beanie babies.

It was so odd to me that my dad only wanted to see his house. He could not have cared less about his cars or outfits. One would think, him being a super fan, he would have been chomping at the bit… but no.

Years later I would revisit Graceland with my mother-in-law who is also a big Elvis fan. She wanted to see everything. (Well, except for the cars. She could not have cared less about those.) Her main goal was to see his jewelry. Unfortunately all they had was maybe one belt buckle and a couple rings. “There has to be more!” she said.

Later that evening, after our tour of his humble abode, we watched the movie “Viva Las Vegas” in the Elvis movie theatre. And boy-howdy was that movie garbage. I have only seen two of his movies, Blue Hawaii and Viva Las Vegas and they are both giant pieces of misogynistic bull shit that feel almost like a cocaine-fueled dream than a movie. Out of the two, each had one song in each that I enjoyed. If you wanted a story or any kind of character growth… I’d look elsewhere.

The main reason I chose this song is because this previous Friday, the day this was supposed to be published, I was in Las Vegas with my boys for the Magic 30 convention. This was the final stop, before home, on our cross-country road trip. And this was the event I had been waiting anxiously for since started a month ago.

Magic the Gathering (if you don’t know) is a collectible/tradable card game that came out in 1993 (if you’re doing the math it shouldn’t be called Magic 30 but… whatevs). It’s a strategy card game where people purchase booster packs to get better cards to incorporate into the decks they use against their opponents. The idea is that you are a wizard with a “library” of spells and creatures to defeat an opposing wizard. There is more complexity to it than what I am describing, but if I were to delve into them this would be a much longer post. I for one like to produce “fun sized” posts to entertain the masses.

This was the first convention I had/have ever attended. I have wanted to do San Diego Comic-Con in the past but I am not quick on the purchase button for me to get a ticket. Plus I’ve never actually had the money to go to one before. This time I had the funds to buy all of my boys a ticket and entry into a few tournaments. Even competitive play is something I have never done, nor have I wanted to. Most of the attendees to such events loath a soap, water, and deodorant combo. There was none of that at this event, so maybe it’s just a local thing. Or maybe if they can afford a ticket to the event they also usually purchase the necessary self-care items.

When I first signed up I had also wanted to do a ton of events, but out of the corner of my eye I caught a disclaimer that events tend to run long. So from the 6 I had initially purchased I scaled it by half. And thank the universe I did. One of my events was over 5 hours long. I didn’t even get a chance to finish it, because I was in super bad mood and the dudes at my table said there was only 2 rounds, when the app CLEARLY said 3. But instead of trusting the people, y’know, facilitating the event I took listened to the word of a bunch of know-it-alls who deemed the “winning deck” of our “pod” was just some kid with a bunch of creatures instead of me, whom they all decided (collectively) to take out first because I was the biggest threat. So… fuck them. (I’m not bitter.)

Despite my failures in that single tournament (it was them and my own stupid inability to slow down and pay attention) I had an amazing time. I fully intend on attending another one in the future, should they hold one. And supposedly this is a yearly thing. Who knew?

After spending an insane amount of money on Magic cards… (see the photograph below) I am officially home. It’s weird to be back, but I couldn’t have lived like that for much longer. Hopping from one hotel to the next is exhausting, especially when you have a co-traveler who requires many different life-saving devices in tow.

I’m just glad we got to tick off some bucket-list items for my husband (Boston, Florida, and New Orleans.)

Our only regrets is not spending more time in Austin and in Boston. My husband opined, as we were leaving “Bean Town,” that he wished we had set aside an entire month for the city instead of just a week. He is a foody traveler. He wants to taste all of the best local places to eat. I’m a sightseeing/experience guy myself.

It started out with just this… which is still TOO MUCH…

and then morphed into….

One of the boxes of cards and 3 of those decks merged into that white card box. Those are 3 shirts in the pile at the bottom. And not pictured here is this SWEET jacket I got.

October 23, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 36 – Two by Two

So in the tradition of “a song with the name of the location we are leaving,” I tried to find a song about Orlando that had some sort of memory or meaning to me. But there is honestly nothing that includes it. And the new ones I came across were depressing as fuck. So, I settled on this song.

This is from one of my favorite musicals. If you are unfamiliar it was written by the creators of South Park and one of the writers of Avenue Q and Frozen. So. Have fun with that knowledge.

This is the only musical I have ever listened to the soundtrack first before ever having seen the show or read the script. Usually I need context or mental imagery to enjoy a musical soundtrack but this interested me more than any other. I was not disappointed.

If you haven’t had a chance to see it, please do. I’ve seen it twice with two different casts and absolutely loved it each time. I had to stop myself from not acting out the role of Kevin Price.

In regards to any memory attached to this song, all this makes me think of is a workday where I was tasked with taking photographs of houses in a neighboring rural town. Instead of doing it solo I asked an old friend if she wanted to come along with me and the two of us sat and giggled like idiots to the songs. With both of us having come from deeply religious backgrounds we audibly gasped at the blasphemous lyrics.

This is one of the only good memories with that friend. She was problematic and someone I genuinely wish I could just forget existed. Especially her insane, Christian family. There are times I’m overwhelmed with anxiety just obsessing over the thought of them. Which is insane because they are nowhere near my current reality. They just made me so angry and I want nothing more than to tell them to their stupid fucking faces.

I have previously written about her mother trying to tell me to find a nice girl and settle down after a (one of many) break up with my husband. Evidently I made a face that was rude and she was insulted. Not that what she said was fucking insulting or that I always have a horrible expression… but whatever.

We left Orlando and booked it to New Orleans. We are on the final leg of the trip. After this weekend it’s hopping from one stop to the next until we make our way to Las Vegas and Magic 30.

October 14, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 35 – Boston

And here we are again, with a locational song to bookend our trip to the city of the same name. Boston has been a wonderful city. Absolutely gorgeous. Even the dump parts of it were enchanting. I would live here in a heartbeat. Well… almost. I can’t handle the lack of street lights on the highway or the the lack of lane markers or, worst yet, the fact that off-ramps just happen with no real warning. Other than those, gorgeous town.

The whole point of our road trip was to make it here, which is why I set aside a week. The hubby and I have never been and have always wanted to. He had thoroughly enjoyed it. He just wishes we had designated the whole month here instead of 5 days. And he’s not wrong.

During our time here we’ve also gone to P-town and Salem. I thought Provincetown was going to be a short day but it turned out to be fun filled. And I already can’t wait to go back.

Today we set off for Philadelphia where the Bf will be flying in to meet us for the weekend. Can’t wait to have all my boys together again.

Now to the song…

The first time I had ever heard this was on the pandora station I would play at my desk, while in the employ of my previous employer. It was the only perk of working there, getting to have my music. Other than that… it was the worst experience of my life.

It’s funny, because while I was there I didn’t see how much it was killing me. I had just come to accept it. Never once did I question my mental health and self worth. Both of which my coworkers attempted to destroy.

I applied for this job and got into it by accident. I just wanted an office job. I was burnt out on retail. I couldn’t handle working holidays anymore. So I answered an ad and it turned out to be for an office assistant for a real estate appraiser. When I told my husband he was so jealous. He had always wanted to get into that line of work.

They initially liked me and hired me right away.

The man who trained me became a really good friend. I enjoyed his company. He was training to be an appraiser and I was meant to be his replacement. He went out on odd jobs here and there and worked overtime for the boss. The way the main appraiser and his assistant spoke to him was atrocious. They genuinely talked to him as if he had three brain cells. And he was very intelligent. (He’s currently a history teacher, which definitely suits him moreso than appraisals.)

I remember one time asking him, after this one woman had said something utterly despicable to him, “why do you put up with the way they speak to you?” He just shrugged a shoulder and turned back to his computer screen.

Years later, I was him. They ended up treating me the same exact way. It wasn’t until I left to work with my current employer did I realize how much of my sense of self that job drained from me. Away from it I lost a ton of weight and have loads more confidence in my ability to do anything.

It’s incredible.

All this song makes me think about is that cubicle, those horrible people… and how a change of scenery put me on the path to be who I was meant to become. If I had stayed there… I wouldn’t be in Boston right now. I wouldn’t have had the funds or the time to invest in my husbands final days.

I also like how in the song she went from California to Boston. Like me. And the cities are truly different sides of the same coin. And while I am a Californian through and through the call to this historic place is very real.

September 30, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 33 – Heaven

My entrance into any kind of gay community was very limited, unfortunately. I look back and I have a lot of regret that I wasn’t able to spend a little more time in that kiddy pool while I could. On the other hand, I was also self-destructing at the time and very likely would have ended up travelling a very dark path. Like with most “missed opportunities,” I’ll never know what could have been.

Right when I started dating Travis a little establishment opened up in downtown Bakersfield that was a beacon of hope for young gay youth. The club was titled “Bam-bams” and it was an experimental 16 and up disco. There was no liquor served, just looks, attitude, and dance moves. There was a cover charge, which is why most weekend nights it was more entertaining outside of the club than in. If you happened to hand over the $5 cash, you would find an empty black-box room filled with multiple video screens and dance music. Mirrors adorned the walls, to entertain the one lone dancing queen, wearing a crop top and shorty-shorts. The first time I went in I was so disappointed. It turned out that I was one of a few f*gs in this little town. I’d make the rounds and then tote myself back out front to chit-chat with the poor kids and the young queen working the door.

“Heaven” was one of the songs I discovered at the club. I still remember the music video, and one time even asked the lone bartender/owner to play it in the mix. He gave me a thumbs up and a wink.

Every Friday or Saturday night I would tote myself and my friends to Bam-Bams (aka BSqaured). I was beginning to build a community and make new friends that quickly replaced my hetero ones. None of the connections I had made during that time are currently in my sphere. They’re not even Facebook friends. It’s almost as if they never really existed. They were just phantoms. They helped me come into myself as a gay man and through my break-up of with Travis. I also frequented this little establishment because it was just around the corner from the actual bar my tatted ex liked to haunt. If I went I had the off-chance to catching a glimpse of him.

Oh, youthful infatuation.

As I was want to do at that time, that guy was quickly replaced by my next relationship, which happened to be to my future husband. One of our first ever pictures was taken outside of Bam-Bams.

My friend Eddie had taken the photo. He did it as “side shade.” He HATED Charlie with a passion, but that was because he had wanted to date me. (Good Lord I sound conceited.) He was one of the ones who encouraged my “bad habits” at the time. Regardless of his intentions, this moment is forever with me.

The last time I went was when I had been caught making out with a dude who was not Charlie, by a couple friends of ours. They pulled into the parking spot me and this guy happened to be macking in front of. Once they got out, and I saw who it was, I tried to pull it off like nothing had happened. But we both know they had seen what I had been doing.

That night I got unbelievably wasted. Charlie picked me up on his way home from the bar down the street, and walked me back to his apartment. On the way there he found my pack of cigarettes, Camel Turkish Gold, in my pocket.

“What are these?” He said and proceeded to leave them on the lid of a trash can.

“Hey!” I had said, but he acted as though nothing had happened and ushered me further down the street. And being so drunk I quickly forgot about them.

He hated it when I smoked. And this discovery went against my previous statement that “I was quitting.”

That night I sat on the floor of his bathroom, at the edge of his toilet, puking my guts out. At one point I demanded he give me bread, as one of my friends had said it helps sober you up. He laughed and brought me a slice of sour dough.

“Not this,” I had said and threw it in the trash.

In the morning I came clean about what had happened that night. I was caught. And when I am found out I don’t lie my way out of it. I rather face the consequences than make it worse. Plus, I didn’t want him to hear it from someone else. The truth would be better delivered from me, than a casual acquaintance.

He was angry and barely spoke to me. For whatever reason he kept me around the rest of the day. We went and did his laundry at a laundromat across town, where he continued to ignore me. I didn’t know what I was doing there and all I wanted to do was leave. Little did I know he had been working out if I was worth the trouble of keeping around.

As the present can attest, he decided to not break it off. (Stupid man.)

It did however initiate my pattern of doing horrible shit and getting caught. And our subsequent knee-jerk reactions of implementing restrictions to my life to avoid any more of these cruel/stupid choices.

In reality he should have ended it with me. I was mess at the time and didn’t, even remotely, have my shit together. It didn’t occur to me until doing this project, just how fucked up I was. In the span of a year I was dumped 3 times, by 3 different guys. That’s bonkers. I was newly out and discovering who I was as a gay man, and that wasn’t the most simple of tasks as I was coming from a very, very religious background/upbrining.

If he hadn’t stuck with me, I am genuinely curious how I would have ended up. More than likely I would have contracted HIV, because my sex education focused more on the “don’t do it” than the “USE A GODDAMN CONDOM!”

I don’t think I would have abused recreational drugs. That was the one thing about Christian school that had stuck. I would however, have been a raging alcoholic. And most likely would have jumped from one job to the next without ever having any ambition to go back to school or start an “adult” career.

But this is all speculation. None of this could have happened. I could have moved away and started an entirely different life. Who fucking knows. All I can say with certainty is that I wouldn’t be where I am now.