January 1, 2024

A Dark Post for a New Year

The concept of a “new year” is lost on me. Not in the sense that the number has jumped to a higher one. That obviously makes sense. What doesn’t is this idea of the immense possibility. “I can be a whole new me” just by the stroke of midnight.

I used to be one of those folks. Thinking that because we had ascended another hill and looked at the next surface of climb, we could and would achieve anything. Yet over the past few years I have lost that sense of wonder. I applaude those who still have it. Hold onto it as long as you can because it slips away easier than you think.

For me it broke down when I realized that my problems and troubles would continue no matter what. “New year, new me” be damned. Without a complete and utter fucking overhaul, overnight, my life will remain the exact same. Which is fine. It doesn’t stop there for me. It will not stay the same. In fact it will get worse.

Caring for someone with a progressive terminal illness doesn’t have the hope and possibility that other’s experience. My journey only gets scarier and more traumatizing. So, the mentality of “I can transcend this!” doesn’t apply. This was the same last year, and the year before. And even the year before that. For a brief shining moment at the start of 2019 my outlook looked incredible. Truly. Then on some cosmic plane the deity watching me climb the rope of fate decided to cut it, and I have been clinging to a thread that has gone slack, whose end is plummeting toward my face to knock me back down.

Sorry for being so depressing. However bleak I sound I know that is not my lot in life. Things will change, it just won’t happen with the turn of a new day. Instead it will be in March or August or even in a few years from now. Nothing is permanent. Nothing. Not joy or sadness.

This year, I know will be the hardest of my life. My husband does not have long. Even his doctor, in November, said months. How many? We have yet to guess. But I can see. I know the end is nigh. Although I do not fear it. I don’t even think about it. (At least try not to.) I attempt to focus on the now, the moments that I do have with him. He’s still here. I can still hear his chuckle, smell his breath, see the mischievousness and love in his eyes, and I get to kiss his warm forehead and know that he is here. He is safe.

Death and dying was a lesson I needed that, for me, was prefaced by a “starter course” in community college. Quite literally. Although I did not know it at the time. After that my life forced me to face its ugly reality. To learn repeatedly that the future is not predictable, definite or ever clear. It’s a dense fog, with a little illumination at best. Live in the now. Feel the now. Enjoy this exact moment because we will not have it again.

Happy New Year.

December 15, 2023

The Soundtrack of My Life – 44- Snowman

Sia has never really been on my radar. Other than the mega hit Chandelier, the only song of hers that I can think of was one teens were using as the soundtrack to their “pity me” videos. Y’know the one’s I’m talking about? It’s where they film themselves holding up pieces of paper with “their story” written in bold marker, while they sob. Teenagers (my younger self included in this statement) are so hilariously over-dramatic. I forget the name of that particular track, but it’s that one.

Regardless, I discovered this song last year while trying to shoehorn the “Christmas spirit” into me. I really wasn’t feeling it, and no amount of “balsam” scent or holiday cookies were doing the trick. Luckily Spotify has a “Christmas Hits” playlist that includes some of the most well-known holiday hits. I’d strike it up while I was driving around for work. When Snowman played from my speakers I was instantly hooked. I couldn’t explain it. I stopped the playlist and put this one song on repeat for the next two days.

Even this year, I had forgotten all about it until I did the exact same thing to drum up some holiday joy. Once again this captivated me like no other song and I was obsessed.

An internet friend of mine once told me that we tend to obsess over songs we identify the most with. I didn’t disagree and still don’t, but I couldn’t quite get why the song about a snowman would consume me so aggressively.

As I like to do, I over-analyzed the lyrics and tried to pick the song apart for it’s true meaning.

Granted… I could just be talking out of my ass as I look for some deeper meaning. For all intents and purposes it could have just been a fun song they wrote to make money. The words just fit the rhyme and it sounded festive. But as an “artist” I refuse to believe that these things are just “commercial.”

What I came to was that this song is about someone who is dying. Why choose a main character that is so fragile. A snowman is made and can only exist in winter. The time they are present is fleeting, but while they’re there you have as much fun with them in the snow, while winter lasts.

The song goes on with the singer pleading with the snowman to not worry about the inevitable, be here for me. This is the one piece of the song that I feel odd about, because it almost feels selfish to me. The singer begs the snowman to not worry and to not “melt,” for them. However, I don’t think that’s was the intention. My assumption is more of a reflection of my own insecurities.

The narrator proves their selflessness in the chorus:

I want you to know that I’m never leaving
‘Cause I’m Mrs. Snow, ’til death we’ll be freezing
Yeah, you are my home, my home for all seasons
So come on, let’s go

They are reaffirming that “I am here, I will be here until the end.”

The lyrics continue on that the two of them can run away and hide out in the north pole, a fictitious place, to escape the melt and continue on forever.

If you haven’t picked up what I’m putting down… It’s about my husband. My “snowman” and me.

This has single-handedly become my all-time favorite Christmas song. I could genuinely listen to it non-stop for days without growing tired of it. Even while the lyrics are somewhat sad if you kind of “break them apart” the music is really selling the hope of stopping the melt and finding happiness in the north pole.

December 12, 2023

Possession by My Mother’s Soul

I’m genuinely over war. I’ve grown weary of the constant state of creation of weapons to destroy people deemed “our enemies.” It’s exhausted and I no longer want to participate in it.

Now I can hear what some might say, “What if they try and attack you?” Let them. Let us use our weapons of “mass destruction” (oh, the irony) in use for defense instead of offense. Why waste resources and LIVES for the sake of… what?

It is abundantly clear that the primary purpose of war is for wealth creation. Not for the people, but for the select few who have access to this power. Whether it be directly or by association. I refuse to participate in the accumulation of wealth for those who see me as a pawn in a ridiculous chess game.

What is happening in Gaza is a display of overkill. It is genocide. You have a group of people isolated so much that to bomb them eliminates there presence, especially if they are not allowed to leave.

To justify their actions of “retaliation” by stating “they did it first!” makes one sound like a child. It’s amazing to me how many Christians will support this behavior when it is reported in their holy book to “turn the other cheek so that they may strike it too.”

Christ was a pacifist. To seek retribution only makes one the same as the one who instigated the first unwarranted attack.

This is a point I wrestled with the most as a child, growing up in the church. I wanted satisfaction. I wanted revenge on those who had hurt me. My mother was such an advocate for pacifism. She taught me that it didn’t matter, to just walk away. Lowering yourself to their level only proves that you are just like them.

At the time I hated hearing it and refused to let what doing so meant.

Seeing the hatred some gays have toward the “queers for Palestine” is truly unnerving. I get that we don’t have shared experiences or life lessons, but to advocate for the destruction of the people of Gaza because some of them “kill gays” is not a justification. At that point they are no better than the Muslims who want to kill them for being homosexual.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:38-39 RSV).

For the life of me I cannot believe I am quoting the bible in a non-ironic way. My mother’s spirit must have possessed me. There is no other explanation, because I am an athiest and think all religions are cults.

I have just reached a point in my life that I fully comprehend that: death is inevitable. We will be taken regardless of what we have done/do. If someone kills me for being gay, well, so be it. I am going to die one way or another. If it is at the hands of someone else’s bigotry that speaks of their character and not mine.

I will not concern myself with that fear anymore. Much like they should not concern themselves with how I live my life.

That said… I also won’t roll-over and “accept my fate” if I cannot escape any possible “threat.” Self preservation and the safety of those I love is my top priority. I just refuse to destroy my “soul” (for lack of a better word) by lowering myself to their way thought.

December 8, 2023

Good vs Evil

I have always felt like two people. Two very different forces, two ways of thought, two opposing personalities… it’s truly bizarre. I don’t know if others feel or think this way, and it never occurred to me to ask, but it is the real “me.” As I grow older, I become concerned that this might be a sign of schizophrenia because that runs deep in my family. My father had it. How I justify that it’s “okay” is that this other voice, the passive me, is still “Josh.” Just, not me.

Passive me is this empathetic white knight. The one who wants to defend and protect all of those around me. He is honorable. It’s just that he’s really fucking lazy. I say that because he only lives in thought, he never actually does anything. At times he will take over and move to the forefront and become me, however it is only when it’s absolutely necessary for our success. As if he thinks “oh, Josh is gonna fuck this up… better step in.”

The active me is selfish and petulant. He is angry at life and wants to be free of everything. I’d rather do what I want to do, when I want with no consequences. The primary josh is also the one with the short fuse and hot temper.

It is these two forces that fight inside of me at all times. Yet the thing I find odd is that “passive me” is the one with the firmer voice. Usually he is the one that talks some sense into the belligerent one. Lately though… that isn’t the case.

I am constantly at odds with myself. My life is chaos and I go into these fits of rage in my head (sometimes audibly while alone in the car) where neither wins. It’s just absolute insanity.

It’s the same bullshit everyday where I am angry that I have no control of my life. If I wanted to do something is always at the whim of someone else. I need permission.

Perhaps that’s why I the angry side is looming large in these moments. It’s my inner child fighting back.

The image I have of this battle is like a pulsing, swirling ying-yang, almost as a dual colored sun.