family

September 1, 2021

Just focus on the: “I have no plan.”

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep having to re-learn the same lesson over and over again. Social media is a blight on society. For me especially so, because I get to see what and how my family thinks. And what I have learned is that they are fucking idiots.

I have a nurse cousin who is now an anti-vaxxer. Like… You work in a field that uses science every day to save lives. How can you sit there and tell me that you shouldn’t get a vaccine? Why are you even a nurse? Do you like caring for people who could have avoided their trip to the ER (where you fucking work) by just getting a shot? That’s it. Nope. Instead she’s pushing the idea of choice. Well, people make stupid choices. Clearly.

Upon seeing her post I wanted to write out some long drawn out bullshit in response but I chose to not do that. I don’t need to alienate even more of my family. I’ve come pretty close with my newly found niece. She’s given me way more chances than I probably deserve with how militant I am about getting vaccinated.

Instead of directly responding to the said post, I wrote a passive aggressive one that would have been on my own personal page. I typed it out to say: “If I do get covid, I fully intend to not wear a mask. Nor will I socially distant in any capacity. I will continue going about my life as if nothing is wrong. Because, y’know, my body, my choice.”

However, as I hovered over the “submit” button I paused and realized that niece… And the chances. While it is something I do feel, it’s not very becoming. I then look like the monster because people lack the intelligence and comprehension to understand I am making a point.

So, instead, I am back to “socially distancing” from my idiotic family.

I am just so over the world. It is filled with the stupidest people, and after seeing that post I truly lost all hope. Like I am officially done living. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left in me to give.

The thing that drives me the most crazy is how to get people to care about something or to stop listening to bullshit. These are intelligent people and they allow the “fear” of the unknown to keep them from taking something that could and will save their life. Everyone’s life. Yeah, children don’t die of covid, but the people who care for them CAN AND DO. Do you really want to run the risk of your children being orphans because wearing a mask gives them anxiety?

I just want to scream.

If I didn’t have my husband to look after I genuinely would end it all. Everything is hopeless. Life is hopeless. We’re careening toward a world I legitimately want no part of. In the end it would be better of without me. Because, as it is, I offer nothing of substance. I am insignificant.

ANYWAY! Just letting off some steam by sharing the “crazy.” Keep in mind, I have no plan or intention to take my life. (At least, not yet.)

That was ominous… Just focus on the: “I have no plan.”

February 17, 2020

Family? I don’t know them.

It’s sad to me how much my mother believes in the fantasy of “family.” She is of the school that “blood is thicker than water.” And at one time in her life it was true, but it has since diluted. For me it never existed, because I saw through my families bullshit and lies.

Lies may be a harsh word. I should just say empty promises. The words these people speak mean nothing to them, but unfortunately so much to my mother. She believes them, because at her core she would never say something she didn’t mean.

One of my cousin’s (I forget whom) had a problem with my mother because if you invited her to any event she will attend. That thought angers me for two very specific reasons: 1) why wouldn’t you want her there? and 2) is it such a bad thing to be able to depend on someone, no matter what?

When she was firing on all cylinders, she was the most giving woman to ever have existed. (She still is, by the way, she just lacks the capacity to do as much as she wants.) She would go absolutely out of her way if you asked her to. The only problem is she (subconsciously) expects that in return, and it’s not going to happen.

This morning my mother ruminated on how she had taken care of both my aunts when they had cancer and my father through his many ailments. Both of my aunts would eventually succumb to their illnesses (and my father on an unrelated injury tied to one of his many issues.) Before they had passed, she was there every step of the way. She would make the 2 hr drive down to see my aunts as often as she could without complaint because it was just what family did for one another.

Rewind many years and my mother was there for my cousin’s as they were growing up. I am in a weird spot in my family line, because all of my first cousin’s were having children when I was born. So I grew up with my second cousins. During the years before she met my father, she was the bad ass aunt who took her nieces and nephews to every southern california theme park, took them shopping, did whatever she could to give them a good childhood. She was the one they ran to when they “ran away from home.”

Returning to reality… Here we are as her mind is disintegrating and where are they? Where is this family that is supposed to come and help? They don’t even have to do anything, just visit. Sit there and reminisce. Chat. But they are nowhere. And in the end, for me, that’s fine. It further cements the notion that blood means fuckall. Yeah, you share a genetic code, but that doesn’t mean they give a shit about you.

The thing that does upset me with their absence, is that these ungrateful pieces of shit are hurting her. She languishes in isolation and wonders why no one visits her. It’s heartbreaking to watch and one I can’t answer for her, without sounding angry or bitter.

My mother loves to wax poetic that “your family loves you.” (Speaking to me, about me.) No, they don’t. They really don’t. They tolerate me or “accept” my existence. But love is being there for someone, no matter the cost. Love is not empty words spoken to make you look good, but carry no weight behind them.