I give too much of myself away. Friends. Strangers. Loves. There is no hesitation on my part. I see the pool and I dive right on without thought of consequence or fear of pain. What invariable happens is that the pool is shallow and I wind up in agony trying to rationalize why it isn’t any deeper. It’s silly. I am so desperate for love that I do too much, and expect just as much in return. What I fail to realize is that I may feel that way but others do not.
In my experience people want to keep you arms length away. Either from utility or they just aren’t that type of person. I know this. With every fiber of my being I am very well aware that I will get my feelings hurt but I do it again and again because I want to be loved. I want a deeper connection with someone that transcends everything I have ever known.
Part of me thinks that if I ever did somehow receive that kind of love I would immediately hide because I would have no idea how to handle it. Yet I ever never known such a thing so I have nothing to base it on. Well. I might have found it once but I turned it away because it was neither the time or the place.
I’ve decided to close myself off from people. I don’t say this to garner pity or for people to change who they are. I say this because I mean it. I need to find something better to do with my time than wasting it on friendships that really are ankle deep.