I’m 30, ladies and gentlemen!

Molly Shannon’s character embodies precisely how I feel. However Sally O’malley was proud of being half a century I am a little distraught about being one third of that time. In the beginning I didn’t know where this fear came from, but the more I thought about it that the reality came to light. 

The simple answer is I’m no longer a kid. I am an adult and getting older. There is no denying that fact. Scratch below the surface and there is the remnants of dreams long since gone. The hope that I would have accomplished so much more by the time I was this age. Yet that is very much not the case and instead my life is just beginning. I wasted the youth I had doing nothing productive. Fuck me. 

Then below that fossilized failure there is the granite of where now no one will want to fuck me. Yes I am married so that shouldn’t be a problem, but everyone wants to at least be wanted by someone else. She wants to feel attracted and desired. In the gay world once you’re thirty you may as well be dead. Just a quick look through a craigslist ad and you’ll see that top billing among “no chubs” and “no Fems” there is “only under 30.” What hurts the most is the poster is more than likely in their fucking forties so who are they to cast that stone? 

When I was in my younger years I never understood why people were so upset about turning 30. They were still the same in every way. The only change was that the number was different. That is very typically a “Josh” response. I have half empathy where I can sort of see the other side but not quite. It isn’t until I have experienced the same agony and pain do I know what it is like to be consumed. 

Now that it is just a fact that I am 30, I still feel the same. I’m still the same person with the same desires. There is no difference other than my response when asked my age. And no one will want to fuck me from a personal ad but I shouldn’t be there in the first place. Fuck them and their conceited posts. No one wants to fuck them either. That’s why they are so desperate their posting ads on Craigslist! They might as well be posting it in Parade magazine or on that one wall in every porn shop. 

As to not achieving my goals… After some reflection I realized that it is ultimately my own fault for where I am. There is only one captain on the SS DRAMA QUEEN and that is Josh. No one else calls the shots. Instead of feeling bad about it I will change it and put engines to full steam ahead. The only way to change tomorrow is by changing today. 

Finally, I am an adult. Yes. I am worthy of the title by age alone. But however old I am I still act like a kid. I had a Star Wars birthday cake for christs sake. (My mother in law knows me well.) I read comics, I play nerdy card games, I play D&D, and I WILL be one of those nerds that is dressed like a Jedi when Episode VII premieres in December. It’s all state of mind and if I let the fear and panic consume me those are just going to bring down the ship. 

Now is the time to get serious. My twenties were for fun, making new friends, and having unforgettable experiences that only a dumb twenty something would do. However fleeting life is (and it is fucking short) I still have enough time to become a journalist, a published novelist, an appraiser, and a father. It is all up to me. 

The news just arrived at my desk that one of the women in my office is leaving. At first I was very sad to see her go (and still am) but now I am very happy for her. She is originally from the UK and she has grown weary of the states (and I do not blame her) and she is returning home after 30 years in California. Come to find out, she and her husband split up but as of right now are still living together. Boy, do I know that song and dance well. So instead of finding a home here she is moving away. 

I am so terribly jealous. I want to move more than I need air. I’m sure I would miss California (sunshine alone) but I don’t feel like I belong here. London felt more like home to me than any place I have been to before. The thought has crossed my mind of just immigrating but then I’d constantly be living in fear of being deported. In addition I don’t even know how I would do it to be quite honest. I don’t know how anyone would even dream of attempting it the thought is so scary. 

Two years in a row the husband and I took a trip to London. This year we will not and it feels strange. My heart aches for something I hardly know. 

Case study 

I think I’m in a downward spiral in regards to my depression. For the last month or more I have been doing quite well. Or at least it felt as so, yet for some reason I feel like a switch was triggered in my brain and that has all gone. The lights are on and I can see all the ugly truth. It is this reality that has forced me to rethink everything and thus made me seriously depressed. I should probably go back on my meds but… I felt like it kept me from feeling. In a good and bad way, of course. 

He logical thought would be to start back on them but I’m willing to ride this until I hit the ground. Or I will catch and updraft and start flying high again. In truth this could just be a natural mood change and because I don’t know how to handle anything but joy I automatically run to “its my depression.” That could just be what the problem is or it could be manufactured from all the time being told I’m a “downer” or that I suffer from clinical depression. How can one gauge the truth when they’ve been told one thing for so long? 

I will keep an eye on it but it’s weird how I felt this shift so suddenly. I really was doing just fine and something happened, what I don’t know, and it’s been different. I wonder if it’s because I have stretched myself so thin that it’s made me tired and thus made me moodier than usual. Good for thought. 

I give too much of myself away. Friends. Strangers. Loves. There is no hesitation on my part. I see the pool and I dive right on without thought of consequence or fear of pain. What invariable happens is that the pool is shallow and I wind up in agony trying to rationalize why it isn’t any deeper. It’s silly. I am so desperate for love that I do too much, and expect just as much in return. What I fail to realize is that I may feel that way but others do not. 

In my experience people want to keep you arms length away. Either from utility or they just aren’t that type of person.  I know this. With every fiber of my being I am very well aware that I will get my feelings hurt but I do it again and again because I want to be loved. I want a deeper connection with someone that transcends everything I have ever known. 

Part of me thinks that if I ever did somehow receive that kind of love I would immediately hide because I would have no idea how to handle it. Yet I ever never known such a thing so I have nothing to base it on. Well. I might have found it once but I turned it away because it was neither the time or the place. 

I’ve decided to close myself off from people. I don’t say this to garner pity or for people to change who they are. I say this because I mean it. I need to find something better to do with my time than wasting it on friendships that really are ankle deep. 

Turning the page

It has been said countless times before.  Most of the time incorrectly or undeserved, but today was truly the end of era. After 6 months shy of a ten year mark of service I punched the clock for the last time. Now it is on to bigger things. Scarier things. Quite possibly better things. Although I already have my doubts. 

I won’t go too in depth but my new boss and old boss were once business partners. For whatever reason they had a falling out and parted ways. Since that time some things have transpired that gave the illusion that there is some bad blood. Since interviewing and speaking with my upcoming mentor I have learned that is very much the fact of the matter. Which leads me to wonder if I was just a pawn in their petty games. 

Whatever my new bosses reason, I have my own and it is to get my residential appraisers license. It is a year long journey, fraught with mountains of homework, exams, and 2000 hrs of appraisal experience. The best part is that on Monday I’m diving in head first. I hope there’s water in the pool because I have my suit on. 

One of my character flaws/strengths is that I have to please them. I will go out of my way to do something to make them happy. Leaving the ten-year office I have a lot of built up respect and loyalty to them. Even though I am in fact leaving I will do whatever it takes. In the end I sill love them. My boss meant more to me than just a supervisor or manager. He grew into something much more without my knowledge. Even my fellow employs were like the odd cousin I have to feign affection for at the annual family reunion. So just up and leaving is NOT in my character and demanding that I do that does NOT sit well with me. 

Prior to Wednesday I had no doubt or worry going into this new job. Maybe a sneaking suspicion but I was going to nip it in the bud once I started. The other development was when I called asking, for a second time, if I could extend my end date at MB&A so I could take care of training my replacement as best as I could. For the second time I got a resounding now. This dude seems about as easy to move as a 20 story sky scraper. But I understood. He took on a fuller work load with the understanding that I would be there to cover it. 10-4. So I asked if he would mind if I would moonlight for a short while to train my replacement. My new boss was agreeable and said I could do whatever I wanted on my own time. I thought that was the end of it. Flash forward to a couple hours after that conversation and his tune has DRASTICALLY changed. I have a deeply harrowing suspicion that a third party whispered in his ear and made the situation much worse. Regardless of my hunch, he put me in a very compromising situation that is forcing me to lie to him and I absolutely don’t want to start out with in this new chapter. He offered me a stress-free work environment and I know now that will probably not be the case. In fact, I’m scared it may be worse. You see, boss two is bedfellows with an old nemesis of mine, Hue!

That’s not really her name. But I change her identity to protect the (probably) innocent. I’m going off of hunches and intuition. She once had been involved with my former employer but they too had a falling out that, according to boss one is irreparable. I wish I knew the full details to feast on but I’ll take what morsels he chucked my way. It is in this knowledge that she would seem to have an ax to grind against the latter. 

Whatever the drama, I finish out this chapter on a good note, with a good cry. It was weird in my final words with Mike that he too got misty eyed, thus triggering my reflex to tear up. While he was such a character, and brusque sometimes, he taught me so much. More than I will ever know, I think. I grew up under his watchful eye. I went into the job inexperienced at the age of twenty with no real life goal or any crumb of ambition. I leave him with good grades and a dream to graduate with a bachelors in journalism and the desire to be a real estate appraiser. That is truly something. I also have this attitude for not putting up with bull shit. 

When I meet with newboss on Sunday I’m going to be honest and lay it all out Mike Style. 

Life is consistently never what one would expect

This morning the moment of truth arrived and before I clocked in to begin my day I marched into my bosses office and informed him that in two weeks time I was leaving. You know what his only response was, “I wasn’t expecting that.” All weekend I fretted over the possibility of him making me an offer to stay and how I was going to make my choice from there. He didn’t offer a goddamn thing. Not a one. Which in reality makes it that much easier to walk away. What annoys me, and quite frankly is insulting, is that he just didn’t seem to give a shit. I have spent the past 9 years of my life growing ulsers in my stomach from the stress I’ve endured from that office and not even a weak attempt to raise my pay. 

What I am getting though is a going away lunch from Panera (my choice.) So, at LEAST there’s that. 

Don’t disappoint yourself

I hate letting someone down. I know no one does, I think. There may be some psychos out there with no emotional fear of disappointing but that is certainly not me. Tomorrow it will have to be. 

I was approached by one of my former bosses (I have/had several) and he offered me a job at his firm. At first I had no intention of leaving yet I met with him anyway. After an hour of complimenting me (flattery gets one anywhere with me) I broke down and couldn’t wait to hear what he would offer me to come and join his company. While the hourly rate isn’t what I had expected or wanted I still agreed. I had virtually accepted it when I packed up my desk on Friday evening before I left for the day. 

Monday morning I will give my main boss, my two week notice. I couldn’t be more terrified. My mind has concocted certain scenarios that may play out when I inform him of my decision and not one of them doesn’t involve me crying. Pathetic, right? My biggest worry is that he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse in an effort to stop me from going to his newly dubbed rival. He has thus far done it twice. (Which makes me worried I am just a pawn in both of their chess game of revenge.) If for some reason he does try to keep me on staff with some over the top promises I don’t know what I will do. Like I said, I’ve already packed up my shit. 

In the end, I know I have to stick to my guns and tell him no. I don’t want to stay at that office anymore. I constantly feel as if i am some kind of joke. In addition I HATE the way the women in the office talk to me as if I am some kind of idiot. It is these things that give me absolute cause to leave. It destroys my ego and I can’t handle it any longer. Yet, by leaving I feel like I am letting down the person who has put up with all of my bull shit over the years. That breaks my heart. 

Ultimately I know he doesn’t give a shit about me. Truly. If he makes any effort to keep me on staff I know it’s because he doesn’t want to lose to my future boss. It has nothing to do with any potential he may see in me. I get the feeling he sees me as a joke just like those other bitches, which is why he hadn’t taken my desire to be a residential appraiser seriously. Which is also my own fault. I want a fresh start with someone who trusts me and sees me as a member of the team and not just a minion. 

In the end someone will be let down, with whatever decision is ultimately made. It just depends on who gets the most scorned, but I have to remember me and my own happiness and growth are the most important.