In the wake of initial shock

It’s weird how I’m handling this whole “cancer” thing. First off, without even having an affirmative diagnosis that it is the case, I am treating it as though I do. I am uncertain if that’s a coping mechanism, to prepare me for the worse, or if I just know. I say that because when I had appendicitis I KNEW and when I had pinkeye I KNEW. With those particular cases there was no doubt in my mind and they turned out to be true. However, in defense of the negative there were other times I was “sure” and they turned out to be wrong. You just never know until it happens. We can have our gut feelings but without fact they’re just assumptions. And I assume a lot. (This blog is nothing but presumption in regards to my life and experiences so… there you go.)

The one thing I am certain of is that it is going to be a VERY long month…

As I spend my time driving around for work or am left alone for any length of time the whole idea consumes me in this bubble and I begin to cry. At this point, it’s all I can do. And letting it out makes me feel a world better. What’s even weirder to me is the brave mask I wear whenever I am around people. It’s like I’m playing the role of a lifetime and I’m attempting to win an academy award.

At the base of all of this I could very well be overreacting. I could be fine. And in the end, even if I do I have cancer I’ll be alright. Chances are they’ll remove my prostate or attempt to shrink it with radiation. The only way I’ll die is if I do nothing.

From my previous post I had already chosen to do nothing, but instead I have moved onto keeping an open mind to the options. I did some research and the side effects vary and could be mild to moderate (I sound like a commercial for cialis.) The one upside is that the younger you are the easier it is to bounce back from erectile dysfunction.

My husband and I were talking the other day and he shared with me the feeling of purpose he has in life and I was proud of him. It was about giving to others. When the time for me to share my own sentiments I disappointed. I really feel like I have no purpose. I don’t really add or give anything to or for anyone. If I was gone I’d be missed but people can and will move on from the loss. I say this with no irony or angst. For me it is just a fact of life.

The only thing I have gathered from this is that if I ever want to leave a legacy with my stories I have to get on it or it will never happen. Maybe I needed this “push” to get me moving out of my lazy approach to success.

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