As usual I am consumed with rage. I don’t like it but there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening. All I can do is sit with it until it dissipates back into normalcy. Whatever that may look like.
My anger stems is fueled by my inability to control things that are happening in this world. By my very nature I am a control freak. I want to be the one who pulls the levers and as it is, I am just a tiny cog in this massive machine. And even that illustration is being to kind. I’m more of like a tiny speck of paint on the exterior of this mechanical behemoth.
Trying to accept the reality that it is 1,000% out of my control, and that this is what it is, is extremely difficult. It feels like I’m giving up and giving in. That I am turning into one of the mindless zombies who are obedient to the necromancer. And I refuse. But then I remind myself that accepting this overall reality is not giving in. It isn’t until it’s right in front of me that it will matter about my “obedience” and I’ve already decided that I won’t go quietly. Whatever that may look like.
All of this just sounds like the rambling of a mad man and at times I truly feel that I am losing myself to these obsessive thoughts. And as a way to not be swallowed whole by them, I have taken a step back from the news and social media. The constant barrage of information reminding me that I have zero control over my overall reality is exhausting, and adds more fuel to that rage. In addition the negativity I see in my own comrades about political bullshit, directed at our own side, really angers me more than the other. Because it just shows that people are petty and dumb and there really is no side that is “better” than the other.
Well, it appears that my exercise was a success. I began this blog as a way to decompress, to relieve myself of my thoughts, and I feel so much better than before. Thank, Albus, for tiny vices.