If my world wasn’t already in enough chaos, it has been decided that it is time to sell our house and move to something bigger. The husband is still able to walk at this point but it’s only a matter of time until he’s in a wheelchair. When that happens our current house just doesn’t accommodate the space requirements. It’s a single narrow hallway and hard right angles. Our living room barely allows for enough walkway with the furniture we have. I don’t think it’s going to get easier with a bulky motorized chair.

This house holds a special place in my heart. It was my and my husbands first home purchase. It was also designed to my specifications. I picked out everything. My husbands construction business paid for and did the renovations. This house is us. Letting it go is letting go of the past. And it makes sense to do it, everything is drastically different. I just don’t want to. I’m quite the sentimental bitch. But a house isn’t really us or our marriage so clinging to it is just ridiculous.

The idea of putting the house up for sale causes me so much anxiety. The preparation. The people coming to view it. The back and forth. Then the ultimate move. Every thought twists my stomach into a ball and pulls my lungs into the knot. Even as overwhelmed as I feel, I know that just taking a step back and doing one thing at a time will make it much easier. It’s just hard to do that. On my own I could (I think), but my husbands constant back and forth is what makes it difficult. One minute we need to get a new house immediately, then the next it’s just selling the house, or it’s “we could just rent.” I know that it’s just mental vomit, but I hate holding the metaphorical bucket.

The plan (as of right now) is to replace this with new construction. I want to trick out the new place and make it a smart house, so that when the hubs can’t use his hands anymore he can do things with his voice. Maybe that would give him a sense of control in a situation he has none. Plus it’s cool to turn shit on and off at your command. It’s like you’re a king. “Alexa, suckle my balls.”

I’m just overwhelmed. It’s going to throw a wrench into most plans. His mom and sister know about our situation (his and my boyfriends) but how does it work while we have to stay with his mom while our home is being constructed? Or will things get so bad that she’ll just say that we need to stay with her, so she can help care for him? I love my mother in law like my own mother, but I do not want to live with her. I don’t even want to share a home with the woman who gave me life.

That’s another reason we’re moving. My mother currently has the capacity to somewhat care for herself. But little by little her ability is diminishing. It’s only a matter of time until she has to move in with me. At least, that’s what Charlie is pushing for. I would prefer putting her into a care facility with professionals who can bathe her, feed her, and watch her. Doing those things for her would just be their job and not cause them constant emotional and mental anguish. Whenever I do them I have to spend a whole night recovering.

All of it is unknown and uncertain. I just have to remember that for most of these things “we’re not there yet.” Right now, the only task is to get the house listed. Just that is going to be a fucking endeavor. We have to paint and put in new carpet. Then we have the added burden of rearranging furniture to give the illusion that the home has space.

One step at a time.