Doubt

Somewhere along the way I began to doubt myself. My decisions, my beliefs, my wants, my desires. Anything that requires a definitive choice I always second-guess it. Is it the right one? At times it leaves me in limbo and others it keeps me from enjoying something because I spend most of my time wondering if it’s the right one.

My biggest regret in life is that I doubted my want of my husband. For a good length of our relationship I have questioned if this was the right one for me. There were times when I told my doubt to get lost, but for the most part I couldn’t believe. In this fear, I ended up doing and saying things I wish I hadn’t. It kept me from loving as much as I have found is possible. Only now have these feelings left me. And I’m ashamed.

Death makes forces you to look at your life. It makes you make snap decisions that you then have to live with. It also provides clarity. After my husband’s diagnosis any cloudy judgment vanished. I knew what was important. I knew where I needed to be. It’s just now, I have to live with the shame that comes with being so blinded by my inability to make a choice and the second-guessing.

Feeling sure about something is a myth. There is absolutely no certainty in life. You just take leaps and hope you land on your feet. Once you’re in the air there is no turning back. I wish I had understood this then.

I must let these feelings of guilt go or I risk diving into a depression and keeping myself from further enjoying the calm of my realization.

Don’t let yourself question, after the fact.

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