Narcissistic Tendency Abounds

It’s weird how at times I can speak things into existence and then other times I kill them. I had wanted to write every day for the month of December and… Well, that petered out real quick. Get high a couple nights and that consumed any want or desire to fulfill my goal.

I had intended to not say anything. In the past making such proclamations had had similar results. So, I hesitated to do it. However, the one night I forced myself to write “something” while I was shitfaced on edibles, I made the mistake of “outing” myself and thus ended my effort. (But, that could be my own self-fulfilling prophecy.)

The one thing about attempting to do such writing feats is that you need a back-up idea to write about if one is just not feeling it that particular night. Since I was practicing this technique, I have had two post rolling around in my mind to jot down. One is about the song “All Too Well” and my visceral reaction to a particular verse and the other is a post about losing an ex-boyfriend/friend abruptly to cancer. Today, I feel nostalgic and I am going to go with the second.

I dated Travis when I was on the brink of turning 18. He was 23, a piercer, punk rock, and an absolute nerd. He is one of two people I have attempted to watch the Matrix with only to end up “dickstracted.” (I have yet to watch it completely through.) I met him online, in a chat room. The same one I would then meet my husband but before I ever met Charlie, I dated Travis.

Like I said, I was really into him. He was mysterious and cool, covered in tattoos and piercings, and I thought he was dangerous and tough. That was all an illusion. He was just a scared little boy, just like me.

For a moment in my life I use to have this weird sixth sense about the men I dated. I knew within the first few days of “dating” how it would end. With Travis I saw the number 2 and that he would dump me. Two months together, to the day, he did exactly that. He did it in such a weird way. Travis didn’t speak to me all day even going as far to turn off his phone. He had broken his radio silence and called me over to his place. I got there, sat on the end of his bed and waited for the CD he had been listening to to finish and then he ended it.

I have to say, I have the utmost respect that he did it in person. He could have just done it in text, but he chose to be an adult. Only now do I feel that way. At the time I fucking hated him, yet I wanted him back. He really broke my heart. I really, really liked him.

Previously, a nasty habit I had was that I would take on characteristics and personality traits of the boys who had dumped me. After some self-reflection I know now that it was a way to make myself “more attractive” to those that had “done the deed.” It was my fucked up way of trying to win them back. It’s stupid, I know, but because of that these men would have a drastic influence on my life.

Travis was no exception. He was “punk rock” and I wanted to be too. His taste in music consumed mine. Finch, HIM, Alkaline Trio… To this day I can’t listen to Alkaline Trio without thinking of him. They’re 1,000% linked in my brain.

I thought of all the tattoos and piercings I was going to get when I turned 18. (When I did turn 18 he was the one who gave my first and only piercing. My husband took me to the shop to get it.) After our break-up I started smoking the cigarettes he did, Camel Turkish Gold. I became obsessed with drinking and getting drunk. (At that time, Travis had been a raging alcoholic and I had never once had a drop of liquor.) And the most fucked up of all, he is the reason I even met up with my now husband.

He is also the second reason I came out, again, to my mom. (Yeah, I came out twice.)

For someone who only existed in my life as a significant player for such a short time, he had the most effect.

On November 3rd, the day before my birthday, he passed. I only learned, in a roundabout way, from a friend I had made on a cruise (who bizarrely knew him too). This friend told me he reached out to his sister to discover it had been from stage 4 cancer. No one had a clue.

Travis and I didn’t really speak much these past years. I was trying to distance myself because I was still hurt by the break-up (18 fucking years later.) I still considered him a friend, like he had said he wanted when it ended. You better believe, I’m always good for a “like” on an Instagram post. God, he was so hot. Check him out @kubdumpster on twitter and instagram.

One thought on “Narcissistic Tendency Abounds

  1. Such an honest look at your past, I had some of the same tendencies when I started dating too.

    Sorry for your loss though. He may not have been good for you, but it’s still a difficult thing to go through.

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