The Soundtrack of My Life – 13 – Suds in the Bucket

Honestly, every day I thank “god” that I am gay. If I weren’t I would be in big trouble. It has become increasingly clear to me the past few months that as a gay man I choose the best male partners. They’re caring and concerned, almost to a fault, but that’s just because I am a spoiled “only child” who tends to deal with his issues solo. For my female friends I become super close with… well… they tend to be narcissistic, self-absorbed flakes who disappear at the slightest distraction.

I don’t know if it is due to the culture of women in general or if it’s just the ones I happen to hitch my wagon to. I am a notoriously bad judge of character. I trust entirely too easy. I let people in without concern because I am overly optimistic in their character. Usually I am left burned. However, more than likely it could be the latter.

I am a feminist. Hardcore. I tend to identify more-so with women than with men, however I, myself, feel like a man. (Whatever that’s supposed to feel like.) My heroes and idols are typically female (i.e. Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, Taylor Swift and J.K. Rowling – in a different life). So, I am all about breaking the patriarchy. I don’t think men are better than women, and I think “roles” are ridiculous. Whoever is the “homemaker” and whoever is the “bread winner” should be up to someone’s skill and desires not because of someone’s assigned sex. I also feel that women are held to unfair expectations that they’re only “worthy” if they are married and have kids. Anything outside of that is deemed, societally, unnecessary. It’s truly unfair. And it makes me angry.

In my limited experience, women are brainwashed to feel that they have to “stick with their man” and if they don’t they’re nothing. And the older they get the more immediate this belief becomes. I fucking hate it. It’s because of it that I have lost two of my “best” gal pals.

The first I just cut loose. She was a horrible, horrible “friend.” She was someone who loved drama and created it for herself at any turn. In addition, she was a fucking liar. That I cannot abide. I have moments where I have trouble with the truth but I will fess up if I am caught. This bitch though… Oh no. I think her biggest crime, for me, was when she lied about a trip we took together. She said she wanted to drive to the coast to see an old guy friend. As it turns out, it was a hook-up that I drove her two hours to. She dropped my ass off at a Border’s where I nearly completed a copy of “Dear John” by the time she came back. As the time wore on I began to understand more and more… I was livid. She was nonplussed and couldn’t have cared less about my anger.

Shortly after that she dumped her newborn baby off with her mom, signed away parental rights, and moved to Atascadero to be with this dude. As it turns out this idiot was the BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT. When he was done with the relationship, he didn’t even have the balls to dump her. He made up some cock and bull story about how his mom snitched to the leasing office, of their affordable housing complex, and the lease “only allowed two tenants.” So, she had to move out. He underestimated her desire to stay, though. This bitch LIVED IN HER CAR outside his complex so she didn’t have to come home.

I only now believe that her irrational behavior was most likely untreated post partem and the fact that her parents were horrible religious zealots who once believed that this girl’s baby wasn’t sleeping well because there was a demon living in the donated mattress they had received. If I hadn’t actually met her bigoted parents, I would have questioned the tales she had told me.

Once she finally realized the guy wanted nothing to do with her and her friends couldn’t handle her insane personality, she FINALLY returned home, only to shack up with some dude here almost immediately. The last time we spoke was when she asked me if I wanted to be in the “wedding party” or the “audience” to their hurried marriage. I responded with audience. Her response was terse, but that’s the answer you get when I’m given a choice. For her first marriage, when I was in the “party,” I got put into the audience because her parents wanted a “traditional wedding.” (The second wedding, which I did not attend, had an “Arabian Nights” theme. That’s certainly sure to last.)

We have not spoken since. And every day I genuinely wish I could remove her from my memory.

The second friend… That one hurts. I really loved her and she was my closest companion. I only now understand that I was tolerated. Just a space saver until someone better came along. For me, she was my “ride or die” bitch. Truly. I would have done anything for her. She, like all female friends before her, got involved with a man and I took a back seat. It happens. I accept it. I want her to be happy. This guy seemed like a good one, but as incidences have occurred since it is clear he is not.

This dude was so threatened by me, for some fucking reason, that he would start fights about me with her. We hadn’t even spoken in months. Maybe once or twice, here and there, when I reached out. She had no time for me and that’s fine. I get it. New love – blah blah blah…

One night he went through our text thread and came across a very dark joke I had made with her MOOOOOOOOOONTHS before. Back when they had first started dating. (I mean it took me literally 10 minutes to find this message because it happened so long ago.) Evidently it really pissed him off. She wrote me at 1 A.M. to tell me that I needed to drive an hour, to their apartment complex, and apologize to him in person. All I could respond with was, “WTF are you talking about? Apologize for what?” I had zero memory of this exchange. You know why? Because sometimes I say fucked up shit I don’t mean because I have a very, very dark sense of humor.

Because I know, dear reader, you’ll want to know what I had said… I will tell you. But please, please, please keep in mind I meant nothing malicious in it.

My friend was listing out the good things about him and had made a comment about him “wanting more children.” Well, his last relationship had ended (three months prior to them meeting) because he and his ex-wife (his high school sweetheart) had had a miscarriage. So, being the horrible person I am, I joked back “Well… not more kids.” It was not malicious. It was a very dark observation, but I AM IN NO WAY HAPPY HIS CHILD DIED. Are you insane? And only someone WHO DOESN’T KNOW ME would make that assumption. This mother-fucker wanted to fight me for what I had said and was angry at her for not defending him. IT WAS A JOKE! A bad one, but A JOKE. She lied to him and said she “blacked out” after what I had said because it was “so bad.” Bitch… we both know she laughed too.

Granted I shouldn’t have said it, it is pretty mean. However I had made it privately to a friend who knows I am not that kind of person.

Well, that exchange sat in this dude’s fucking craw until one night, over a year later, I get a text from an unknown number saying “I’m coming for you.”

More than anything I wanted to reply with the GIF of Regina George from “Mean Girls” saying, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” She and I hadn’t spoken in almost two years. The last time we seriously talked was when I called her up crying about Charlie’s diagnosis. That had been the day after we got it.

This time, with this text, she had “decided” to leave him. She was over the fighting.

That lasted for a day. Then she blocked me on all social media and most likely my phone number. All so she could get back together with this dude who, literally, went looking for something to fight about.

After this most recent event I am just done. If she “leaves him again” I’m just not there, nor do I care. We’ve done this song and dance too many times that my heart can’t take it. I got too much other shit going on to deal with some flake popping in and out of my life.

I chose this song because the second friend would do this tune every time we went to karaoke. When I hear it I think of her singing it in some half-empty country bar.

Then, there is the actual lyrics where this young, dumb girl, leaves her life behind to chase some stupid man. Much like all my girl friends.

I genuinely believe women are super intelligent but whenever a man comes into the picture they becomes the stupidest creatures. But… Love makes us do the dumbest, irrational things.

FUN FACT! That last line is a literal piece of dialogue spoken by a character modeled AFTER HER, in my WIP manuscript.

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