The Soundtrack of My Life – 14 – Sweet but Psycho

It is truly amazing how much sway social media has on my emotional state. As usual I was perusing Twitter, procrastinating, and each post I read is pulling me further and further into the depths of my depression. All I can see is the darkness closing in and the overwhelming sense that we are doomed as a society gets ever clearer.

I know that’s just today. It is this stream. It is just this moment. I have to remind myself of the old adage, “this too shall pass” or I will risk sinking into a depression I might not recover.

On the opposing side of the same coin, social media has brought people together in incredible ways. I am apart of this big gay online community, with friends literally across the globe. I have even gotten the opportunity to meet some of them, which is always a special treat. You never know if your “online friend” is the same in-person. They could have an entirely different personality, or they could actually just be an entirely different person altogether.

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t have met my friend Mark.

The song I chose is a recommendation he had given to me once. I was obsessed with it for an entire day because, as I like to do, I made it about me. I am most definitely sweet but psycho. No truer lyrics have been uttered more so than: “She’s poison but tasty. Yeah, people say ‘Run, don’t walk away.'”

I also find my choice funny, because sometimes I am astounded by Mark. Just because of how large of role he plays in it, even though we’ve only known each other for 4 years and have met just once. There were moments I thought he might be psycho. Sweet, but psycho. Luckily, after meeting him, I absolutely do not think that.

It just speaks to the power of the internet. I mean, this dude is literally mentioned in casual conversation in our house. We have and do (on occasion) speak of him as if he plays a real role in our day to day life. Who does that? How does that happen? This kid is literally on the opposite side of the country.

It just makes me question the notion of past lives and familiar souls.

Because of my husband’s terminal diagnosis I have been diving further and further into spiritual beliefs and what happens to us after we die. I use to believe in a heaven, as a kid. This was also tied to my Christian faith which I have since thrown away after I realized it’s all bullshit. After living through what I have and seeing what has happened to my mother, I’d rather believe there is no higher power than to think that he’s either so incompetent’s that he has no real power or he just enjoys the agony he causes. (If He is even a he at all. But only a man would cause chaos and then take no blame for it.)

So, an “after life” doesn’t really work for me.

My belief of reincarnation has grown stronger, however. There is far more support for that than a heaven. There are multiple documented cases where people can literal recount details of a former life in which they should have no knowledge of. It’s mind boggling and so neat. My favorite one is where the young boy solved his previous life’s murder.

In this journey I have also learned of the topic of “soul families” and how we reincarnate with those we have bonded with. I am someone who has never felt like I belonged where I was born. I find more comfort and familiarity with those who would be called “friends.” But that just makes me think, what did we do to be separated? if that is the case.

Maybe life is finding our spiritual family over and over again.

Mark is one of those for me. I would genuinely do anything for him. I don’t know if that speaks more of me, or him, or just the nature of our relationship.

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