Can’t be bothered

I’m supposed to do a post in my “Soundtrack of My Life” project (2 actually) but I cannot be bothered. Right now I want silence. I don’t want any music to attach itself to this memory, this time.

Life sucks. Mine seemingly moreso. I have to remind myself sometimes that I’m not the only one going through what I’m experiencing. For every one of my situations there is someone else effected.

Let’s start off with the most broad and work our way down…

First is the world. It feels like every society collectively got together and put the most incompetent and insane people in charge of running the world because “we couldn’t be bothered” to deal with it. As a result everything is falling to shit. All of the progress made has been undone because a small group of people feel they have that authority. And because they know/sense that their power is dwindling and they are willing to watch everything burn to maintain their power. It sucks that as I get further into adulthood life sucks even more. At least… the utopia we envision gets dimmer.

Next is my work life… this time of year is usually our busiest. We can barely keep up with the demand for appraisals. And I’m lucky if I even get 1 bud request. And even then it’s usually some bullshit assignment outside of my usual market. So if it’s slow now… what the fuck is it going to look like in winter? Good thing my mother is dying and I’m getting my inheritance. Figures that any kind of gains I get will be wasted on just surviving this bullshit. Fuck the middle class, right America? and here I know those effected are everyone in the real estate market. So I’m not alone but… damn.

Next is dealing with the impending loss of my husband and my mother. Here the pool is smaller. But once again, I’m not alone in it.

My mother is more immediate. I imagine she will pass at some point in the next few days. She lost the ability to swallow over a week ago. And while it has returned at random points in that time period, it has been gone for the most part. Luckily she has been medicated for most of this time. I envy her. I wish I could sleep through this and wake up with the news that it has all happened. But even then… the voice in my head says, then what is the point of living? Life is the good and the bad. It just sucks watching my mom go. However I’m glad she’s not present for it.

My husband is losing more of his ability to do things every week. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like for him to rely on myself and tony to do anything. He can’t eat, drink, relieve, move, or dress himself without one of us there. That would be maddening for me. Yet he has the most optimistic attitude about it. He is truly a saint.

In the end I am selfish about all of this. I can only focus on how it effects me. But I MUST remind myself that the universe and all it’s events don’t revolve around my experience of them.

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