I never truly understood the concept of “fight or flight” until recently. And when I say that, I mean within the last two weeks. Prior to two therapy sessions ago, my comprehension of the saying was: either “fought for their life” or “ran away to survive” in life threatening situations; like being held up at gun point or rape. It never occurred to me that these moments could occur at any time. It’s a trauma response.

The last few months I have been at home. It began at first as a way to cope with the panic and anxiety I had that my husband was starting hospice care. Since then I have not left the house. For the most part, I stay at home and care for my spouse.

At the start of October I returned to work doing miscellaneous jobs from home, only leaving for (at most) 2 hours to do an inspection. It started off fine, but it has since become a sort of prison. I can’t escape when I want and I can’t do what I want because I have my husband who needs me. The worst thing that could happen is for something permanent to occur while I’m gone.

It is here where the “psychological response” became vividly clear.

My tendency is to run away from situations. I’ve done it since I was a kid. If I was feeling uncomfortable I would just escape to my room, go on a walk or just drive for hours with no destination. Now that I cannot do that because of circumstances and my own unwillingness to leave for fear of what may happen… I have become angry. I fight, but not in the way one would expect. I don’t pick fights verbally or otherwise. No. I just get cold, quiet, passive aggressive or redirect it into something unrelated. It’s the way I alleviate the feeling.

Lately I have started to “fight” with my husband. I try, as quick as I can, to remind myself of the reality, how I really feel. Most of the time it works. Sometimes… it takes a little bit. I will bring up long since dead fights, grievances or misdeeds to justify my rage. Essentially I’m picking a fight. Fortunately it’s just with the shadows of the past, in my own head. The guilt I feel after these response moments is so heavy.

I have yet (and universe willing) have done so only in my head. I know, without a shred of doubt, I would forever hate myself if I were to ever let my thoughts leave the safety of my mind.

There is no conclusion or real resolution I can impart. Just wanted to share this clarity in the hopes of helping someone else. Maybe another reader has yet to get the basic principle. The one that sounds so simple, but lacks any specifics to its deeper meaning. Well, it’s an oversimplification for me at least.