I am thoroughly depressed and I am trying to find a way to write it in the most eloquent way possible. The unfortunate fact is there is no one way to put my feelings when they’re this disjointed and unrelated. Well… related just individual thoughts that exist in a train with no connection.

My job is basically dead. For me at least. My boss hasn’t felt the need to offer me any assignments to “keep me afloat.” As a result, I’m overcome with panic attempting to decipher if he is attempting to get me to leave without firing me so I can’t claim unemployment. The position I am in, I’m technically an independent contractor. So he doesn’t need to do anything. Except take 60% of whatever I bill which as of right now is… nothing. It doesn’t hurt his pocket at all. He is still getting jobs. So… what does he care?

With the way the world is I’m wondering if I need to just fuck right off. If I have to start at ground zero with a new job why not get the fuck out of this goddamn dumpster fire and find something else abroad?

Immediately thinking that I am overcome with guilt of leaving my brother and family behind. He won’t go with me. He would stay here. And I could just say “that’s his choice” but… I’m not that kind of person. This is why I hate getting involved with anyone or anything. I rather be alone. I have the type of personality that I tend to make friends wherever I go. It’s genuinely uncanny.

I guess… since I have to start over after the death of my husband that also includes employment. Awesome. I didn’t know that this was genuinely a restart, on difficult mode no less.

I don’t know what to do. I wish more than anything I could talk to my husband for 10 minutes to ask his advice. I am so terribly lost and lack any purpose. And the state of the world has suck out the dregs of whatever ambition I had left.