It’s so wonderful being alive for the end of the United States. Genuinely. It’s been quite the treat. I always was curious how Germany could go from a republic into a fascist regime that killed people… yet here we are! It was for the price of eggs! Even after he has said the most horrific shit, ON TAPE, people still chose the felon over the prosecutor. Heard ya America. Heard. Ya.

My original plan was to immediately list the house for sale and get the fuck out of here. But my brother has killed that because I cannot leave the people I love behind. I know charlie would want me to take care of him so… I’m bound by some ridiculous sense of duty. Fuck!

I genuinely cannot wait for him to implement everything they want. That’s not sarcasm. I want them to make everyone’s lives fucking miserable. I cannot wait for it. It’s going to be fucking epic. And if they get to a point where they criminalize me or put me in a camp… I am very prepared to die. That isn’t hyperbole. Last night I thought about taking an entire bottle of pills but stopped myself for a few reasons. One being that I would not want to traumatize my brother. It’s just not in me to lay that level of emotional burden on someone else. The other being that I know my husband would be angry with me if I did. He explicitly told me he wanted me to keep living. Have a wonderful life. And in doing so I would be breaking his only request.

So here I am, accepting the things I cannot change and willing the courage in me to change the things I can. I don’t know what tomorrow will look like but I am enthusiastic that it will be something that will hurt everyone. And I get to sit there with my mock shock and go “who could have predicted this?” Or my favorite: “Schucks. That sucks. Bummer.”

Everything that will transpire will not touch me. Everything detailed in project 2025 doesn’t affect me. So let it all fucking burn. Take away the epa, the department of education, take away every bit of women’s rights. Do it all. And if I wind up dead… just know I accepted my death with open arms. Once again I get to be with my husband, wherever that may be. And I will truly be at peace.

My heart is aching this morning and I don’t know why. I’ve described it on twitter as having “big feelings” as if I was a child throwing a tantrum. As ridiculous as it sounds I feel like one. I want to throw myself on the ground and scream and cry, flail my limbs for maximum exposure. The only reason I can conclude is that I’m just so confused from where these emotions flow. More than likely, it’s probably grief but there is something else mixed in there. A hint of aged barrel…

The only person I can think of to talk to, to work out these feelings, is my husband and that doesn’t seem likely. Unless I bought myself a Ouija board and was able to get in to contact with him specifically. In my experiences with one it’s always a spiritual “Russian Roulette.” You get who you get, y’know? And I’m not really in the mood to potentially scare up my mother. Even in death I’d prefer not to speak to her. Even if she’s regained her “thoughts.”

If I work backwards, I started to panic when I was overthinking about weekly Star Wars Unlimited league play. The “regulars” haven’t shown up the last few weekends since the time I wore my “Harris/Walz” hat to a game. Now I’m paranoid that I offended them or scared them off with my “liberal agenda.” (The one that runs through every Star Wars film, but whatever. Semantics.) This is a good example of why I’m only partially antagonistic. I genuinely don’t like making people feel uncomfortable, even if I think they deserve it because of their shitty opinions. Another fantastic example was when I was homophobia’ed at work and I apologized to him! To my own detriment, I’m unfortunately accommodating because I would want that in return. The lesson “treat others how you want to be treated” sunk in a little too deep for me. I cannot unlearn it even though I want to be the most petty person on the planet.

I told Josh and he said that I’m probably reading way too much into their “disappearance.” Which, to his credit, is something Charlie would have said. He also would have laughed at me. Because how dare I think the world revolves around me? And it is true, I do think that. Not in the sense that I am the center of attention. Oh no. It is based in the belief that wherever I may roam, I cause havoc and chaos in my wake. It’s silly but in the few instances where I was correct on my “hunch” has only fed this paranoia.

I took a little break and visited with my sorta-kinda-cousin one more time before she heads home to North Carolina. Since then I have felt better. I cannot even remember what it was I was bothered by. Which is weird because it was truly all consuming. My brain is such a hoot.

If someone were to ask me, “Is Polyamory weird?” I would say, without hesitation, yes. It is weird. Our entire society is shown examples of what a “healthy” relationship is in monogamy. The mechanisms of which have been drilled deep into our minds that we have no idea it has tainted the perceptions of how a relationship could and can function. Which is fine… It just limits possibility.

When my husband and I first opened up our marriage it wasn’t because I wanted to date people. On the contrary. I am someone who can easily separate the “carnal” from the emotional. It’s very, very easy to do. My husband on the other hand did not find it as simple. In any manner of speaking. It is the primary factor why I wanted us to have an open marriage.

The only way he would agree to it was if I “dated” other people. His logic was that “dating” would “slow me down” and he wouldn’t feel compelled to “keep up” as if it is some kind of race.

I didn’t want that. At all. If I date someone emotions ABSOLUTELY come into play. I’m getting to know someone, I’m sharing my life when they share theirs. We have intimate dinners where we discuss our hopes for the future. There is no way to avoid romantic entanglements. But, having that was better than what we had been doing. Which was just cheating and lying to each other.

As one would expect from dating other people, Josh came into my orbit and has not left. Nor do I want him to. Ever. It’s just that… I am someone that can’t casually date. If I consider someone worthy of my attention and I bring them into my life, they’re there unless they forcibly remove themselves. (Or, if there is something we just can’t talk through.) I don’t know why Charlie (my husband) wasn’t aware of this. He is the result of this very behavior.

I didn’t like the idea of dating because if I shared anything on social media my friends and family would assume I was trying to replace my husband with someone new. I didn’t want that. Because that was never my intention. (Ugh this topic makes me so mad.) Most people can’t grasp the nuance of polyamory or that every relationship is very different. They only see 1+1=2. The end. No other questions. This meeting is over.

I am almost certain that that is how my in-laws viewed it.

Now, they have been incredible. Truly. I have not been treated any different, nor have they treated Josh or Tony any other way than kind. They’re truly accepting. But… there is always implicit bias. The kind we don’t even know we’re doing as it is occurring.

The other day my mother-in-law and I were chatting on the phone and she said something off-hand that I know she genuinely meant nothing by it. She was being sincere and kind, but it was hurtful. She told me to write a story about Charlie’s and my experience with ALS and how everything weirdly fell into place. “And you loved each other like brothers,” was what she had said during her suggestion. In the moment I was thunderstruck… But I didn’t have the energy or the time to explain how polyamory or “love” works.

That’s the bane of living an “alternative” lifestyle. We’re forever having to acquiesce to other people’s perceptions. At least the ones like me who avoid confrontational conversations at all costs.

For me it all boils down to: is that what she thinks I felt for him? One might argue that that just shows that you cared for each other. Yes. But brotherly love is different than romantic love. For instance, I love Tony (my husband’s boyfriend) like a brother. I love my husband like a lover. There are two very distinctions between the two. At least in a logical sense. They carry different emotional weight.

Anyway… none of it matters in the end. I know my truth and it is such, regardless of how someone else perceives it. I just wish charlie was alive so I could say “See! I was right!”