I can’t let a New Year arrive and not do my usual post… I’m almost certain I’ve done one every Jan 1st since I started my first ever blog on Xanga. Granted, I am a little late by doing it on the 2nd. I was otherwise preoccupied yesterday as I was adhering to the restrictions of the “Cline – Hensley Christmas Truce of 2005.” I am proud to say that peace has been maintained for another year.

Before I go any further I must warn you that this is going to be sad. I don’t mean it to be. Nor am I trying to garner sympathy. I am just sharing my experiences within the wake of loss and grief. Just know I am fine. I am powering through. There is no hint or whiff of self-harm anywhere in my body. Were you to have metaphysical powers to examine me, all you would find is the comfort and acceptance I have for my own mortality. So, fear not dear reader!

There was an urge to write this last night before the day passed, but I couldn’t be bothered. At home all I have is my phone and, if I am feeling the energy to do so, I can lug my huge laptop into the living room where I balance it on my sweaty thighs to do my writing. Neither of those really spoke to me. Therefore I decided to wait until I was sitting in the office at my PC to quickly write this out. (I’m on commission. It’s fine.) And here it is:

I have no hope for this year. None. I do not think that it will be bad, which it most likely will, but I also do not think it will be good. I think we’re all going to collectively have another parade of lessons we better be prepared for, which I am certain no one is. If Covid taught me anything it is that society has an unhealthy amount of willful ignorance and stubbornness.

As I look into the stretch of another year spinning through the Milky Way, I lack any ambition or drive to complete anything. Most people have “Travel more” or “be more kind.” On the other hand, I just want to exist. I see no sense in trying to set up some ambitious goal I will most likely break. No grand pronouncement on some digital platform is going to force me into adhering to it. The fact of the matter is, I don’t care. I don’t see any hope or joy on the horizon, even when there is very much “joy” within sight.

I have a bunch of fun vacations planned throughout the year, but they pale in comparison to the fact that my job is only getting worse. Whether unintentionally or by design is yet to be seen. I’ve given my “boss” a year deadline and if Trump doesn’t magically turn the world into a wealth making machine “for everyone” then I’m fucked. So, in short, I’m fucked.

Do not despair, dear reader. I am not giving up without putting in the last bits of gusto I have left. I promised my husband I would complete my education to achieve the next step in my career. He had wanted me to do this while he was still alive, however caring for him at his whims and doing the courses would have genuinely driven me insane. I told him I was going to put a pin in that, but I promised, promised him that I would complete it once he was gone. It’s been over six months and I have at least purchased the required courses. They sit, unopened in my on-line school “library.” All I have to do is, well, do them. Once those are completed I take the required proctored exams for each one, apply to the state office, (if approved) take the ultimate exam for licensing and then pay the fee. So. No need to get overwhelmed. One thing at a time…

Some would say this is a New Year’s resolution but it isn’t. It’s baggage from a previous engagement. Again I am not in control of my own choices. I am bound to promises from long ago. Which is fine, not a complaint. More just another example that our lives don’t seem to belong to us, but rather to outside forces that tear at us from opposing sides.

I enter 2025 with no hope or promise, just apathy. I am an empty vessel. This may turn out to be a good thing. It leaves me at the ready for new experiences and opportunities. Ultimately this current state of existence protects me from the stress and anguish that is absolutely coming.

For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me because I never really “missed” someone. Not in the sense that their absence caused me pain. I would miss things I once did or situations but people was not one of them. This feeling was made worse because the moment my husband would leave me he would text and ask “miss me?” I didn’t. I never missed him. I rationalized it that I knew he was coming back. Once he returned I would be just as content as if he wasn’t with me.

Some time in the past couple years I learned that this is a trait of ADHD. We don’t miss people like neurotypical people.

I say all that to say that I miss my husband. Immensely. It’s not an obvious thought it’s more in the little things, like when all I want to do is to talk to him.

I know that at this point I’m just a broken record. I will make the same complaints now that I will in a few months because this missing piece is just not coming back. I will try to replace it but nothing can or will ever replace the giant hole he left in my life. He was a huge presence.

With the holidays I feel this more and more. I’m stressing about money like I never have before, and all that does is make me think of my husband. I was the irresponsible one who spent like it was going out of style, but here I am taking up the mantle.

Today I am just filled with irritable rage. Everything and everyone infuriates me. Even being alone makes me angry. Nothing can appease the emotions bubbling inside my chest.