April 14, 2025

This past Saturday marked one year since Charlie passed away. I finally got the chance to read the letter he had written for me. Of everything there the only thing that was new, or stood out, was when he used my nickname for him as the salutation. That was where I broke down.

Everything else in it were sentiments he and I had spoken to each other over the many years together. The one thing that made our broken relationship work was that we were never afraid to wade into difficult topics. We never shied away from the truth.

It is nice to have them in writing though. Sometimes my mind likes to lie to me and say that he never forgave me. Which, in itself is silly. We spent 20 years together. Someone who hasn’t forgiven you typically doesn’t dedicate even more time.

The day of, I spent with the family. We went to the zoo and just talked about him and his unforgettable personality. He really was one of a kind. I could really use his knowledge and point of view now. He knew what I needed to hear, when I needed it most. And if that didn’t work, he would always intervene.

This past year has been nothing but loss. Shortly after the husband passed, we lost our dog Jack. Then this week we put down our pup Lucy. She had cancer in her nasal cavity. It had gotten to the point that she couldn’t breathe through her nose. Fun fact… dog’s can’t breathe through their mouths when they sleep. At least, she couldn’t.

Then this morning, thinking of my aunt, I sent her a message to ask about her and her kids. The text went acid green, instead of blue. More than likely, she probably blocked me. Which… whatever. She might as well be someone else I’ve lost too.

Unburdened by the past leaves even more possibilities for the future.

April 7, 2025

Life is Loss

I struggle to find where to begin this post. I am filled with so much anxiety and sadness that it’s difficult to string my emotions into words without sounding like an infant. “I hurt” is all I can think. We are 5 days away from the first anniversary of Charlie’s passing, and as we march toward this benchmark our pup Lucy is not doing well.

A few weeks back she had a crazy sneezing fit that began a continual nose bleed. Took her to her main vet, they did a CT scan and she has cancer in the left nasal cavity. It is massive. At that time a small tag was hanging at the back-end of the passage and into her throat. This past Friday evening it appears to have gotten bigger and is now causing her to “snore.” It has been eating away at me since then and has only grown since. Tony seems to be in blissful denial that it’s not hurting her but I’ve never seen her have “issues” with starting to fall asleep. Usually she just… goes to sleep. Whether we are there or not. I’m almost certain she can’t because dogs don’t naturally breathe through their mouths, especially asleep. It’s always through their nose, unless they’re overheated and then it’s mouth open to cool off.

She genuinely does way better after a walk. I think the exercise gets her breathing heavier and raises her temperature to off-set the handicap. But once she’s rested so begins the snoring and the constant “pacing.”

Tonight I have to have a chat with Tony that we need to get her immediately into surgery (if it’s in my budget) or we need to say good-bye so she can be at peace. I keep thinking of how I would feel with my nose nearly impossible to use, and whatever hanging piece is attempting to block air.

The fact that this is happening the same week as this anniversary is quite the coincidence. It’s like he’s coming back just to get his puppy to take her to the next life. He tried to go without her but he just had to complete the set.

March 27, 2025

Universes Collide

One of the things my husband (Charlie) was right about is that I never really think things through. I have a hard time placing myself into hypothetical scenarios unless I have been there before. That is, unless they’re the “camp” kind, if you get my drift. Even then I’m always way off base in one direction or the other.

The last year it has been unspoken knowledge that “after a year of Charlie being gone” the BF (Josh) would move into the house. All during this time I was completely unphased. My primary focus has been “once this is done I can relax” or “I can stop living ‘split’ lives.” So far, it has remained the same, however with today being THE DAY I am beginning to panic.

The only other person I have ever lived with, besides my husband, was my brother (Tony.) (And parents of course, but I ‘moved in with them’ so they had to make the adjustments.) I keep trying to think about why Tony moving in with Charlie and I never stuck out to me. It could be that when he “moved in” was shortly after my husband was diagnosed. At the time I was more distracted by the fact that he was dying to put focus on other little things that bothered me. On top of that, we were moving from one house to another because the one we had previously occupied would have in NO WAY accommodated his impending wheel chair. So as Tony moved in we were also moving in to an entirely new place.

All-in-all Tony came in with no issues. Well… that’s not completely true. I was bothered by his furniture pieces decorating our new house. I didn’t like them, at the time, because I’m a snob. I blame my husband. He was too. (We really were made for each other.)

The BF moving in is an entirely new experience for me. In the past it was me moving in with my husband from my parents’ house. I never had someone entering my space before. There was no “established” living conditions to throw into disarray with a new entity.

In my “panic” I have discovered some really odd quirks I previously had not invested my focus. For instance, my really overbearing “smell” issues.

I have a thing about odd smells. I will hunt them down like a blood hound (which my husband accused me of multiple times because how I would literally sniff them out) until they are found and eradicated. So having an entirely new human moving in with their own natural scents is really fueling my panic. Not only does he have his own natural aroma, his clothes have one, and then his cats. I love his babies as if they were mine (I mean… they are) but I will not abide my house smelling like a cat. I will do whatever it takes to make sure it does not stink. For whatever reason, I have deemed the stereotypical “cat smell” to be “low class” and “repulsive.”

On top of that… yesterday when I was helping box his stuff up, I used his clothes to act as cushions for the breakable possessions. That’s when I got a whiff of them. That night I asked him, insulting him in the process, if he would mind if we wash all of his clothes when he gets here. I also said I would help with the effort because I understood it was a bizarre and an overwhelming task. (Like I said… I have a thing about scents.)

Underneath all that, since I’m sure this is “masking” my insecurity of the whole episode, I am upset about the shift in dynamics. It was exacerbated by my brother when I got home and he was crying. He had spent the whole day moving his stuff out of the master into his room. Like me, he doesn’t like change and I feel guilty by causing him this discomfort. (Jesus, I am easily manipulated. I hate it.) It is a lot.

I keep thinking of things to do for my brother to make it easier for him or lessen the stress of all of this. Completely ignoring the fact that this is also a huge change for my BF too. He is literally condensing his entire life into mine. That takes an enormous amount of trust in me and our relationship to do. And I am scared that I will fuck it up with my eccentricities.

This morning, before I went to work, I warned Josh that I am going to be weird about the “smells” thing and to not take it personally. I am just weird. There is no other way to explain it. It’s me. I’m the drama. I know that for me to find a balance I have to be the captain of this “crazy ship.” The responsibility to seek solutions and put no further stress on everyone else rests entirely on me.

March 25, 2025

Whirlwind

This past Friday was my BF’s and my 7th anniversary dating. In typical “Josh” fashion I wanted to write a post waxing poetic of how we met or how wonderful he is but… I can’t. It has nothing to do with him or our relationship. It is absolutely me. All of it springs from guilt. I feel such shame in celebrating when it hasn’t even been a year since my husband passed. I feel like I’m diminishing his absence by celebrating what is here. Which is silly because things are going to happen regardless. And at what point is it okay to do so?

All of this is hard enough without polyamory, but add it into the mix and it is so chaotic. For me, at least. I want to honor his memory but not ignore that which exists in my life right now. The bf has and does invest so much into our relationship. I’m doing him a disservice by not acknowledging and celebrating that which he has contributed. Plus, it just feels cruel.

All of this is further exasperated because he will be moving in this Wednesday. It honestly is the logical next step in a 7 year relationship but… it just feels weird placing someone in the space that was occupied by my husband. As if I’m inferring that he is that replaceable or that Josh is anything like him.

Plus it doesn’t really help when my brother doesn’t like him. (Which is official by the way, he told him to his face at a mandatory conversation.)

It feels as if I am so filled with contradictory thoughts that I cannot bring them together to form a coherent one. So, I hope this was relatively coherent.