February 1, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 4 – Sit Next to Me

This is one of those songs that the moment I hear it, the energy around me vibrates to life and morphs itself into almost the identical one I felt when this song was released. This was the first track that graced a playlist I began to compile of tunes that I became irrationally obsessed with. It also accompanied the most drastic shift of my life and encapsulates that period beautifully.

I don’t know where you’ve been if you haven’t heard this song. Up until a year ago this little diddy was still heavily filling the airwaves of my local radio station. If it is a new one for you I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. To this day, I have a little dance I do whenever it comes on.

This came out about the same time I caught my husband on Grindr.

I find that statement hilarious because what was I doing on there? I was doing the same thing he was, trying to cheat. We were supposed to be monogamous but that wasn’t really going according to plan.

He was on his way to Palm Springs to visit his dad and had uploaded a picture to his profile. The moment I saw it my heart dropped. I couldn’t believe he would be so bold, but he wasn’t going to be in town so who would know?

I favorited his account and watched it the entire time he was gone. He was on there for hours, well into the night.

We both share our cell locations, because we’re co-dependent like that, and I would keep checking to see if he ever left his dad’s place. He never did.

When he got back I confronted him about his account. He sat in frustrated silence. I told him that he needed to choose from three options: either we break-up and cut our losses, we see a therapist to resolve our issues, or we open up our marriage. Aggravated he looked me in the eye and said none of them. Which, if you think about it, is still a choice. It just wasn’t a productive one. He didn’t want an open relationship. He was “too possessive.” And he didn’t believe in therapy because the moment a couple goes they might as well just get divorced and save the money.

So, like all the times before, we swept it all under the rug and didn’t broach it again. That is until after we had separated for a week.

My husband is so bougie that he went to stay at a swanky hotel. I still had his account starred and obsessively watched him try to hook-up the entire time. Then after a couple days, when I didn’t welcome him back as he had expected, he went to stay with a friend. There he got even more angry. I was at a loss because I wanted to fix things, but he didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to keep doing whatever the fuck we we had been. And all that did was hurt us over and over again.

It was during this time that I found out he had been secretly seeing some dude. I was mad because he was lying to me. And if I had asked if there were any secrets he would deny there being any. It drove me insane.

St. Patrick’s Day, he thought I was going to ask for a divorce. I told him, are you insane? I confronted him about this guy and he finally came clean. It was then that we opened up our relationship. We became “poly.” He had his guy and I had mine.

The ultimate moment of this time and what makes this song a favorite was the night we spent out at a bar in Palm Springs. We’re both feeling good (on our preferred cocktail: vodka and red bull) and he finally decides, on the outdoor patio of Hunter’s, to come clean about everything. He told me about all of the infidelities he had kept secret through these years.

The relief I felt was incredible. Finally! I wasn’t the horrible one. I wasn’t this huge monster who continuously cheated on this honest man who took me back time and time again. We were equal.

The next morning I told him I forgave him and didn’t care what had happened. I was just glad there were no more secrets.

When you listen to the song, it tells the tale of two people who get together after the death of another relationship. It’s strange to me that it makes me think of a really horrible time with fondness. I think because the ultimate outcome brought about a new life for our marriage. Because of the honesty and the agreement to open things up we have a little polycule that I don’t know what I would do without.

January 22, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 3 – All Too Well

I will do my best to limit the amount of Taylor Swift songs that end up in this year long project, but I can’t make any promises. I love the bitch and her songs resonate with me on so many levels. My husband likes to joke that I am a 14 year old girl. (Although she’s in her 30’s now, so that no longer applies.) However incorrect the statement, it’s true. Gay men are notoriously immature and tend to romanticize any interaction with a person they find attractive. It’s just how it is.

I chose this song because of my visceral reaction to one particular part of the song. Ever since I first heard it, when I got to/get to this portion I immediately began/begin to cry. Every time. Without fail. It didn’t really occur to me until the re-release of Red (Taylor’s Version) that I react this way because of one specific memory. One in which still is very vivid in my mind no matter how much time passes.

Well, maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
‘Til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all

They say all’s well that ends well, but I’m in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you

There is no doubt that when I got into a relationship with my husband I was not emotionally, mentally, or mature enough for one. I had just got out of a bad break-up and I was so young. I had just come out… I wasn’t looking for anything serious. He was. That’s where we got lost in translation.

Instead of verbalizing any of this, I was unwilling to let go of a person I knew loved me, who (at the time) I was not emotionally vulnerable enough to return his affection. I kept him for selfish reasons. The thought of losing another boyfriend was too much for me, so I became secretive. I was a liar and a cheat. I snuck around on him and justified it in my mind by saying I needed it or somehow deserved it. No one deserves that.

Everything began to unravel when he went through my cell phone and started reading my texts. He saw messages with this dude who I said was my friend Mike but was in fact an entirely different one. These explicit messages began to sow seeds of doubt. I explained it all away that we were just flirting but it was nothing more. He accepted that because he said he would sometimes do that with guys on AOL.

That’s when he read my e-mails.

Rookie mistake when cheating is not clearing out your trash can. That’s where he found the messages proving my infidelity.

He was enraged. But the kind tied to emotional pain. He kept asking me how I could do this and I had no answers. At this point I was caught. I owned up to it and he told me to get out of his house. He never wanted to see me again.

I was dumbstruck the entire drive home. I didn’t know what to say or think.

What should have happened was he should never have spoken to me again. It is the only way I would have learned my lesson. And I’m sure in some alternate reality he never did call me up, however this is not that timeline. When I answered his call he said simply, “Get back here,” and hung up.

I sat there wondering whether I should. What was going to happen?

I couldn’t imagine a life without him and so I went.

When I got there, he had devised “the plan.” I either agreed to these rules or we just were going to separate. Before he even told me what they were I had accepted. I knew I had fucked up and there was nothing more I wanted to do than to fix it.

Even though we got to a better place, the night was far from over. He banished me to our bedroom while he drank. He couldn’t look at me that night, and I don’t blame him. I had betrayed him. The hurt I caused… I have never seen anything like it. I truly destroyed him and I hated/hate myself for it.

There is one moment that haunts me. I was in our bedroom, the lights on, staring at the ceiling and I begin to hear his footsteps thundering through the house as he storms down the hallway. The heel of his palm hits the bedroom door and it flies open. He was drunk, tears streaming down his cheeks, and has a flurry of new questions. I sit up and try to defuse the situation that had quickly escalated. Fear courses through my veins like ice. I’m almost certain he’s going to make me leave again. I just knew it.

But he didn’t ask me to leave. And we worked through this event.

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson and didn’t cheat again. But that would be a lie. I was genuinely the worst person to him. I regret every horrible moment to this very day and wish I could take it all back, but what’s done is done.

These moments you must not forget. You must keep them fresh and learn from them. Study them. At least, I do. I pick each moment apart, trying to decipher why did all of this occur. What was the purpose of all of this? Why?

Am I just a horrible selfish person? Yes, I am. I have been. But knowing this I can be more conscious of the choices I make, the things I am willing to accept. It comes with experience. I was much too young. I knew nothing of myself or what I wanted. I didn’t deal with the grief that lived inside of me. I instead chose sex and liquor to try and heal the wounds.

This isn’t a good memory, but it’s one I can’t let myself forget. It humbles me because I know that I am the wrong in all of this. I was the problem.

The verse above is an abbreviated conversation between me and my husband. The bold words are his and the others are mine.

January 17, 2022

Midnight ramblings

It really sucks that none of my family have the same political beliefs as me. Not one. They’re all “rah-rah America”/“blue lives matter” assholes. I’ve only ever felt like I do not belong in my family and this only makes it worse. I’ve said it time and time again, but here is one more: when my mother dies I’m going to not have anything to do with my family. We don’t talk. We don’t do anything. They don’t invite me to anything. There is no reason for my presence to exist in any of their spaces.

I just feel so alone. I really wish my parents had had more than just one fucking kid. I could have someone to help me with all of this bullshit, instead of it AAAAAAAAALL resting on my shoulders. And what makes it worse is I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. And what do I do when I have absolutely zero desire? I procrastinate.

Then to add insult to injury every fucking time I try to knock something off my list, every task is then preceded by all this other fucking bullshit. Every goddamn time. I just want to scream.

The one person I would or could rely on to help me is dying and can’t do shit. And instead of helping I have to help him. I just don’t know what to do. That‘a a lie. I know what I have to do. I have to do all of this shit. Alone. It’s just when will it get done.

January 14, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 2 – Plans

I couldn’t begin this year long musical journey without starting first with this album. I am someone who has too many favorites, which defeats the purpose of the title “favorite,” but in this specific case it is true. Of all the albums in my collection this is the one I can listen to on repeat for hours and no matter where I’m at with my thoughts and feelings, this is always appropriate.

The first time I heard of Death Cab for Cutie was from my husband. He had heard their name on a Sirius radio show one night while working. He immediately thought to himself that they sounded like someone I would love. This was during my “emo” phase, when I deliberately did obscure things to seem “cool” and “niche.”

At first, I was hesitant because I wasn’t big on discovering new music. I had my then favorites, and there wasn’t any room for anything more at the time.

My husband bought this album and I reluctantly listened to it but from the first song I was in love.

This album, much like it’s collection of songs, represents a time of transition for me. It was that unstable time where my husband and I were still working on our relationship, after he had discovered I had been cheating. We were trying to make it work. We would have good moments but sometimes they were just sad. It’s just the natural ebb and flow of trust-building.

I was also moving from my “punk rock” wannabe phase into my more contemporary mellow, coffee house vibe.

The one thing it does bring to my mind is my time working at Border’s bookstore. It felt like I worked there for years but in reality, it was only a few months. I did not gel well with the store manager. She was the worst version of a businesswoman. The kind who thinks you have to act like the worst part of men to get ahead. She was genuinely horrible and was the main catalyst for me seeking employment at an office job. If it were not for her being such a tyrant, I wouldn’t have gotten the job that put me on the road to where I am now.

Apart from her, Border’s was such a chill experience. I unboxed product and got to shelve books. My favorite section was always metaphysical. I would peruse the pages held there more than any other.

At the time I worked in inventory, I would play “Plans” in the warehouse and on my breaks. One of my shift managers was this total hipster, who was rail thin and had hair akin to a young Justin Bieber. He was in a band, and without him telling you about it every second, could tell immediately. This dude loved Death Cab too and we would talk about them whenever we were in the other’s orbit. It was our only common thread of communication. One time, he made this off-hand comment that has stuck with me since. He said that the album was like a novel, and you couldn’t skip over a song or risk losing a part of the story. It was so “profound” to me at the time, but even to this day I couldn’t agree more. I think of that line each time I listen to it.

One of my more vivid memories from that time was when I was returning from my break. The audiobooks were next to the CD section on the way to the back warehouse. As I made my way there, I saw a married couple perusing the selection. She was this frail blonde woman, standing next to and caring for her husband in a wheelchair. The sight of them sent a twinge of sadness in my heart, and when I got to the back I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She was giving up her life to basically care for her wheelchair bound husband. “What kind of life is that?” I thought to myself. I knew I couldn’t do that.

It’s amazing what experience provides for perspective. I know now she did it because she loved him. Love is the most powerful force. It drives you to do things you never thought you could. Like, caring exclusively for another person. In hindsight, I find this whole miniscule moment strange. How could I remember that so vividly? It was almost as if I was foreshadowing my life.

If you have no interest in listening to the album, may I suggest three songs. For whatever reason, they mean the most to me. The first being “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” (my husband’s ringtone btw), “What Sarah Said,” and “Brothers on a Hotel Bed.”

There is a single line in “What Sarah Said” that makes me breakdown every time I hear it. And try as I may, I cannot stop the flood of tears. So, if even those three are too much, listen to that one. You’ll know what line it is when you hear it. Trust me.