Today my phone actually connected to my car without me having to take any extra steps. It turned on my ipod and put all my entire library on shuffle. For the most part the songs were skippable with clips of stand-up comedy sprinkled in between. But when this song came on I stopped and started to ugly cry.

My husband loved Chris Stapleton in the last few years of his life. When his newest album at the time came out, he sent me this song as a “message” from him to me. It was the best way he could express his emotions because he was not someone who could say what he felt. Instead, he did it through songs. Which is why, when he would forget the songs he “dedicated” to me it broke my heart a little. I know he meant nothing by it, it was just his bad memory. Plus, I have a tendency to remember the most innocuous bullshit.

I like to pretend that this isn’t just some random happenstance, but that its my husband speaking to me from the beyond. Most who have lost someone do this. It’s so hard to let go to the people who were so impactful on your existence. Even when you had 4 years to get used to the idea.

After the election I could really, really use my husband’s voice to talk me through it and let me know that everything will be okay. I wish I could snuggle up next to him, rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. He’d put an arm around my back and hook it onto my shoulder. He wasn’t one for physical intimacy, so I had to grab it when and where I could.

His heart was so loud in my ear. I liked to think it was because he had a larger than normal one, in the cutesy way and not in the “this is a medical condition” kind. It would be slightly tarnished because after he passed, that was how I knew he was gone. I placed my ear to his chest and I couldn’t hear it anymore. He was gone. He had left after I began to panic that he was in pain and rushed to the kitchen, with Tony, to get the medication to keep him relaxed.

I was so worried during the first Trump disaster than gay marriage would be repealed and I would lose our marriage. Luckily it didn’t happen. Instead he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and he was physically taken from me. Maybe having our marriage nullified would have been better… But he would have been diagnosed regardless. So I guess I should take the “win.”

It’s weird, how this song absolutely applies to me now. I’m entering into my 40th year of life. And there isn’t any pot of gold. Just a lake of shit and death.

The night of the election I genuinely thought about taking an entire bottle of pills. It was quickly dismissed by two things. One, was the promise I made to my husband before he died. He wanted me to keep living and have lots of adventures. With my word given… I would be more devastated by breaking it than dying. Two, I won’t give these fuckers the satisfaction. I’d rather stick around and annoy them. Kick them in the nuts if I get the chance. Maybe punch a couple of the nazis if I get the chance.

Only time will tell.

I just wish I had my best friend with me. The “Josh Whisperer.” He knew what to say and do to soothe the unruly beast that lives within my thoughts.