For some reason I value friendships with more value than family. I think it’s because that friends choose to be in your life whereas family is stuck with you whether they like you or not. It could also be because I’ve never felt as though I belonged in my family. Although I’m beginning to think everyone feels that way, or at least in my family. We’re just a herd of black sheep.

One of my biggest problems growing up is when I make friends I want them to get to know my other friends so we can all be one big groups of companions. What inevitably ends up happening is that these two friends will find themselves way more compatible without me there and they end up doing things without me. It’s happened countless times over my life and it makes me overly cautious. Yet even still I introduce my friends and the same thing occurs. I just never learn.

My husband thinks that how I’m reacting to the current friends doing the same is somehow proof that I care more about them than him, and it’s just not the case. And I wish there was a way I could convey that, but even when I explain my reasoning it doesn’t sink in.

What’s amazing is I found someone with just as little self esteem as myself. And one would think that would mean I would immediately know how to tread these waters, but I don’t.

In the end all I can think is that these friends will do what all the others have done. I guess my husband is right, I expect entirely too much from people. I need to lower the bar to a point where maybe rainwater can get in. Otherwise the only person’s opinion that matters is my husbands. I don’t want him to get hurt…

I get so wrapped up in my own emotions that I forget that another person requires love and affection. God, I’m so selfish sometimes.