I have always had this delusional thought that my anti-depressants somehow inhibit any and all of my creativity. Because of these “hunches” or “fears” I have been on and off of my meds over the past 12 years. In the last year I had just come to conclusion that I need to be on them. There is just no escaping that reality. Without them I’m unpredictable and I tend to do “bad things” in a roundabout way of making myself happy. Since that time I haven’t written anything. I hardly ever blog. The moment I begin to write it peters out and I don’t finish. I hadn’t noticed this fact until the other day when I met up with an old friend.
My buddy tony and I spend months without speaking. After a long time of radio silence he or I will shoot off a text for a lunch meet up. We get together and bull shit about story ideas or pitch each other our film ambitions. This last get together, when we exchanged our Christmas gifts, he mentioned that since he’s started taking Lexapro (one of my old meds) he hadn’t be able to write. The ideas just don’t come as easily as they used to. At the time I had resigned to my permanent requirement of medication to stable out my moods. I even told him that he just needed to push through the fog to the other side.
Since then I’ve been thinking and realized how can the two of us have the same thought. I have never voiced my concerns about the anti-depressants. So how is it that he would think and say the same thing?
At a certain point we have to trust our gut feeling. I know that in this situation it’s playing with fire, but I do miss the free flowing of creativity that had once poured from me. Now it’s just a trickle. If even that much.
Another part of me (maybe the rational side) thinks this is crazy talk. I sound like a schizophrenic who says that the doctor is trying to poison him. Or the manic bipolar that likes the rapid mood swings. But mine isn’t really that. It’s more of a state of mind. I feel like a drone. There’s nothing unique about me when I take them.
Regardless I’m going to slowly step off of them. I want to start taking notes and seeing how I feel. Maybe my prior personal diagnosis was true and I just can’t be without them. Perhaps the medication is a permanent staple in my life.