I am about to write the most “first world problems” post of my life, and I want you all to hunker down and prepare yourself to get dizzy from all the eye-rolling you’re about to do.  Maybe take some Dramamine.

Okay?

Ready?

Sometimes it really sucks to be a nice, “attractive” guy. I use quotes because I think I am mildly pleasant looking, and I in no way think I’m that good-looking. I’m just going off of the instances when people tell me I’m “hot” and then immediately inform me that they want to “bed” me. (That last one is not a direct quote but more of a stand-in for the proper word.)

I say this because in the past few months I have met new people who have (almost immediately after our outing together) contacted me, privately, to inform me of their feelings. And this is after meeting and engaging with me with either my husband or my boyfriend. Evidently I exude this sense of “hey say whatever the fuck you want to me” that I don’t intend to do.

Of the instances that I have been accosted by gentlemen, I have only told the boyfriend. He won’t react the same way as the husband who will spin it into something else, primarily because he has been through this shit time and time again. (He also internalizes it and makes it about him and how “no one wants” him, etc.)

After these moments it becomes crystal clear to me why traditionally attractive people become assholes. The barrage of people who must hit them up is a lot (if even I just get a few) must get exhausting. I try to be polite to their advances but inevitably I am an asshole for being up-front. (They appear to take it that I find them unattractive or undesirable because of their looks or age. Nah, girl. It’s just that I am twice taken.) I never asked them to hit on me. Nor did I make it seem that I was flirting with them, at least I, in no way, intended to. I am not exaggerating when I say these people, who have tried to hit on me, got to know me with my significant other. Maybe it’s just the “polyamorous” aspect in which these people get the impression that I’m up for a fucking third… I don’t know. I just wish it would kind of end. I’m not looking for another and, in the end, how shitty would I be if I ended up cheating on TWO GUYS. And would you really want to be someone who was willing to cheat on two guys? Sometimes men don’t think about the long-term. (I understand, I am just as guilty here…)

The lesson I am learning is to be cold and aloof, and that goes against my usual way of being. (Don’t get me wrong, I can be an asshole it’s just not as frequent.) I’m always ready to make friends, (bizarrely I love people and find them interesting) but from my experience it makes situations complicated because the single (and from the most recent, married) guys will think I’m flirting or coming onto them. Sorry, dudes. I am twice taken. We’re all stocked up on significant lovers here in Josh land. So peddle that penis somewhere else.