I’m filled to the brim with anxiety. And there is nothing I can do about it. Talking sometimes helps but in this particular situation I feel like conversation about it would only make things worse or even (perhaps) jinx it.

It occurred to me as I was driving, trying not to vomit from the swirling weight of the unknown in my gut, that this is why people believe in a higher power. They want to believe that an all powerful entity is out there looking out for them, protecting them.

I wish I could. I still have lingering residual faith. I find myself calling out to god for help, but after all the things I’ve experienced in just these past two years I have zero faith. And I know the answer to that is, life is struggle and it’s all part of “gods plan” but his plan sucks.

Please keep me and my husband in your thoughts these next couple months. Send all the good vibes your can, pray if you wish. I need all the positive energy to make sure things work out. And I realize that how they work out is how it was meant to be but… I’m hoping what is “destined” to happen doesnt make things worse.

I apologize for being vague. Like I said, I don’t want to jinx anything.