Leveling Out

It’s been a little over a week since I started taking Lexapro again. For the most part it has been relatively uneventful. Some mild side-effects here and there, but nothing too serious that I need to stop. There was a brief moment, when I went to visit my mother, where I genuinely had the thought of just ending all of it.

I walk in to see my mother sitting on the side of her bed. Her blue eyes are ruminating over a pair of fuzzy socks (that aren’t hers) with a print of red hearts. She looks up at me and her eyes light up for a second when she realizes it’s me.

“I was just getting ready to go to you house,” she tells me, even though she could not have had any inkling that I was coming.

“Oh yeah?” I reply, with a sappy sweet tone reserved for children and the elderly.

Her expression darkens and she says, “I don’t want to be here. I want to leave.”

That’s when I feel my emotions plunge into a dark, deep, and cool pool of water. I just couldn’t handle life anymore. I wanted this to be done.

Doing the responsible thing I immediately told both my husband and my boyfriend of my feelings. Maybe then there was some accountability and they could keep an eye on me. Although, I will say, I don’t think I could ever do it when someone was home.

After that visit with my mom, I finally understood why most often people drop their family members into a home and never visit. It’s because they don’t want to have to relive the trauma of having to say, “No, you can’t go home.” It happens every visit.

I got a little concerned with my immediate wave of depression at my visit… but when I sat down and unpacked it I knew that it wasn’t a real desire. It was momentary. A passing thought due to the overwhelming nature of my mother. My husband told me to message the doctor immediately about my thoughts (while taking the meds) but I didn’t. I don’t want to be a bother. And most likely, it was just the meds trying to balance out. Everything will be fine.

I have been feeling better today. Hopefully the medication is working and I can find a little bit of peace in all of this.

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