Aspiring Novelist

January 27, 2026

Silence is Complicity

Every day I reach new levels of rage within me I never thought were possible. Watching the countless angles of Alex Pretti and Renee Goode’s murders, are what I refer to as my “9/11 moment.” If you’re confused by that statement, I am referring to the wave of enlistments that followed that day. So many of my own friends joined to fight against “terrorism” after watching people suffer unnecessary and undeserved violence at the hands of extremists. If there was an opposition to the modern day gestapo I would join in a heartbeat. I will not allow innocent Americans to be murdered because some asshole white supremacists think that brown people don’t belong in “their country.”

Then our “government” gets on television and outright LIES to us about who was murdered. I cannot abide liars and grifters and every single person in this government is precisely that. They are there to fulfill their own selfish desires. Especially the wannabe dictator. He is causing all of this chaos because he refuses to let the truth of his heinous crimes come to light from the proof within the Epstein Files.

If you’re one of the ignorant few who think he is innocent, then why the fuck would an innocent man not release the information to prove that very claim? Instead he has refused a COURT ORDER to release them. He is outright ignoring the very government he swore to protect. To uphold. And then the MAGAt pieces of shit get out there and demand law and order, I guess that only applies to people who don’t look and sound just like them.

Then on top of all of that, I have family members supporting this fucking pedophile. I don’t understand how I could come from a christian family that can abide this. This is against everything I was ever fucking taught. But racism and elitism runs deep.

For so long I ignored how they treated my own father who they felt was “beneath them.” He came from poverty. From a horrific childhood that could have been avoided if he had been adopted by a family who would have loved him. However my selfish, self-centered “grandmother” wouldn’t give up one of her meal tickets.

And that doesn’t speak to the brokenness of our system, but rather the broken person. And to outright call for the end of government aid because of “one bad person” is equivalent to me calling for the destruction of all Republicans because of the man who regularly shits himself on live television.

If you know someone who does not, AT THE VERY FUCKING LEAST, speak out against the execution, the MURDERS of Alex Pretti and Renee Goode they are complicit in the destruction of our democracy. We are watching our leaders allow these masked nazi’s into our communities to terrorize them. To destroy them. That is not America. At least not the one I was SOLD my entire life that was a melting pot, a place where we welcome all no matter their past. If that never even existed, I will be damned if I do not make it a reality. I want the America I was “sold.” We DESERVE that country.

December 23, 2025

Christmas “cheer”

Christmas is just a day away and I have less than zero spirit in me. I couldn’t even be bothered to decorate. I did do some but it all looks like shit, when you really examine the placement or motif. In the end it was Tony who did most, if not all, of the work. He was pulling double duty trying to bring “wonder for the season” while we both have none.

The more distance I leave between the death of my husband and the present, the more my heart aches for him and the life we once had. Every day I grow increasingly sad by his absence. I never realized how much of him was me. Or how our life together wasn’t perfect but it was ours. Now I just feel like a foreigner in a strange land.

Navigating all of the Christmas events without him or the new ones with a slight twist, just make my heart ache more than the moment before.

The other day I went to the boyfriends company holiday party and during it they played a song that once I left to drive home, I downloaded and had it on repeat the whole way. Every mile driven was soaked in tears. I could not stop myself from crying. It was ugly and visceral. The kind that if I were to ever see someone doing in real life or film I would immediately think they were faking it. It was that dramatic.

As the embarrassment of my actions shrouded over me, I looked around the car and asked myself “if you’re faking, who is this for?” No one was watching. No one even knew I was crying. It was just me. Well, me and the mental manifestation I have of my husband sitting in the passenger seat.

I would look insane if someone were to look at me through car windows. I turn and speak to him as if he’s there. Sometimes I hear a response in my head and other times I can see him making a face at me. All of it not real. In my head.

Grief is wild.

So much of my life exists only in my head. I sit and ponder everything, backward and forward in time. Then I hit the junctions where my thoughts skew into random topics of which I will dedicate entirely too much time ruminating. It’s a habit that has become too prevalent, that hours will pass by and I will find myself back in my family room as if no time has passed. It’s the nearest experience I will ever get to going to Narnia.

These mental adventures are, if not more, perilous than the imagined ones. Some times I wonder if this is how people go “insane.” They start traveling the narrow passages of their thoughts and wind up trapped in their own head.

Anyway… Merry Christmas. It is a trite sentiment but it never feels more tangible than when you’ve lost the ones you love: treasure the moments you have with them. They will one day be gone.

November 11, 2025

Who Am I?

It has come to my attention that I don’t know who I am anymore. Currently I feel like an amalgamation of all these different personalities, compounded into a chubby insecure body. One where every cell is filled with dread and paranoia. I don’t know who to trust or where to turn.

For the first time in my life I feel utterly vulnerable.

I imagine that is what caused my panic of “having a heart attack,” or what I told the E.R. was “heart issues.” I couldn’t bring myself to be THAT melodramatic and claim something “worse.” “No one ever walks calmly into the hospital having a heart attack.” A claim that maintained it’s sentiment. As it turned out, I am healthy-healthy. The doctor in the E.R. told me it was acid reflux and left it at that, giving me a new list of “don’t haves” before releasing me back into the human wild.

Today I return to my aimless wandering. Filled to the brim with insecurity. My thoughts all about how I have wronged everyone and that no one cares about me, even though that is untrue.

I keep looking back on this weekend and I worry I offended Papa Bill by not buying his and his partners ice creams. I had had intention to do so, but then the clerk ignored me and instead helped the hetero family that cut in line.

Okay. Cool. I wasn’t waiting longer than them. That’s fine.

In a knee jerk reaction I refused to give the store any of my business and left in a huff. Leaving my Papa Bill’s partner to pay for their own. It didn’t occur to me, until the drive home, that I was rude in not paying. They had paid for our breakfast.

As a result I am overcome with dread and I am once again spiraling.

On top of that I don’t know where I stand with Tony. He literally ignored my birthday and I don’t know if that’s one of his “sending a signal” things or if there is something else at play. Try as I might to muster up the courage to ask, I cannot. My biggest fear is having it confirmed. That would send me further into a tailspin. Tony is the one last link I have to my husband.

Another thought realized from this Palm Springs “weekend,” is that I really, really, REALLY miss my husband. His absence has left a giant hole in my life that I am unable to ignore any longer. He was the one who was sociable. The man could strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. He was the one to pull me out of my insecurity and make me personable.

It’s the silence that makes it so much more obvious. The visit and the entire ride to and from revealed that. Try as I might to help cover the gap, I could not get out of my own thoughts to fill it with something. Making his absence even worse where all I wanted to do was crumble into microscopic particles.

He was what brought out the best in me. Without him I sulk in silence, trapped in my head by my negative thoughts. And try as I might to escape them and return to normal I cannot.

It just feels like I am spiraling out of control. I want to isolate myself to find some kind of peace, but there is no way to do that. “Taking a break” from ‘life’ is not an option. Which means I am left with, “how do I find stability while free falling in a spin?”

Someone who knew who they are could, but who even am I? What am I to anyone? I’m not a son. I’m not a husband. I’m not an employee. I’m not even sane.

November 4, 2025

Another Tuesday

And just like that, I’m 40. It’s official. Despite all the other times throughout this past year where I kept thinking “I’m 40” when in fact I was not. I don’t quite understand it. It was almost as though I was excited about hitting a new decade, like a kid at Christmas time. Which is quite the 180 from when I turned 30. At that time I thought I was above the stereotypical “I’m dead” mentality. Plot twist, I was in fact not. I was just ignoring that sense of doom like I do with any and all of my emotions.

If looking back on 22 years with my husband has taught me anything it is that I do not recognize my own feelings. I don’t know if that was a conscious choice on my part or of it was a learned behavior. Regardless of the reason, one simple fact remains: I don’t know how I feel as I’m feeling it. It’s not until I am alone with my thoughts that I finally have found enough peace for them to come roaring to the forefront. Then I breakdown. Well, most of the time. Ninety percent of the time I do something entirely different.

My go to behavior whenever I’m feeling emotions is that I cover them with something: food, sex, buying crap. There are no ends to what I will do to avoid “being human.” And that is what has gotten me in trouble over these last few years. I did all of these self destructive behaviors in an effort to suppress whatever I did not want to face. Evidently it was a lot.

As an adult I am slowly unpacking my feelings. I can finally recognize when I am upset or bothered by something. I may not know what it is yet, but I will try and figure it out. Sometimes I do, and other times it’s a complete and utter fucking mystery. Those are the times that make me angry, and that I feel with un-tethered abandon.

So, today I will do nothing. I will celebrate nothing. There is no point when the family you had known up until now is gone. I just want this day to pass as if it never happened. It was just a regular Tuesday. It just so happens that I have been present for 40 of them.