Aspiring Novelist

November 11, 2025

Who Am I?

It has come to my attention that I don’t know who I am anymore. Currently I feel like an amalgamation of all these different personalities, compounded into a chubby insecure body. One where every cell is filled with dread and paranoia. I don’t know who to trust or where to turn.

For the first time in my life I feel utterly vulnerable.

I imagine that is what caused my panic of “having a heart attack,” or what I told the E.R. was “heart issues.” I couldn’t bring myself to be THAT melodramatic and claim something “worse.” “No one ever walks calmly into the hospital having a heart attack.” A claim that maintained it’s sentiment. As it turned out, I am healthy-healthy. The doctor in the E.R. told me it was acid reflux and left it at that, giving me a new list of “don’t haves” before releasing me back into the human wild.

Today I return to my aimless wandering. Filled to the brim with insecurity. My thoughts all about how I have wronged everyone and that no one cares about me, even though that is untrue.

I keep looking back on this weekend and I worry I offended Papa Bill by not buying his and his partners ice creams. I had had intention to do so, but then the clerk ignored me and instead helped the hetero family that cut in line.

Okay. Cool. I wasn’t waiting longer than them. That’s fine.

In a knee jerk reaction I refused to give the store any of my business and left in a huff. Leaving my Papa Bill’s partner to pay for their own. It didn’t occur to me, until the drive home, that I was rude in not paying. They had paid for our breakfast.

As a result I am overcome with dread and I am once again spiraling.

On top of that I don’t know where I stand with Tony. He literally ignored my birthday and I don’t know if that’s one of his “sending a signal” things or if there is something else at play. Try as I might to muster up the courage to ask, I cannot. My biggest fear is having it confirmed. That would send me further into a tailspin. Tony is the one last link I have to my husband.

Another thought realized from this Palm Springs “weekend,” is that I really, really, REALLY miss my husband. His absence has left a giant hole in my life that I am unable to ignore any longer. He was the one who was sociable. The man could strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. He was the one to pull me out of my insecurity and make me personable.

It’s the silence that makes it so much more obvious. The visit and the entire ride to and from revealed that. Try as I might to help cover the gap, I could not get out of my own thoughts to fill it with something. Making his absence even worse where all I wanted to do was crumble into microscopic particles.

He was what brought out the best in me. Without him I sulk in silence, trapped in my head by my negative thoughts. And try as I might to escape them and return to normal I cannot.

It just feels like I am spiraling out of control. I want to isolate myself to find some kind of peace, but there is no way to do that. “Taking a break” from ‘life’ is not an option. Which means I am left with, “how do I find stability while free falling in a spin?”

Someone who knew who they are could, but who even am I? What am I to anyone? I’m not a son. I’m not a husband. I’m not an employee. I’m not even sane.

November 4, 2025

Another Tuesday

And just like that, I’m 40. It’s official. Despite all the other times throughout this past year where I kept thinking “I’m 40” when in fact I was not. I don’t quite understand it. It was almost as though I was excited about hitting a new decade, like a kid at Christmas time. Which is quite the 180 from when I turned 30. At that time I thought I was above the stereotypical “I’m dead” mentality. Plot twist, I was in fact not. I was just ignoring that sense of doom like I do with any and all of my emotions.

If looking back on 22 years with my husband has taught me anything it is that I do not recognize my own feelings. I don’t know if that was a conscious choice on my part or of it was a learned behavior. Regardless of the reason, one simple fact remains: I don’t know how I feel as I’m feeling it. It’s not until I am alone with my thoughts that I finally have found enough peace for them to come roaring to the forefront. Then I breakdown. Well, most of the time. Ninety percent of the time I do something entirely different.

My go to behavior whenever I’m feeling emotions is that I cover them with something: food, sex, buying crap. There are no ends to what I will do to avoid “being human.” And that is what has gotten me in trouble over these last few years. I did all of these self destructive behaviors in an effort to suppress whatever I did not want to face. Evidently it was a lot.

As an adult I am slowly unpacking my feelings. I can finally recognize when I am upset or bothered by something. I may not know what it is yet, but I will try and figure it out. Sometimes I do, and other times it’s a complete and utter fucking mystery. Those are the times that make me angry, and that I feel with un-tethered abandon.

So, today I will do nothing. I will celebrate nothing. There is no point when the family you had known up until now is gone. I just want this day to pass as if it never happened. It was just a regular Tuesday. It just so happens that I have been present for 40 of them.

August 6, 2025

Being your own boss sucks

I hate my life right now. Starting my own business has done nothing so far but fill me, to the brim, with anxiety and panic.

The last two mornings I woke early, my stomach acid churning like magma, as my thoughts were consumed with the fear that I’ve somehow been blacklisted in my industry.

I thought this would be an easy transition. I already had established clients who sent me work regularly. What happened to them? Did my sudden and abrupt change to my own business set off some alarm bells? Am I a pariah? Did they only use me because of my boss’s experience?

Back when I was still optimistic and hopeful of this endeavor I viewed my departure from my prior firm to be as simple as taking a freeway off-ramp toward a new destination: my own business. Initially my transition was relatively smooth. I got three jobs in my first week. I was elated. Since then… nothing. (Granted it’s been only 2.5 weeks.)

Now, my mind is whirling with whether this is just market based or if it’s me. (I am always the reason shitty things happen to me.) And at this point in time, there is no way of telling. It’s all speculative. The only reason I’m entertaining the notion that it’s just the way things are right now, is due to my friend making an off-hand comment at lunch the other day. He is someone who is absolutely not in my line of work and for him to say something so telling gives me some hope.

It still doesn’t help me get assignments.

When I did a quick google to find out how I can get more I’m met with the number one way, networking.

I am not a social creature if I’m forced to be. I can be charming and engaging when I need to but I hate doing it. It’s fake. And there is nothing I detest more than inauthentic people. That’s including myself. Plus, having innocuous conversations with strangers in the “hope” that they might use me in the future is agonizing, and quite frankly delusional. I’d rather just not do this at all. But I know that if I throw away the last 20 years of my fucking life because I’m panicked I’ll be mad at myself.

So I’m trying to focus on getting extra education. Maybe a brainy guy with the credentials will turn some heads. Let’s just hope I can afford to do this.

July 9, 2025

Fuck. My. Life.

I want to write more than I want to breathe, but my thoughts are so chaotic right now I don’t even know where to begin. It just goes to show me, once fucking again, that life can change in a single insignificant moment.

This past Monday, my boss waited until the end of the day to let me and my only other co-worker know that he is shuttering his business. He has tried to make things work but with his health issues he couldn’t keep trying anymore. Where he did (no judgement in that statement by the way) is by finding a job for himself. Last Christmas he ran into an acquaintance that dropped this opportunity in his lap. He and his wife debated whether they should. They have built up this business over the last ten years and they didn’t want to just “give up.” When he started having severe health issues they took it as a sign and kept going down this new road.

Granted, they had already started his application/interview process before the health issues arose. So severe were they that he had to have open heart surgery to fix 3 issues and, after a 13 hour surgery, he flat lined in the recovery room. Luckily they were able to bring him back.

This choice for him and his family is significantly better. He has two kids, one going off to college, and they’re both moving into the part of life where they are taking care of their aging parents. (Luckily, mine are all dead!) I’m glad he could get something that would lighten the stress of running a business. Having to constantly worry about making enough money for your employees and yourself sounds like hell to me.

I saw how difficult it was from my husband. He owned his own company and when he finally shuttered his, because the work did the same thing it’s done here, he was distraught. He felt like a failure and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. At least my hubby and boss both tried. It’s just the lack of opportunity and the fucking red tape that keep people from excelling. For El jefe it sure as shit was work flow though. He networks with the best of them.

That said… I am without a job.

That just means that the only thing left to take from me is my health. But if we’re going with the Job parable, it’ll probably be my house before that. I don’t have any kids, so they won’t be crushed when it ultimately collapses in on itself. At least I have that silver lining.

Even with the anxiety and the panic of this I could easily change my perspective. Yes, it is terrible, the menstrual “cherry” on the fucking top of my shit sundae. Y’know, the one the good lord has been cooking up for me these past 6 fucking years.

However, before me lies a plethora of choices. Three off the top of my head are: find a totally new line of work, start my own business and keep going, or take the fucking hint and move the HELL out of Nazi Germany with it’s American facade. While I would love to get the fuuuuuuuuuuck out of here, I feel like that would open up way more complications. So I’ve opted to start my own business and keep going. With any luck I’ll be picked up by ICE once they’ve made homosexuals illegal. (It’s coming. Don’t you fret. All outlined in Project 2025.)

Starting my own business is so overwhelming. I have a good idea where and how to start but… The real problem is going to be finding work. Now I can bid shit at a competitive price and maybe get the jobs. At least get SOME money versus no money. My boss was determined to charge Covid prices. Honey… not in Trump’s economy. They rather low ball you and then never pay you at all. lol (Oh, fuck… now I have to chase down my own unpaid fees. Ugg.)

That’s my life. I for one can’t wait to see what disease, famine, or torture is sprinkled on top of the sundae. Maybe I’ll just die? Nah… not enough suffering for god. He likes to watch you wallow in misery before he takes your life. It’s the only way he can cum.