Aspiring Novelist

April 7, 2025

Life is Loss

I struggle to find where to begin this post. I am filled with so much anxiety and sadness that it’s difficult to string my emotions into words without sounding like an infant. “I hurt” is all I can think. We are 5 days away from the first anniversary of Charlie’s passing, and as we march toward this benchmark our pup Lucy is not doing well.

A few weeks back she had a crazy sneezing fit that began a continual nose bleed. Took her to her main vet, they did a CT scan and she has cancer in the left nasal cavity. It is massive. At that time a small tag was hanging at the back-end of the passage and into her throat. This past Friday evening it appears to have gotten bigger and is now causing her to “snore.” It has been eating away at me since then and has only grown since. Tony seems to be in blissful denial that it’s not hurting her but I’ve never seen her have “issues” with starting to fall asleep. Usually she just… goes to sleep. Whether we are there or not. I’m almost certain she can’t because dogs don’t naturally breathe through their mouths, especially asleep. It’s always through their nose, unless they’re overheated and then it’s mouth open to cool off.

She genuinely does way better after a walk. I think the exercise gets her breathing heavier and raises her temperature to off-set the handicap. But once she’s rested so begins the snoring and the constant “pacing.”

Tonight I have to have a chat with Tony that we need to get her immediately into surgery (if it’s in my budget) or we need to say good-bye so she can be at peace. I keep thinking of how I would feel with my nose nearly impossible to use, and whatever hanging piece is attempting to block air.

The fact that this is happening the same week as this anniversary is quite the coincidence. It’s like he’s coming back just to get his puppy to take her to the next life. He tried to go without her but he just had to complete the set.

March 25, 2025

Whirlwind

This past Friday was my BF’s and my 7th anniversary dating. In typical “Josh” fashion I wanted to write a post waxing poetic of how we met or how wonderful he is but… I can’t. It has nothing to do with him or our relationship. It is absolutely me. All of it springs from guilt. I feel such shame in celebrating when it hasn’t even been a year since my husband passed. I feel like I’m diminishing his absence by celebrating what is here. Which is silly because things are going to happen regardless. And at what point is it okay to do so?

All of this is hard enough without polyamory, but add it into the mix and it is so chaotic. For me, at least. I want to honor his memory but not ignore that which exists in my life right now. The bf has and does invest so much into our relationship. I’m doing him a disservice by not acknowledging and celebrating that which he has contributed. Plus, it just feels cruel.

All of this is further exasperated because he will be moving in this Wednesday. It honestly is the logical next step in a 7 year relationship but… it just feels weird placing someone in the space that was occupied by my husband. As if I’m inferring that he is that replaceable or that Josh is anything like him.

Plus it doesn’t really help when my brother doesn’t like him. (Which is official by the way, he told him to his face at a mandatory conversation.)

It feels as if I am so filled with contradictory thoughts that I cannot bring them together to form a coherent one. So, I hope this was relatively coherent.

March 12, 2025

These Things Four to Save My “Soul”

Last night… I did something unexpected and hopeful. I made a list of goals for myself. They’re temporary but they are 4 things that I wanted to do to give my life purpose. Which, as of late, has had none. When I look around at the world, burning around me, I find it increasingly difficult to make long-term plans. Whose to say that I will even bring them to fruition. I say that without a trace of irony and nothing but fearful sincerity.

My hope is that this list will give me something to focus on, other than the chaos. Which I have discovered is all-consuming. I had an intent to not look at social media while I was at work, however after having scrolled for a good 30 mins it occurred to me that I had already failed. This realization came entirely too late because I was already locked in the clutches of “panic.”

Yesterday I likened my obsessive scrolling to being trapped on a highway congested from a brutal, fatal car crash. You can’t look away as you slowly creep by, but you just have to know.

A secondary wish for this list is that it will cease the descent into cruelty. I find myself becoming increasingly apathetic to the pain of other people. In fact, I relish it. That makes me no better than those causing the harm. I don’t want to be that person. It is absolutely not who I am. However it’s difficult to not feel that way. They hurt me by putting him there, so I want them to hurt too. Most of what is happening is harming the people who allowed this to happen at all. They used their vote to spit in the face of “pussy liberal cucks” as some protest vote. Or as my mother loved to say, “cut off their nose to spite their face.”

I hesitate to admit it but I find, what most of the internet is referring to FAFO (fuck around and find out), joyous. Elated even. It brings me immense joy that I should not feel towards my fellow countrymen. Ultimately I am responding similarly to how they took the opportunity to vote this asshole into office, to spite their “enemies.”

What these people fail to realize is that we’re all in this boat together. So drilling holes in it to hurt the ones you don’t like will absolutely end up hurting you. Yet, I have heard that the reason they drilled the holes in the first place is because they felt betrayed to begin with. Which basically circles back to the one irrefutable truth: we have failed to listen and understand. We have failed at having basic human empathy.

Or maybe I am just too much of a “Pollyanna.”

To avoid the destruction of my soul, I will focus on these things:

  1. Finish my professional education.
  2. Learn to speak Spanish.
  3. Become more competitive in Lorcana TCG.
  4. Lose weight.

These are genuinely silly ambitions. Yet I see them as ways to soothe the roiling magma within me. With any luck, these will lead me to a place for myself in whatever unpredictable future lies ahead of all of us.

February 18, 2025

Blue Tuesday

I am thoroughly depressed and I am trying to find a way to write it in the most eloquent way possible. The unfortunate fact is there is no one way to put my feelings when they’re this disjointed and unrelated. Well… related just individual thoughts that exist in a train with no connection.

My job is basically dead. For me at least. My boss hasn’t felt the need to offer me any assignments to “keep me afloat.” As a result, I’m overcome with panic attempting to decipher if he is attempting to get me to leave without firing me so I can’t claim unemployment. The position I am in, I’m technically an independent contractor. So he doesn’t need to do anything. Except take 60% of whatever I bill which as of right now is… nothing. It doesn’t hurt his pocket at all. He is still getting jobs. So… what does he care?

With the way the world is I’m wondering if I need to just fuck right off. If I have to start at ground zero with a new job why not get the fuck out of this goddamn dumpster fire and find something else abroad?

Immediately thinking that I am overcome with guilt of leaving my brother and family behind. He won’t go with me. He would stay here. And I could just say “that’s his choice” but… I’m not that kind of person. This is why I hate getting involved with anyone or anything. I rather be alone. I have the type of personality that I tend to make friends wherever I go. It’s genuinely uncanny.

I guess… since I have to start over after the death of my husband that also includes employment. Awesome. I didn’t know that this was genuinely a restart, on difficult mode no less.

I don’t know what to do. I wish more than anything I could talk to my husband for 10 minutes to ask his advice. I am so terribly lost and lack any purpose. And the state of the world has suck out the dregs of whatever ambition I had left.