Just a little bit crazy

March 17, 2022

My Bouquet of Balloons

It’s amazing how little I don’t know about my own emotions/feelings. It’s as if I hide all of them in these pretty little balloons to trick myself that they’re not there. But the strings are tied tight to my wrist.

Then when something with mildly jagged edges brushes against them they burst. They burst and I’m showered in my feelings and thin bits of rubber.

I explode. No longer can I pretend that those feelings weren’t there.

I want to know if that’s a me thing, or an everyone thing.

Today I was meant to meet a property owner to do an inspection. I called him at 9:05 to see if he was still coming. No answer. Already I could see the writing on the wall. (It’s funny how this same pattern happens specifically with multiple units.) I sat in my car, waiting, building up my rage by ranting to myself about this revision request I had received the other day. (They didn’t like the value I came up with for their rent comparables.)

At 9:25, five minutes before the end of our scheduled time, I tried him again. He answered and gave me this cock and bull story that his secretary was sick so he had to take her home… It was ridiculous. This idiot forgot about the appointment and was putting it on some other B.S. He informed me that the tenants knew I was coming and to just do it.

They tenants didn’t answer. Per usual.

I drove away ranting and raving, furious about this situation. (I loathe appraising multiple units.) My voice obviously carrying outside of the confines of my car because people down the street were literally looking at me. (I am naturally a loud person.)

It wasn’t until I had made it to the office that my real feelings sat on my shoulders. I could feel them pulling me down and now I’m just sad.

I hate the phrase, “you’re going through a lot.” It’s right up there with, “I’m sorry.” Every time I hear it I either roll my eyes, grit my teeth, or visibly cringe. I don’t want to hear it. Mainly because I don’t want to face it. My life is absolute misery. Everywhere I turn my life is literally falling down around me and I’m trying so hard to keep everything up, but no matter what I do these things are going to fall. These balloons are going to pop.

I need healthy ways to cope, but at the same time I’m worried what all of this grief is going to do to my brain. Yet on the flip side, one I refuse to view, is what is this denial going to do to my neural pathways? Everything in our life determines who and what we become. Even the tiniest of choices and reactions.

I want to just hide away today. I’m glad the tenants didn’t answer. I just don’t want to deal.

And to top all of this off… It’s made me a week behind with my year long writing goal.

September 1, 2021

Just focus on the: “I have no plan.”

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I keep having to re-learn the same lesson over and over again. Social media is a blight on society. For me especially so, because I get to see what and how my family thinks. And what I have learned is that they are fucking idiots.

I have a nurse cousin who is now an anti-vaxxer. Like… You work in a field that uses science every day to save lives. How can you sit there and tell me that you shouldn’t get a vaccine? Why are you even a nurse? Do you like caring for people who could have avoided their trip to the ER (where you fucking work) by just getting a shot? That’s it. Nope. Instead she’s pushing the idea of choice. Well, people make stupid choices. Clearly.

Upon seeing her post I wanted to write out some long drawn out bullshit in response but I chose to not do that. I don’t need to alienate even more of my family. I’ve come pretty close with my newly found niece. She’s given me way more chances than I probably deserve with how militant I am about getting vaccinated.

Instead of directly responding to the said post, I wrote a passive aggressive one that would have been on my own personal page. I typed it out to say: “If I do get covid, I fully intend to not wear a mask. Nor will I socially distant in any capacity. I will continue going about my life as if nothing is wrong. Because, y’know, my body, my choice.”

However, as I hovered over the “submit” button I paused and realized that niece… And the chances. While it is something I do feel, it’s not very becoming. I then look like the monster because people lack the intelligence and comprehension to understand I am making a point.

So, instead, I am back to “socially distancing” from my idiotic family.

I am just so over the world. It is filled with the stupidest people, and after seeing that post I truly lost all hope. Like I am officially done living. I’m exhausted. I have nothing left in me to give.

The thing that drives me the most crazy is how to get people to care about something or to stop listening to bullshit. These are intelligent people and they allow the “fear” of the unknown to keep them from taking something that could and will save their life. Everyone’s life. Yeah, children don’t die of covid, but the people who care for them CAN AND DO. Do you really want to run the risk of your children being orphans because wearing a mask gives them anxiety?

I just want to scream.

If I didn’t have my husband to look after I genuinely would end it all. Everything is hopeless. Life is hopeless. We’re careening toward a world I legitimately want no part of. In the end it would be better of without me. Because, as it is, I offer nothing of substance. I am insignificant.

ANYWAY! Just letting off some steam by sharing the “crazy.” Keep in mind, I have no plan or intention to take my life. (At least, not yet.)

That was ominous… Just focus on the: “I have no plan.”

May 15, 2021

Again with the rage?

I have written the intro to this blog more times than I care to admit. And each time I come to a limit of two sentences before I get irritated, give up and erase my progress.

My intent was to vent about my ever growing rage at life, but I can barely compose my thoughts once I get passed the “I’m angry.” Instead it just sounds like the ramblings of a mad man so unhinged his thoughts of “retribution” drifts into dark waters, and that is a person I do not want to be. Unfortunately though, I am him.

I am angry. And everyday it grows because I have absolutely zero control of my life.

In the logical crevasses of my brain, chimes the response: “but you have control of how you react.”

I thoroughly loathe that answer.

The anger I feel, gives me the “sense” of control. Like I am accomplishing something. Yet all it does is agitate me further. And the cycle begins anew.

My husband told me once that the only thing I know how to feel is anger. It was the first time I was ever presented with that, obvious, point of view. Even now as I try to pick it apart and offer some logical conclusion, the only thing I find is that it’s my sadness masquerading as anger. Feeling sad is weak. And I don’t want to be weak.

Yet, I say that, and do believe it, however I am also the man who won’t stop himself when I begin to cry. I let my emotions flow when they are there. I am quite the conundrum and confuse even myself.

June 8, 2020

A Need to Belong

In the wake of everything that is happening it’s difficult to maintain a positive outlook. I try by finding it in the tiny moments of my life; in little pleasures like video games, TV, or books. It’s like mental balm for my aching brain and heart. However, of these things nothing soothes and cures more than companionship.

When I say that I don’t exclusively refer to romantic relationships, although it is obviously included. I mean that I reach out for another through intimate moments (conversation or physical contact.) I truly believe humanity, by nature, are social creatures (even the introverts.) I think that’s why things like social media take off because it widens the net in which we can find camaraderie. The thing that hinders this human need is the idea of “tribes” or someone not belonging because they don’t match the criteria we’ve been taught needs to be “met” to “belong.” (And we all want to fucking belong.)

I hate how fiercely tribal we are, and I am NO exception. Such instinct was was born out of necessity for survival in our ancestral days dating back to primates. However, then it was from predators, not from our own species, although that does play a factor too. (More so now I’m afraid.) As we grow as a society and learn more on “what it is to be human” there are those who refuse to learn and grow, because it’s either exhausting or they can’t wrap their brains around it. And it is true, that at times, it can be overwhelming. But we must lean into the pain if we are to move beyond; and some just flat-out refuse.

I truly believe if society rid itself of “teams” we would all try and help each other. (Insert eye-roll here.) But that will never happen. Even if we stripped away current concepts of belonging we would boil it down to another, because it takes energy to welcome new people and trust implicitly. We want to be able to look at someone and know immediately that “I don’t need to fear, they’re ‘x’.” And that is fighting millennia of evolutionary learning and survival. Which, frankly, fucking sucks.

My ideas are sometimes too utopian. I guess I just want to believe. Unfortunately, it would require everyone to 1) admit fault, wrong-doing or failures and 2) be open to learning. Only then can we move forward as a society.

Until that revolutionary day, I will seek out the comfort and embrace of my “tribe,” because in their presence is where I don’t have to fear and I immediately know that I am safe. And in this time of unrest, it is the best medicine.