May 13, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 19 – Good Mourning/What it is to Burn

In preparation for this blog I knew I wanted to do a Finch song. It was the one that seemed to fit the next entry the most. And for whatever reason I didn’t want to do one from Alkaline Trio. That seemed too easy. But as I re-listened to the Finch album “What it is to Burn” everything came rushing back to me with absolute detail. All of a sudden I was back in my station wagon, smoking a Turkish Gold cigarette with the windows down, listening to track 12 on repeat.

I was, once again, in the darkening hours of 17 and mourning my break-up with Travis.

I got over Jason way too easily. Before I knew it I was back in the AOL chat rooms, chatting with the gays, hoping someone new would pop in. That’s when and where I saw the username THINKAdio enter the room with the sound of a screeching door. For whatever reason he enjoyed my username, melancholychaos, so much that he messaged me.

Travis was 24, 5’10, on the chubby side, covered in tattoos and piercings, and a big time skater. I thought he was gorgeous. I can still see the first picture he ever sent me. He had this big goofy grin, black spikey hair, and wearing latex gloves. He was a piercer in those days, long before he became a tattoo artist. I was immediately attracted to him.

It also didn’t hurt that he was a huge nerd and liked Star Wars as much as me.

On our first date we met up to see the movie “The Order” with Heath Ledger. He liked horror movies and was a big fan of him, so it fit. My mom unknowingly dropped me off for this date and then drove off, only to circle back around to see who it was I was meeting. Later on she would ask me if “the guy with the tattoos” was my boyfriend.

After the movie we went back to his place, where his friends happened to drop by. I met them right out of the gate. They were all just like him and super goofy. His best gal pal, who’s name escapes me, was so super awesome. I loved her the most. She had the driest humor.

The reason I chose two albums for this entry is because it was this night when he handed me two burned CD’s. One was Alkaline Trio’s “Good Mourning” and Finch’s “What it is to Burn.” Neither of the discs had the titles, just the band names, which as someone with OCD drives me a little crazy.

Regardless, I couldn’t wait to get back to my place to listen to them.

He dropped me back at my parents’ house, in his white Toyota pick-up, and would call me later that night to talk on the phone until 2 in the morning.

When I first listened to the CD’s I fell instantly in love with Alkaline Trio. I could understand the lyrics, the tempo of the songs was energetic, and it was relatively campy. All of their songs are about death and dying but presented in this really obtuse way. I attempted to listen to Finch but on my first try I really didn’t like it. All of the songs were so depressing that I could barely make it through one without a grimace on my face. I slid it into my bulky CD case and forgot about it.

When I was younger I use to have this sixth sense about relationships. Like, I could tell you who was going to dump who, and about how long it was going to last. With Travis I saw the number two and I knew he was going to break my heart. But, I didn’t believe myself and really didn’t care.

I was super into him.

At the time I thought we had dated for two months but maybe we didn’t. My perception of time seems to be a corrupted. Because I vividly remember being dumped by Jason the night before school started and it was shortly after that, maybe a week, when he and I met for out first date.

Maybe it was two weeks? Fuck. Who knows at this point.

We talked on the phone every night, when he wasn’t drinking at the bars downtown. This dude appeared, to me at least, as a huge alcoholic. I was from a family of non-drinkers, my father being an ex-alcoholic himself, so dating someone who went every night was unsettling for me. It was one of these drunken nights when he called me up and asked us what we were.

“Sooooo… Like do I call you my boyfriend?”

“Yeah,” I said. “At least I thought we were.”

“Cool.” He replied. “I got a boyfriend. I’m gonna go back in.”

“Okay, have fun.”

Everything seemed to be going fine until one day, he was MIA. I went to school, texted him on the way and got no response at all. I tried calling in between classes, but it went right to voicemail. I was panicked. I could feel the energy shift and I knew what was coming. After school he finally messaged me and said to come over to his place.

When I got there, he was sitting in his room, with the lights off, listening to some mopey album. I sat on the end of the bed and waited.

The CD stopped and he mumbled to me, “I think we should see other people.”

My blood turned cold.

“Okay,” I said.

“I still want to be friends though.”

I did not want to be friends. I was so mad.

“I’m really sorry,” he said.

“It’s whatever.”

None of what I wanted mattered. I had zero choice in the situation. Clearly his mind had been made up and there was nothing I could say or do to change the outcome.

I said my goodbyes and left feeling hollow. It was absolutely out of nowhere. Everything was perfectly fine one minute and then not the next. To this day I have no idea what the fuck happened. I really wish I knew. I know I asked him once, but for whatever reason the answer didn’t stay with me. Maybe it was dumb. Or perhaps I didn’t want to hear it because it was so simple. All I have is my own conclusion and it was because of the age gap, which is stupid because when he dumped me I was a month away from turning 18. But, maybe he wanted a boyfriend he could go to the bars with. Have some cute thing hanging on his arm.

After that I spiraled out of control. Another fucking break-up so close to the other, I was beside myself. I started to smoke his kind of cigarettes, dress just like him, drink alcohol, and I became even more obsessed with Alkaline Trio. But I knew that wasn’t enough. I had to like that second CD. That was why he broke up with me, I chose the wrong one to like. I pulled the forgotten Finch album into the rotation, just to show how committed I was.

It reoccurred to me today that one CD represented the happier times of the relationship and the other got me through the break-up. All of the songs on “What it is to Burn” made sense. I could identify with them. And they truly spoke to me.

So much of who I am came out of that short-lived relationship. Isn’t that ridiculous? I crafted an entire identity from it, just so that I could, in the off-chance, make myself more attractive to him and he would take me back. He absolutely did not want me back and I was even more lost in the attempt.

In hindsight I shouldn’t have dated him. I should have taken some time between Jason and Travis, or better yet, from Travis to my husband. I think I had had too many break-ups in such a short amount of time that it was destroying my self-esteem and self-worth. I needed to heal from these events. What I chose instead was further self-destruction.

One of the weirdest things about that relationship was that sometime during Travis had given me a lighter. I cherished it after he dumped me, hoping I could use it as some totem to bring him back. One day I went to my car after school and the thing had exploded. It rested in tiny blue plastic fragments on the passenger seat. Since then I have tried so many times to recreate this event, but not once has it been done.

This last year, on November 3rd, Travis died of Stage 3 cancer. I still can’t believe it. It had been years since we had spoken. We would occasionally “like” each other’s posts on Twitter and Instagram.

Now, I leave you with the second album. Track 12 is my favorite. It was the one that spoke the most to me. Maybe because it’s good or because like, most things in my life, the number 12 follows me around as some kind of omen or lucky charm.

May 11, 2022

Mental Sigh

Ugh… I hate re-establishing my anti-depressants. They make me moody as fuck. I go from one extreme to the next and I just want to scream most of the time. And these feelings are made worse when I go on social media and see the state of the world. Can’t one thing go right in my life? Just one? No? My entire life has to be in chaos? Cool.

For the record I didn’t deliberately stop taking my meds, not like all the other times in the past. This was just a glistening example of my overall laziness. I ran out and instead of (doing the adult thing when I saw this coming) ordering more, I just let them run out. Now I have to do this song and dance again. It is my own fault. Will I learn from my mistake and make sure I have a back-up bottle for when this time comes? God no. The one thing I refuse doing is learn from my mistakes. Especially when it comes to my mental health.

Speaking of, social media is such a bastard. At one moment it lifts me up and makes me happy, connects me with people… and then at the same time it rips my heart out. Logically I understand it is the algorithm and if I want to cease the endless flow of political bullshit I just have to make a new account or interact with something unrelated. However, I will not be starting a new account. Well… one visible to other people.

May 10, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 18 – Cry Me a River

For the record, I genuinely am not a fan of Justin Timberlake. He has an okay voice, but after seeing how he treated Britney Spears and how he left Janet Jackson out in the cold for nipplegate, I’ve realized he might not be a good person. Someone’s actions tells you far more about them than their words. He may be a perfectly lovely person, but I will proceed with caution in regards to him.

The only reason I’ve included him now is because it fits the narrative I am trying to tell. The only song of his I have genuinely enjoyed and like is a duet he did with Chris Stapleton. (P.S. check that shit out. “Say Something.” Ugh, so good.) This particular song reminds me of a specific person and time in my life. One that lasted for two months but it felt like it was forever.

Have you ever heard that old saying “to get over someone, you just need to get under someone else?” Well, in an attempt to get over Sergio I tried to slut my way to emotional freedom. Thank Albus that Grindr didn’t exist at that time. If I had had untethered access to horny dudes I would have been a way bigger slut. All I had at my disposal was AOL chat rooms and that was a hit or miss situation. I didn’t even know gay.com chat rooms existed. Which is a blessing in disguise because it kept my selection limited. Being the pulsing sack of testosterone, I ended up meeting with this much, much, MUCH older dude who had promised a “fun time” with a third. I was hesitant, because I had met with this gentleman once before and he was a weirdo. Not the scary kind. He was just sad.

This guy was infamously known on AOL as Blur69. While not caring for his aging mother, he was fishing for dick online. The first time we met up he was stinking drunk. When this older woman came out to investigate the noises, he pushed me into his bedroom, shut the door, and turned to viciously yelled at her to get back in her room. Super cringe.

While in the middle of doing “stuff” he fell asleep. I showed myself out and swore I would never meet up with him again.

Well… Evidently my resolve is easily ruined with the offer of a three-way.

Please, keep in mind that at this time I am 17. I look back now and yeah, cool, they helped a sister out, but they 1,000% should not have. I was underage! Regardless… That did not stop me.

The night of the promised group action I snuck out my window, stole my parents car, and drove across town to meet with “Boozy” and mystery dude.

The third turned out to be this twenty-something man named “Mike.” He was a chubbier than described and had a nasty attitude. When I met him I wanted to turn around and leave. Did I? No. For three reasons: one, I am someone who feels obligated to follow through with an agreed upon event; two, I was freshly thin and knew what it felt like to be rejected for my weight; and three, I was blinded by my sex drive. Plus, I drove all that way on a suspended license…

Not even two minutes in Blur69 passed the fuck out. It was down to just “Mike” and I. We did our thing and snuck out, hoping not to wake Blur’s mother. On the way to our cars we started talking and he was very nice. Not my type in the slightest, but nice enough that I was willing to exchange numbers with him. That was the last time I ever just willy-nilly handed out my digits. To this day, if I do give it to you, it is the equivalent to a commoner being knighted. Okay? So feel honored. I don’t like random people messaging me. It bugs.

Before I had set this boundary for myself, “Mike” continued to text me randomly. We ended up becoming pretty good friends. Unfortunately he liked me way more than just an acquaintance. Those feelings were not reciprocated. But did that stop me from agreeing to meet with him when he dangled the opportunity of another three way? (Are you seeing a pattern? Because I am.)

Against my better youthful judgement I let my libido answer for me and agreed to meet up with “Mike” and another stranger.

(Side note, I don’t know how I’m still alive, with all of the risky shit I was willing to do. Truly.)

Once again, after my parents were soundly asleep, I snuck out and met the two men at a hotel around the corner from my house. There I was introduced to the married man who would become my second “boyfriend,” Jason.

Jason was 10 years older than me, with a little pooch, blonde hair in a buzz cut and tons of freckles. At the time he was married to a woman and had 3 little boys around the ages of 6 months to 4 years old. How they knew each other was that “Mike” lived with this growing little family and the two worked together at a telecommunications business.

That night, Jason and I ended up being the only ones to do anything. To this day I would describe our encounter as electric. He and I had this connection I could and cannot explain. I did not want it to end and we only got to third base.

The entire time, Mike sat in the corner of the room, sulking. I expected him to join us at some point but evidently he was waiting for an invite. Without any explanation, he got so offended that he grabbed his things and left the two of us in the room alone.

“Okay,” I said to Jason.

“Eh, don’t pay him any attention. He’s just butt hurt. He’ll get over it.”

I drove away from this episode thinking I would never see him/them again. But I was wrong.

As it was, Jason had also felt the same way about our tryst. In a roundabout way he got my contact information and from the moment he first instant messaged me on AIM, we began meeting nearly every day. I was on my summer break from high school and Jason was on medical leave for his gall bladder. His wife worked an office job so that meant we had full access at his place.

At first I was uncomfortable with the entire thing. Who was I to come in and ruin this man’s marriage? My friends told me to be careful. And even when we met up one time and I saw his son’s car seat in the back seat it made me cringe but did not deter me. I didn’t seem to care. It was then that I adopted my personal philosophy when it came to married men: I don’t care, I’m not the one cheating.

I genuinely don’t know how his wife never caught on. We texted constantly. He would find any excuse to come and pick me up at my parents house. We would drive somewhere and do our thing, and each time was awesome. I will not lie to you dear reader. I think the sin of infidelity made it all the more delicious. (Eesh I’m not a good person.)

One night he picked me up in this old, white Ford F-150, with Justin’s song playing on the radio. He said, “What do you think of my boyfriend?” Referring to Timberlake.

“Meh,” I said.

“Bitch!” He replied.

Again… I am truly dumbfounded that she did not know.

Jason broke it off with me the day before the start of my senior year, at the end of August. I was annoyed and pissed that I did the most immature, manipulative, thing I have ever done; I lied about killing myself. I know as a sane adult that you don’t do shit like that. Then… I knew I just didn’t care. I was burnt out that I was dumped AGAIN that I wanted someone else to feel uncomfortable.

It wasn’t long before I was absolutely over Jason. Yeah, it was fun while it lasted, but what was the end game? He wouldn’t have left his wife for me. I was still in high school. The best option was for us to go our separate ways. Whatever it had been had run it’s course. He had to deal with his shit, and I needed to grow up.

Years later we reconnected and I apologized for being so immature. He found the courage to come out to his wife. She took it really well and they’re still very good friends. They talk to the other about their boy problems. And it’s weird seeing photos of their sons… They’re literally the age now that I was when I met their father. While I haven’t, because I lack the courage to do it, I have wanted to ask how he would feel if one of his sons met up with someone ten years older than them for sexual encounters. It’s interesting to see the difference of opinion when one is on the outside.

May 4, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 17 – (KR) Cube

One thing I have come to understand, at my very core, is that human beings are idiots. It takes us entirely too long, with far too many required lessons, for us to learn something. We have to be repeatedly told or shown a fact until it finally sinks in. And no one is more guilty of that fact than me. It doesn’t matter how self-aware I am, how much self reflection/analysis I do on a daily basis, or how clever I become, I am not. Without a doubt. Yesterday, in my inescapable whirlpool of rage, I screamed at the top of my lungs (while on the phone with my husband) that I have zero control over my life. And I fucking hate that. What’s ridiculous about that statement is that no one does. There is merely the illusion of it, but the cold hard fact about life is we don’t. Everything we have can be taken in an instant.

I chose this song because it comes from a time when I didn’t even have an “illusion.” My life was absolute chaos. The only goal being survival, because it was a “character building” path. What I gained from the experience was personal growth.

It’s eerie to me how even current events can align itself with even my own personal narrative. I had planned on doing “KR Cube” prior to the recent supreme court leak as it was the next logical step from the previous post about my first boyfriend. Yet, here I am once again having zero control over life.

Unfortunately I don’t speak Japanese. Even after the solid year I listened to Dir En Grey, I still couldn’t tell you what any of the songs were about. The lyrics come easy enough. I can spout off some without any accompaniment, but the meaning is lost entirely. I could have chosen their one English song from that time, but that’s too easy. (Although, “Child Prey” remains one of my most favorite.) What spoke to me through these songs was the music. It was loud, high tempo, erratic, and unpredictable. Then the band itself is hardcore death metal, where blood and almost “occult” ritual showmanship was the “perfect balance” to my prior Christian life.

The gore that accompanied Dir En Grey genuinely scared me when I was first introduced to them, the same day of my “first date” with Sergio. This group of friends identified as “goth.” They dressed all in black, listened to “counter culture” tunes, and was obsessed with the “occult.” They were rebelling against their parents and most of all society. I was entranced.

Up until this day I was a “goody two shoes.” I only ever fought with my parents over bad grades and missed assignments. This also came on the heels of my obsession with anything associated with the 1950’s. My dress and demeanor accompanied this self imagined “essence” of the time. So, when I watched the lead singer, Kyo, stick his index fingers as hooks into his mouth and “cut” himself, convulse, and spit out a mouthful of blood I was more than shocked.

Do I really want to go down this road? I thought to myself.

It turns out, I did. I was chasing a boy. And one does stupid things for “love.”

From these “goth” friends I ventured forth into uncharted musical territory. In addition to Dir En Grey, I listened to Slipknot, Korn, Staind, Bad Religion, System of a Down… anything that appealed to the constant anger dwelling just below the surface. This genre of music only appeals to me in these specific circumstances. Otherwise I cannot tolerate it. It’s grating and irritating. I like a voice I can hear and understand.

The ability to not comprehend what Dir En Grey was singing drove me crazy. I wanted to know what I was listening to. I am an audiophile and while I loved the music, I needed the lyrics to match the mood it was painting. At least, I did until I didn’t. Becky insisted on putting them on whenever we got into the car. In particular I remember her listening to KR Cube, from the passenger seat, and doing the same choreography the lead singer did from the concert DVD she watched daily.

So, my only choice was to go with the flow.

I spent every non-school moment with these friends, primarily Becky and Jose. She was my best gal-pal and we hung out constantly and when I got there, she would immediately call him to join us. I would chauffer her over to his mom’s apartment to pick him up. She had the biggest crush on him and the two are still the best of friends, while I am just a casual acquaintance. It was Jose, nicknamed Amie-sama, who introduced J-rock and anime into Becky’s and my lives.

While she took off at a sprint enjoying one series after another I genuinely struggled. I so wanted to like anime but try as I might I really do not. I can appreciate the art style and the cohesive story structure, but that’s where it ends. At least in regards to animated series. Later, when these two weren’t as prominent, I became obsessed with manga. It just sucks that it wasn’t when I could have enjoyed it with them.

It didn’t occur to me until I was ruminating on what to write about in this blog the other day, that this period of my life was only about six months. At the time it felt so much longer, and prior to breaking it down I would have sworn it had been at least two years. I don’t know if that speaks to the ease of that time or the struggle.

As I previously mentioned, this was a journey for character building.

While Becky and I were very similar (both late in life babies, only children, who went to Christian school) where we were most alike was mental health. I had undiagnosed depression and she was (also undiagnosed) bipolar. She has made leaps and bounds with her mental health and honestly is not the same person. I wish I could say the same.

I don’t want you to get the impression that she was some kind of monster. Far from it. It’s just not ever having been around someone struggling with mental health can be a lot to handle. During this time her mood swings were wide but I learned to move with them. This is where I learned to love someone despite what they said and did. Being around her 95% of the time was an absolute blast. No one can make me laugh like she can, truly. But, there were some dark moments when he anger got the best of us. In turn I became angry too.

Dealing with my first true heartbreak, my own and others mood swings, and knowing my mother would be appalled to know I was a faguette, held me in this constant state of anger. Like the buzz of electricity through high voltage power lines. This was only exacerbated due to my inner struggle fighting against the current of my previously held religious beliefs. Nothing is harder to undo than the years of religious brainwashing. I’m still dealing with it and I haven’t believed since I was 17. But once I held Sergio’s hand for the first time, I ditched them without a second thought. I refused to associate with something that would keep me from feeling the love and acceptance I felt just being with who I wanted.

An awesome highlight from this time was that I got so many traffic tickets with my provisional license that I lost it for 6 months. One time I ran a red light, a couple blocks from where I work today, and nearly went head-on into a cop car. What made that traffic stop EXTRA FUN was the giant, bright orange construction cones I had in the back seat of my car, with “Property of Kern County” spray painted onto the sides. The cop joked with me about having a “fuzzy navel” or a “Sex on the beach” but didn’t make a peep about the cones.

The final traffic ticket that suspended my license was from doing 85 in a 65, on the way home with Becky and her then boyfriend. My car at the time was a station wagon and the speedometer maxed out at… 85. The cop claimed to have clocked me doing 90, but wrote 80 on the ticket. This had happened out of town and I was sure he wouldn’t show up to my court date. However, come the day of my trial, the judge sat and WAITED for him to get there. The judge and I had become quite familiar with each other.

Since then I have gotten maybe 2 tickets and I avoid traffic court at all costs because of the anxiety it brings me.