September 10, 2017

Smoke-briety 

I would consider myself a social smoker, mainly because I only smoke a cigarette when I’m the company of others that partake in the good old fashioned tabaccy. It’s a rare and unusual occasion (typically when I’m super stressed about one thing in particular) that I buy a pack and just smoke by my lonesome. 

I am usually not around those that do. When I am I return to my filthy habit which in turn drives my husband crazy. It is smoking that has been a huge point of contention in our relationship. He sees it as a waste of money and the person with a cigarette between their lips is instantly unattractive. While I have disagreed he is not wrong.  

In the last I would just keep my habit a secret, hiding hand sanitizer and mouth wash in my car to help wipe away the signs of my smoking. But however “good” I thought I was I know he knew. He would hold his dislike of it to himself and allow me to live in a delusion. Yet I still knew he knew. 

With the close of this show I promised myself and him to that I would stop. Not because of health reasons, or that I feel like a monstrous hypocrite when I tell my pops he needs to stop, but because of my vanity. 

When I look at those that have smoked for years, they take on a particularly leathery look filled with cracks and creases that show their age with more lathered on top. I don’t want that to be me. Plus, after this last revisit to cigarette land I felt like garbage. 

So for the betterment of my relationship and myself I will end my torrid affair with nicotine. It’s him, not me. And I hope to never return. 

September 9, 2017

The Garden

Relationships are hard. No matter how one cuts it they are work. This idea that Hollywood has peddled to us that it’s always supposed to be easy has really done a disservice. It is a garden to be tended and seen too. There will be the lean times where it’s more work for not much reward but then there will be bounties unlike any have seen, if the effort was put forth 

My own relationship is fine. (I think.) It was just on my mind this week because a good friend of mine has found herself caught up in a whirlwind romance. She has found her other half and it looks to be something more than a casual trist. And I couldn’t be happier for her. She deserves it. Her previous relationship was hard tended but it didn’t bring forth any real fruit. 

From her recounting of the past months events I have gotten a vision that if they are still together by thanksgiving, which she will be visiting his family, he will propose. I could be wrong (more than likely I am, I tend to run that way) but something just tells me that. 

When I was younger I could pinpoint with an eerie accuracy when and how a relationship would end. It would come to me instantly in a flash. Granted most of the time it was of my own relationships and one could argue that the events that would occur could have just been a self-fulfilling prophecy, however I never saw myself as the ender of the relationship. 

What does this information have to do with working toward a relationship, who knows. I just miss having the talent. It went away once I met my husband. 

He and I, this early October, will have been together for 14 years. It has been hard fought. Our harvests have been bountiful and filling, but there have been lean times as well. I think the number one thing for a gardener is to remember that fruits will flourish no matter how hard the struggle. 

For the sake of clarity, it has been a summer for our relationship. Not anything he or I have done, it’s just that our obligations have taken us into new realms separate of the other. Me with work, school, and the show. And him with work. It’s weird transitioning from him texting all day long to not hearing from him until he’s on his way home. But it’s work. It is just time to till the soil and pull any weeds that may grow. 

September 6, 2017

Australian Same-Sex Marriage

So, an article came across my yahoo.com newsfeed (yeah, I know, the eye roll is appropriate.) It told of two gay men in Australia that were against gay marriage. Immediately I was enraged for a couple reasons, mostly because I know that this “news” station is using these two men to justify the other side’s opinion that it should be illegal. However, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s step back.

When gay marriage was being endlessly debated in the states I read and shared every article on Facebook. I joined a couple groups and would try and get all of my friends and family on board. One of my cousins, an out lesbian, never joined any of my groups and refused joining the fight. While she never outright said it, I knew she was against gay marriage. I was incensed. I couldn’t understand why. All I could conclude is that she’s 1) a nut-job and 2) a republican, which I assume is just to be “different.”

One time when I was taking a basic English class to “get back to the roots of writing” (god, I’m an idiot) I was put into a group that had this one little shit in it that was full of opinions. I have since seen him working at a movie theatre as a ticket taker, so, looks like he’s doing well for himself.   Anyway, I took this class during the heated ‘Prop 8’ in California and the topic was on everyone’s minds. This particular person informed the group that he had gay friends that didn’t want gay marriage because, and I fucking quote, “they didn’t want to get married.” Um… Excuse me? If this was even remotely true (and god I hope it isn’t) all I could think was that this is the most selfish reason to not want legislation. You don’t want to get married? Much like our hetero counterparts they don’t HAVE to get married. They can stay single until the day they die drunk and alone, to be eaten by their hundreds of cats. But to vote against your own community because YOU don’t want to get married is some bull shit.

This article (which I will post a link at the bottom) brings back that rage. How can these fuck faces sit there and tell all the others in their community they don’t believe in marriage because they don’t see themselves getting married. Are you fucking high on poppers? Maybe if you take the bottle away from your nostril for a couple days you might gain some clarity. This is not just for you, it’s for everyone. To sit there and purposefully harm someone else THAT DOES WANT TO GET MARRIED is beyond cruel.

That’s the thing about politics that confuses the hell out of me. People pass this legislation because it either will or won’t affect THEIRSELF. Fuck the other people that have hopes and dreams.

I truly hope this “couple”… I mean, can we call them that? They’re not… I mean… They’re men. That word is reserved for heterosexual couples that aren’t living in sin. They shouldn’t even be allowed to share a bed. They’re not married. They’re just friends… I hope these “friends” are ostracized by their community. Fuck having they’re “own opinion.” “Everyone should be treated with respect.” No they fucking don’t. You’re not showing any courtesy to those who want to get married so why should these “friends” be given any?

Here is the match: https://au.news.yahoo.com/a/36960765/same-sex-marriage-wollongong-gay-couple-oppose-marriage-push/

 

September 2, 2017

Chaos and joy in the spotlight

Oh theatre. It is a dark and cruel mistress. All this week has been a giant whirlwind of scrambling chaos to get a show ready for performance. With most theatrical shows it is months of rehearsal cobbled together to make the near perfect performance. However the game I play does the reverse of that. The writer’s of our sketch comedy show slam out a series of scenes and we have to make something magical happen in a week. It’s agonizingly euphoric. 

I was young when theater roped me in. I wanted to perform since I could remember. I wanted to be center stage spouting off lines and emoting a range of feelings. My favorite past time was learning the scenes from movies and recreating them line for line, trying to match their facial expressions and movements. It really came naturally to me. 

The whole notion of my want of performing was weird seeing as how I was a VERY shy kid. I was terrified to talk to people and typically chose to hide in my room than be in front of a group of people. However as time went on I realized that it was my fear of being in a crowd as myself that drove me into solace. That and I’m a straight up introvert. 

The first play I ever auditioned for I never actually got around to trying out. Instead I showed up, saw it was improvesque and I booked. I wasn’t even sure I could read lines, let alone make up my own on the spot. So I left. I swore to myself that I would try out in the spring. 

True to my word, I showed up and read over the lines, and overcome with panic and terror, I tried to once again slip out the back, but halfway down the hallway my drama teacher, Ms. Henry, popped her head into the hallway and shouted, “Joshua, get back here.” 

Her shriek was like the voice of some derange god and I obeyed rather than risk a smote. I auditioned for the first time ever and got a role playing a man in mental ward that was convinced he was horrifically disfigured. Thanks to that wonderful woman refusing to let me run, I found myself in theatre. And I also discovered a dark side of myself. 

I let my abilities go to my head and I turned into a major dick. 

It was common knowledge among the drama kids that the seniors were always given the lead roles and I expected that the role of Mr. Hill of Music Man would be mine for the taking. In that mindset I did not show up for a single pre-rehearsal and booked it after every school day. I didn’t put in the time. So as punishment for my arrogance, my teacher gave me the mayor instead. I was furious. The role I wanted went to a junior boy and one of my former nemeses. (I have had many. I’m like a character in a soap opera.)

Because of resentment and lack of interest, I was fired/quit from the spring performance of my senior year. That failure and disappointment taught me a valuable lesson, don’t get cocky.

So as I prepare to go on stage I have to remind myself I may be good and I may not. But whichever, don’t let it go to my head.