It’s funny, everyone always wants to talk about the “cheating” parts of polyamory and never about the fact that you have to travel the ups and downs of life with other contrasting personalities. When Charlie and I first opened up our marriage I was excited to see where it went but also so utterly terrified. What if he found someone that was “better” than me? It was the one thought that ran through my mind over and over. Luckily for me my husband had a type and it was “broken people.” He had a savior complex. He found the ones who were at their lowest and tried to rescue them. It is funny how many don’t want to be saved or out-right refuse it. (By the way, I’m not saying that I was or am better than them.)

In the end, all it really did (for both of us) is really appreciate the other. I know that sounds so counterintuitive to what society teaches you, but it made our bond that much stronger. We saw the best parts of our relationship and welcomed the parts that had become “familiar.” Most relationships would see it as being stale or stagnant but it became the thing that we treasured most.

Through our experiences with polyamory we have learned a lot through trial and error. There is no guidebook, and even if there was one that could prepare you it could never hit every aspect. Each relationship, like any connection from one to another, is different. Nothing in life is ever as precise as a puzzle piece. The only thing you can 100% expect from it is the requirement for communication and honesty. And honesty isn’t just being open to one’s “extra-curricular activities,” it is being truthful with one’s own emotions. The amount of self-awareness required to co-habitate with multiple personalities is insurmountable.

What none of us were prepared for being in our polycule was dealing with loss. Everyone is always hyperfixated on the sexual component which (spoiler alert) really does not come into play as frequently as those would believe. Then again, it might be different for others. I can only attest to my own experiences.

Before my husband passed he was so concerned with what would happen with his boyfriend when he was gone. He would repeat “you have other josh” to me so much to the point that I was growing exhausted with the observation. Sure I have him, but in a relationship people are not employees, you can’t just replace one with another. Charlie also neglected the fact that the one thing he and I held most similar is wanting to be the “white knight.”

How I describe his boyfriend (Tony) and I is that he is my brother. And I mean that. I am weird in the sense that I mean what I say and say only what I mean. It is genuinely difficult for me to give a compliment when I do not feel it is deserved. So, like I said with my friend Nick (lol IYKYK) who I have lain claim as my brother, it is a fact that comes from the bottom of my heart. It is stating that I love them more than I could love a family member and I will be there for them no matter what. No matter how much they may piss me off, irritate me, or hardly speak to me I will love them unconditionally.

So, my husband not taking that into the equation bothers me, but then again maybe he was pushing me to step up to the plate. Which… the man was a master at manipulation.

Navigating loss in this environment is so strange. I, again, try and struggle to keep everything balanced. I want Tony to know he will be okay, that he is wanted, and that we’re both in this together. With Josh I have to make sure he does not feel excluded, that he is apart of this also. I just worry my efforts are “indirect” and more distractions than solutions.

I will do what I must for everyone to feel okay and, much to my chagrin, it is impossible. Someone gets hurt in the process. Always. I just have to make sure we handle it through communication and reassurance.

I am trying… and will continue to do so until my efforts appear to be worthless.