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November 11, 2025

Who Am I?

It has come to my attention that I don’t know who I am anymore. Currently I feel like an amalgamation of all these different personalities, compounded into a chubby insecure body. One where every cell is filled with dread and paranoia. I don’t know who to trust or where to turn.

For the first time in my life I feel utterly vulnerable.

I imagine that is what caused my panic of “having a heart attack,” or what I told the E.R. was “heart issues.” I couldn’t bring myself to be THAT melodramatic and claim something “worse.” “No one ever walks calmly into the hospital having a heart attack.” A claim that maintained it’s sentiment. As it turned out, I am healthy-healthy. The doctor in the E.R. told me it was acid reflux and left it at that, giving me a new list of “don’t haves” before releasing me back into the human wild.

Today I return to my aimless wandering. Filled to the brim with insecurity. My thoughts all about how I have wronged everyone and that no one cares about me, even though that is untrue.

I keep looking back on this weekend and I worry I offended Papa Bill by not buying his and his partners ice creams. I had had intention to do so, but then the clerk ignored me and instead helped the hetero family that cut in line.

Okay. Cool. I wasn’t waiting longer than them. That’s fine.

In a knee jerk reaction I refused to give the store any of my business and left in a huff. Leaving my Papa Bill’s partner to pay for their own. It didn’t occur to me, until the drive home, that I was rude in not paying. They had paid for our breakfast.

As a result I am overcome with dread and I am once again spiraling.

On top of that I don’t know where I stand with Tony. He literally ignored my birthday and I don’t know if that’s one of his “sending a signal” things or if there is something else at play. Try as I might to muster up the courage to ask, I cannot. My biggest fear is having it confirmed. That would send me further into a tailspin. Tony is the one last link I have to my husband.

Another thought realized from this Palm Springs “weekend,” is that I really, really, REALLY miss my husband. His absence has left a giant hole in my life that I am unable to ignore any longer. He was the one who was sociable. The man could strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. He was the one to pull me out of my insecurity and make me personable.

It’s the silence that makes it so much more obvious. The visit and the entire ride to and from revealed that. Try as I might to help cover the gap, I could not get out of my own thoughts to fill it with something. Making his absence even worse where all I wanted to do was crumble into microscopic particles.

He was what brought out the best in me. Without him I sulk in silence, trapped in my head by my negative thoughts. And try as I might to escape them and return to normal I cannot.

It just feels like I am spiraling out of control. I want to isolate myself to find some kind of peace, but there is no way to do that. “Taking a break” from ‘life’ is not an option. Which means I am left with, “how do I find stability while free falling in a spin?”

Someone who knew who they are could, but who even am I? What am I to anyone? I’m not a son. I’m not a husband. I’m not an employee. I’m not even sane.

November 4, 2025

Another Tuesday

And just like that, I’m 40. It’s official. Despite all the other times throughout this past year where I kept thinking “I’m 40” when in fact I was not. I don’t quite understand it. It was almost as though I was excited about hitting a new decade, like a kid at Christmas time. Which is quite the 180 from when I turned 30. At that time I thought I was above the stereotypical “I’m dead” mentality. Plot twist, I was in fact not. I was just ignoring that sense of doom like I do with any and all of my emotions.

If looking back on 22 years with my husband has taught me anything it is that I do not recognize my own feelings. I don’t know if that was a conscious choice on my part or of it was a learned behavior. Regardless of the reason, one simple fact remains: I don’t know how I feel as I’m feeling it. It’s not until I am alone with my thoughts that I finally have found enough peace for them to come roaring to the forefront. Then I breakdown. Well, most of the time. Ninety percent of the time I do something entirely different.

My go to behavior whenever I’m feeling emotions is that I cover them with something: food, sex, buying crap. There are no ends to what I will do to avoid “being human.” And that is what has gotten me in trouble over these last few years. I did all of these self destructive behaviors in an effort to suppress whatever I did not want to face. Evidently it was a lot.

As an adult I am slowly unpacking my feelings. I can finally recognize when I am upset or bothered by something. I may not know what it is yet, but I will try and figure it out. Sometimes I do, and other times it’s a complete and utter fucking mystery. Those are the times that make me angry, and that I feel with un-tethered abandon.

So, today I will do nothing. I will celebrate nothing. There is no point when the family you had known up until now is gone. I just want this day to pass as if it never happened. It was just a regular Tuesday. It just so happens that I have been present for 40 of them.

July 7, 2025

Peace Out

Today has been fucking weird and I’m only halfway through.

People on Bsky are on one. However, as a result, it finally gave me the push I needed to ditch that bullshit too.

I’ve already deleted twitter and facebook, and while I haven’t deleted Bsky I did delete the app from my phone. Maybe one day I’ll return, but at this point I genuinely I doubt that. It doesn’t come close to Twitter’s former glory. I loved that app so much, but of course some rich asshole moved in and made it terrible. As most rich douche bags love to do.

The unannounced Bsky topic dujour apparently was all about Dem in-fighting. I made the mistake of commenting on an article that discussed Dem politicians getting upset that their constituents are pissed at their lack of response to… anything. At one point I had someone call me a misogynist because I said “honey,” uneducated (I graduated Summa Cum Laude), and a do-nothing leftist. As a result I am out. I don’t have the energy or time to explain myself to “nobodies” on the internet.

With our carefully curated echo chambers we have isolated ourselves so much that all we can do now is point blame at everyone else in our own circles. (I am absolutely including myself into that.)

This is what the opposition wants. They want us at each other throats. Being distracted by this nonsense, it is easier to break us into even smaller groups. Once firmly trapped in our little social media bubble, we’re too distracted to formulate into a coalition to actually do something.

I’m exhausted and I have no interest in participating with this bullshit anymore. The world around me is burning and I have no immediate power or way to put it out. I find myself at the crossroads where I can find my own joy (when and where I can) or I can make myself miserable. I’ve been miserable the last 5 fucking years of my life. I’m done.

The only part that genuinely upsets me of my social media exodus is that I am finally doing the one thing my husband had wished I had done while he was alive. That causes me a lot of guilt. So, I will just have to tell myself that, even though he isn’t here to say it, he would still want this and is proud of me.

April 14, 2025

This past Saturday marked one year since Charlie passed away. I finally got the chance to read the letter he had written for me. Of everything there the only thing that was new, or stood out, was when he used my nickname for him as the salutation. That was where I broke down.

Everything else in it were sentiments he and I had spoken to each other over the many years together. The one thing that made our broken relationship work was that we were never afraid to wade into difficult topics. We never shied away from the truth.

It is nice to have them in writing though. Sometimes my mind likes to lie to me and say that he never forgave me. Which, in itself is silly. We spent 20 years together. Someone who hasn’t forgiven you typically doesn’t dedicate even more time.

The day of, I spent with the family. We went to the zoo and just talked about him and his unforgettable personality. He really was one of a kind. I could really use his knowledge and point of view now. He knew what I needed to hear, when I needed it most. And if that didn’t work, he would always intervene.

This past year has been nothing but loss. Shortly after the husband passed, we lost our dog Jack. Then this week we put down our pup Lucy. She had cancer in her nasal cavity. It had gotten to the point that she couldn’t breathe through her nose. Fun fact… dog’s can’t breathe through their mouths when they sleep. At least, she couldn’t.

Then this morning, thinking of my aunt, I sent her a message to ask about her and her kids. The text went acid green, instead of blue. More than likely, she probably blocked me. Which… whatever. She might as well be someone else I’ve lost too.

Unburdened by the past leaves even more possibilities for the future.