medication

June 11, 2024

Adventures in Medication

I started taking some new meds to help combat my ADHD. This is a first for me. I have never been medicated for it before, but that is because I refused to believe/accept my diagnosis. (I was diagnosed in my early 20’s.) However, it is has reached a point that it is impossible to deny that it is a problem. Especially these past few weeks.

My doctor prescribed me the anti-depressant Bupropion. Supposedly it is meant to be a mild form of ADHD medication in addition to stop me from the “sads.” What I am bothered by is that these were given in addition to the Lexapro I am currently taking. I feel as though this is overkill, however I am dealing with a lot, so maybe that’s the logic in it’s prescription? Or maybe it’s easier to get than a controlled substance.

My lone complaint thus far is the sense of “apathy” I feel. Which is a familiar sensation with these medications.

I have run through the gamut when it comes to anti-depressants. I have done all of them and the only one that seems to work for me is Lexapro. It stabilizes my moods without sacrificing my personality, or make me feel like I’m not “me.” Others tend to make me “not care.” Specifically when it comes to my writing. I worry that this will be much like the others that have come before it. (With the exception of Prozac which made me crazy-er.)

I love to write. I really do. It’s the one way I can put my thoughts into literal black and white. And while they’re in front of me I can figure them out or form them into a more cohesive message. The problem I face when I start anti-depressants is I stop doing this. It’s almost as if in the lack of these feelings I lose all purpose for doing the thing that I love. This post in particular… This is actually my second attempt. I started to write another blog about “finding the new normal” in my life and I got two paragraphs in before I thought… “Who cares?”

I want to give the Bupropion a chance before I decide to give up all together. My ADHD had gotten so bad I felt like a car stereo trying to play a song from a scratched CD over a bumpy road. (That metaphor only works for gen x and millennials.) I could/can not focus. My work life had gotten so chaotic in this that I found myself doing EVERYTHING ELSE but the task I was given to do. The fact that none of this had an immediate due date also did not help.

I’m worried this will turn out much like it has before. Yet I am trying my hardest to keep an open mind and not fall into old habits. I need to do something because I am suffering… and just trying to make it through isn’t going to cut it this time around. Because as it is, my life is in the aftermath of having been in utter chaos. I’m left to rebuild after a category 6 hurricane. I’m going to need all the help I can get.

November 30, 2022

The Soundtrack of My Life – 41 – Anti-Hero

Me and anti-depressants have had an on-going on-and-off-again relationship since I was 18. I was referred to a psychologist due to the overwhelming depression I experienced after my break-up with Travis. My parents were terribly concerned at my attitude and didn’t want me making an drastic decisions. At the time I thought I was bipolar but… It turned out to be depression. My friend, at the time, also went to the doctor and he thought he had depression but instead was diagnosed bipolar. What a fun little anecdote.

Lately I have been feeling like the problem. “It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me.” My rage is making everyone around me uncomfortable and in the shower the other morning I had a thought that everyone would be better off if I were not around. I am not far enough gone that I didn’t silence the immediate mental reaction of, “Who would take care of Charlie?”

Taking the the “wake-up call” I started back on my medication. Again. The only way I’m tolerable to be around is if I am medicated. I have to just accept that fact. The back and forth serves no one. Resigning to this truth is the only way. I just fight it so hard.

The reason I stopped them back in mid-October was because in all the places we travelled my husband would want to drink. While taking Lexapro I cannot drink. It immediately takes all the medication coursing through my veins and throws it in the trash. The brother-husband suggested I keep taking it anyway, but why would I take medicine that I will immediately eliminate from my system. Why not just stop taking the drugs?

At least this time I stopped taking them because I can’t do “fun” things while on them. It wasn’t because they made me feel numb or lifeless, which has been my complaint in the past. Also, the previous medications took away my “manic” and I quite enjoy the rush of energy from my mania.

“I have this thing where I get older just never wiser.”

Not to abruptly switch gears, but I am convinced this song is actually about Trump, with some overlap to Taylor Swift. The middle chorus where she talks about “sexy babies” and how she’s an ugly monster standing on a hill references her aging in an industry that praises and is hyperfocused on “sexy babies.” Lately I feel like this is my personal anthem. I seem to make everything worse. Deliberately or otherwise.

At times I just want to disappear and start again somewhere else.

It is a good thing to realize that more often than not we are the cause of our own frustrations. Once we realize that we can fix it and move on. Lacking any self-awareness is a major hinderance is growth. On the flip side, taking to heart that you’re the problem can have severely negative results. Thus… medication.

April 25, 2014

By the Power of Meds I Command You, Begone Insanity!

I expect entirely too much out people. I know it. I’m owning it. But regardless of how self-aware I am about this character flaw it still doesn’t change anything. Basically at this point all I can do is just create a mantra of ‘it doesn’t matter.’ Although, no matter how many times I may or may not say it I won’t believe it. Especially now, as I have reached a peak I did not want to climb with my mood stabilizers.

I have arrived after three rounds of different brands of mood stabilizers that I really don’t need that type of medication. I guess I am just a strange human being that is, as my husband puts it, “easily excitable.” The first round made me super irritable and I hated people and life with a passion that made no sense. So we moved onto the next. That one made me apathetic and I cared nothing for anyone. Thus, we moved onto the third. This one, only halfway into the recommended dosage, I am irrationally cantankerous. I find myself getting angry about and over the slightest of things. To give you an idea of the breadth of my insanity: my friend invites another gay to lunch. My friend’s boyfriend (my self-professed blatant lover) plays OUR card game with someone else right in front of me. At the base of these tsunami of emotions I know, KNOW, that I am being irrational, but even with that understanding it does not dispel any of the emotions. And at the base of these thoughts, lies my high expectations from people.

After three trials, I have concluded that I just do not need them. Maybe I do in reality, but after these failed attempts it just doesn’t seem possible to quell my shifting moods. Instead, it seems to roil that constant storm even more than usual. So, I’ll pass on any further suggestions from my doctor; unless he offers anti-anxiety pills. Those I am all over.

So now instead of getting angry I can go back to burying my emotions and hurt deep down. And maybe then I can lower my expectations and not care. Because in an un-medicated state my brain is far more acceptable to suggestion. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can find peace in not caring.